SIL sending DN to my house

[girlmummy25]

My SIL works full time and GPs pick her kids up once a week until she gets home from work about 6:30pm however, whenever GPs are on holiday (which is a lot!) ill get a phone call at 4pm saying my nephew is on his way to my house in a cab and that she hopes thats ok.
Nephew is 12 and of course I need to feed him but where I dont know he is coming its normally unlikely that ive prepared a dinner to feed another person who has adult portions.

I just find it so rude to tell me on the day as he is on his way! Its happened about 4 times now, twice I have missed her call so she will then just ring her brother (my DH) and tell him instead and make sure one of us is home.

Tomorrow she is due to do it again, AIBU to confront her about it if she does it again and just say I expect a little more heads up? (Especially as she knows GPs will be away weeks in advance!)

Her home is only 5 mins away from us but for some reason she doesnt want him home alone until shes home (he is a sensible boy so not 100% sure why - especially as she deems him old enough to get cabs)

If she is a lone parent she is carrying a lot of pressure and probably thinks you won’t mind, so maybe just talk to her? I mean she’s trying to do the best by her DS by him coming to you rather than leaving him home alone right?

You get her brother to speak to her about this

Agree with this

So parents or relatives should just send chldren to peoples houses without checking it is ok with the person who has to proivde free childcare?

Maybe she thinks you wont mind. My family this would not be a problem at all. We all help each other out last minute and love seeing each other's kids. They will be adults before long.
And as for food well i just always have bits in the freezer incase I need them .

I would tell her he’s 12, and that she needs to start considering letting him go and stay at home as you aren’t always going to be home.

Maybe she thinks you wont mind.

Well clearly she doesn’t care either way.

Eh? Did you quote the wrong post? I asked OP what they actually wanted to do, and suggested they clearly communicate with the sister. Which might be to tell her DN can no longer come over

Yes entitled batshit etc etc but in real life things happen which mean sometimes you rely on help for childcare/ so they’re not left on they’re own (on mn it’s like they’re ten just leave them, they don’t need an adult). If you could help honestly it would be great, we don’t need any help now as all the kids are close to my work so they pop in then go to the library or whatever if I’m working but if I was at home and could help out someone else I would (just offering a different perspective!!)

Where is the boys father in all of this?
All that is mentioned is she works full time and usually relies on grandparents for childcare.

Id be telling her I need 24 hours notice and she needs to ask politely if I'll be available.

Give her a call this evening. And if she is stuck, is DN sensible enough to entertain your DC while you pack?

certainly at 12 he should be able to be basically left to himself. If not then sil has valid concerns about him being home alone, although her communication is still poor

But my DD is 6 and DS is 3 so I have my hands full as it is and tomorrow I need to pack and sort stuff out as im away for the weekend

So, what @JustKeepSwimmingJust said: ask DN to watch the DC whilst you sort your stuff out? Give him a game to play or activity to supervise with them.

The only way you'll sort this wothout talking about it is by playing her at her own game.

Turn up one morning or evening when you know she will be in, maybe pretend you're dropping something off, then breezing say you're popping to the shops and will leave your DC with them while you do it because its easier. Go, but go for a coffee first, then come back after about 3 hours and then collect DC and park yourself there for a while. On your way out, Thank her and say how much you love that you're both so flexible with childcare, your for DN, her for your kids.

Dh needs to text and tell her to let you know in advance in the future and ask if its OK
12 year old dn can help with the kids don't just pander to him. Ask him to watch or play with 6 year old while you do 3 year old or ask DN to help make tea. Everyone can get stuck in
He can moan to his mom about it if he doesn't like it

She's doing him no favours at 12 not even able to walk home or stay at home for a few hours, wtf. Is this normal now? I used to love going home to an empty house, eating packs of crisps and watching tv !!!!

ill get a phone call at 4pm saying my nephew is on his way to my house in a cab and that she hopes thats ok.

“No, it’s not okay and you’re very rude for assuming it is. The polite thing to do would be to ask in advance, which you are more than welcome to do, but the answer won’t always be yes.”

You also could say to her to let you know when she's able to have 6year old after school as you have errands to run/3 year old in a club.

DH also thinks its rude but he works from home a lot

Make it your DH’s issue as much as you can.

And drop yours off at hers at 6am on a Saturday or Sunday without notice a few times. Obviously ring her from the doorstep with a “hope it’s okay”.

@girlmummy25 Tell your dh that if he says yes to nephew then he's the one to cook him dinner. I plan my dinners way ahead, my children eat differently than myself so there is no extra ready. I would ve happy to have someone for dinner but I need to know in advance.

I would tell your dh to tell sis that nephew is old enough to go home and eat what SHE SHOULD HAVE PREPARED FOR HIM in the fridge the day before. She's a CF and I would nip this in the bud.

Reply to her message and ask her if she can return the favour and look after your kids, pick a date/time and see how she responds. Do this every time she texts you at the last minute.

Phone her now and say you will both be out tomorrow, and that in any event you don't appreciate her approach to this. Tell her that in future if it hasn't been arranged at least a week in advance this is not happening. Find out when GPs are next on holiday, and make sure you're out on their collection days anyway.

I think you need to tell her directly that you aren't happy about this and in particular this time doesn't suit so please don't send him. She may think you are completely happy and relaxed about it. (She's still a CF to assume though.)

If she keeps doing it after that, you need to drop your own kids to hers at the weekend and see how she likes them apples. You'll probably only need to do it once.

What on earth will that achieve ? You’re telling OP to roll over and be a doormat any time SiL wants to wipe her feet.

I would either embrace it, give your nephew some jobs to do when he's round and send your kids to her on a Sunday morning in return.

Or, call her now and tell her your nephew is 12 now and can stay at home alone, so you're not having him over after school any more.

The worst option is say nothing and simmer with resentment.

I think we can all confidently predict that the babysitting won’t happen.