Does marriage change anything?

[Jigglywigglypuff]

What is it like to be married?

I have never been married and it makes me quite sad. I just feel almost like I have never been good enough to consider for marriage. Not one of my exes have ever seriously talked about it / suggested it. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to wear the big fancy dress and have a party and day dedicated to me and the imaginary love of my life, celebrating happiness.

Ultimately I am glad they never did, as they all ended badly, particularly the last one. But it got me thinking, what is so good about marriage anyway? Does anyone that is married feel that it changed anything for them, or that life is better in any sort of way because of the marriage? All the married people that I know, whom I have posed this question too, just say it's great or no different from any other relationship, but I feel people tend to be less honest in person about these sorts of things.

I know marriage has legal and financial benefits etc, but I'm talking purely about the emotional aspect.

I know of a few couples that married that definitely should not have, and cannot wait to see how that plays out. One divorce already!

So, did marriage change anything for you?

Maybe it’s not for you if you chop and change your mind about it so easily (off the back of someone’s post on here). One minute you can’t wait to find the one to marry, the next you’re saying it’s not for you.

Apart from the obvious legal and financial benefits, I think it does. Inevitably over a marriage of several decades, there will be bad times when one or both of you might be having regrets, or be thinking of leaving. But when you're married,you know you've made a commitment - and that includes getting through the bad times. Nobody wants to be divorced, and I think marriage gives you a broader perspective and a willingness to make things work, which you don't have when it's simply cohabitation.

I married my DH after being together for 11 years. We’d owned our house together for 9 years, and had just had a baby. It did change things, despite all that time already together our relationship felt more “permanent”.

There are times I’m not sure we’d still be together if we weren’t married. Sharing a life with someone can be very challenging at times.

Getting married is a public affirmation of your love for and commitment to each other. It publicly shows you are determined to be faithful to one another. There's a solidity about it which makes you feel grounded and secure (though I'm well aware that marriage doesn't work out for some people). It also shows that you are not hanging out together until a better option comes along.

@moonshineandsun Excuse my ignorance on this, but you said as you are Catholics you are married until death. So you are not permitted to divorce under any circumstances?

I come from a conservative catholic background and so does my husband. It would never have occurred to us to start a family without being married first. It's cultural I suppose. But I also love being married to him. He's my best friend.

It meant something to me - the making a binding commitment to each other. I didn't want the fuss or the big dress, we had a small registery office wedding as absolutely not religious and a reception at my mum & dad's with a small group of family and friends. I wanted the marriage, not the big wedding.

For me, it cemented us as a family, but I get that it's not for everyone and some people are just as happy without marriage. It's whatever fits for you, I guess.

We've been married 36 years and we have been through tough times. I don't know if I would have walked away if we had not been married, I've certainly felt like it a few times (and I'm sure he has too!) But we stuck it out and worked through problems and we are in our 50s now, enjoying spending more time together and with our grown up children.

I have to say though, if anything were to happen to DH, I can't imagine getting married again. It made sense when we were young & raising a family but at this stage in life, I wouldn't want or need that.

Marriage is like having a baby in that if the relationship wasn't good before, it will not improve anything.

I think people feel that marriage changes things for the better emotionally when the relationship was already great and they're certain they've done the right thing. When they're on the same page with their plans for the future and know they've got the best foundation for that. Plus the proof of their partner's commitment to them.

So legally of course we can divorce but in the eyes of the church we would remain married. So for example if we divorced legally and I wanted to get married again, I couldn’t have a church wedding, it would have to be a civil ceremony - as yes church would still see me as married. DH and I not overtly religious, more culturally Catholic I would say! but the vows did mean something to us - that we would journey through life together for better or worse, forsaking all others until death do us part. It’s a commitment to the marriage and now to our children as well as to each other is probably how I feel about it. I’ve just googled it and apparently marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic Church (involving the two people and Gods blessing ) and within the Protestant church it’s a covenant marriage so a promise between two people - I’m sure someone will be along to correct me on the nuances but that’s seemingly googles take on it!

@CelticSilver what denomination are you? As a Catholic we are taught marriage is until death (till death do us part). There's nobody in heaven or hell married according Catholic teachings!

@moonshineandsun Thank you so much for taking the time to explain.
I have no faith so didn't get married in a church or anything like that - civil ceremonies (both times!) 😀

As I said on my previous post, I am not married and will never get married.
It's lovely to hear of the happy stories on here, reminds me of what I will never have.
I raised my son alone and I agree that marriage(non abusive) is by far the best foundation for children.
I'm pleased to read the positive stories on this thread.

I think civil ceremonies are so lovely because they tend to be very personalised which I always really enjoy! I’m an MN oddity though because I tend to enjoy weddings in general!

We were together for over 10 years before marrying. As much as we enjoyed our wedding, being married didn't change anything on a daily basis, as people usually live together before marrying nowadays. We would have stayed together even without being married. It does give more protection legally and financially with property and assets to both parties.

We have been together over 20 years and living together for about 15 years. We will be getting married soon because of the IHT issues if one of us dies without being married. The surviving one would have to sell the house to pay IHT at 40% on half the value of the property above £325k. We could get the same benefit from a civil partnership but we like the idea of being married. I look forward to being able to refer to him as my husband instead of my partner even though that’s not very rational.