Does marriage change anything?

[Jigglywigglypuff]

What is it like to be married?

I have never been married and it makes me quite sad. I just feel almost like I have never been good enough to consider for marriage. Not one of my exes have ever seriously talked about it / suggested it. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to wear the big fancy dress and have a party and day dedicated to me and the imaginary love of my life, celebrating happiness.

Ultimately I am glad they never did, as they all ended badly, particularly the last one. But it got me thinking, what is so good about marriage anyway? Does anyone that is married feel that it changed anything for them, or that life is better in any sort of way because of the marriage? All the married people that I know, whom I have posed this question too, just say it's great or no different from any other relationship, but I feel people tend to be less honest in person about these sorts of things.

I know marriage has legal and financial benefits etc, but I'm talking purely about the emotional aspect.

I know of a few couples that married that definitely should not have, and cannot wait to see how that plays out. One divorce already!

So, did marriage change anything for you?

Interesting. I'm starting to think marriage maybe just isn't for me. I have a history of abusive relationships and don't want to end up trapped in an abusive marriage. I'm very hypervigilant to signs of abuse now, so much so that if anyone tries to push me into anything I don't want to do I just see red. Not sure that would work well in a marriage!

I think I will be advising my daughter the same tbf

For Catholics marriage is more than a social or legal contract. It is one of the seven sacraments. Through marriage the couple enters a sacred covenant with God as the primary witness and partner in their bond.

Yes. It showed me he was serious about making a commitment. Actions speak louder than words. You said you understand about the financial legal side but the emotional side is directly linked to that. It's the long term commitment in front of everyone you both care about. It's not about romance. It's about standing up and promising to look after each other and then legally signing up to doing just that.

No idea, been married for about 30 years so know no difference but for us it works but hard to define it

I remember feeling a sense of relief, when we married, a lot like the feeling after a lovely party in your house when the guests leave and it’s just the two of you again.

Marriage put firm legal boundaries in place limiting the reach and influence of both of our families. I don't know how much that mattered to him, but I wouldn’t have trusted his family to treat me fairly if he had died, and there is no way I would have considered having dc with him without being married first.

I felt that our relationship deepened significantly in the months after we married. Maybe that would have happened anyway.

I've never been married and would never want to.
It is lovely to read the stories of happy marriages but I know several that aren't.
Fwiw, I simply can't understand why people feel the need to get married in middle age and beyond???????

@Jigglywigglypuffmy husband is not abusive at all but just expected me “to act more like a wife”(!!!) He expected me to change and obv had some very outdated views of women! He just irritates me on a daily basis but divorce is a big deal for me, especially since we now have a kid, so I just tolerate it.

I honestly was in the never get married camp and I had two long term live in relationships that ended badly, and a child as well. Then I met the man I’m with now. We took 10 years to live together and after another 10 we got a civil partnership and it’s now been 25 years and counting. We are trying to stay as healthy and active as we can because we want as much time as possible together. To us, legalising things was really intensely special and changed things oddly I think because we flew under the radar and our families still don’t know. We don’t think it’s anyone else’s business. Neither of us are flashy or like attention but we are privately very romantic. More as we both get older and realise how lucky we are (we met in 40’s).

I know logically you are right and even after learning everything I know now, I would not recommend getting married as it’s so tough, I still completely melt when I see a man proposing and am insanely happy when I see a couple getting married. It’s the optimism of it all.

So that inlaws don’t get to make important decisions about your partner, should it come to that. It hugely legally simplifies long term comittment. But it isn’t for everyone and thank goodness we have the freedom to make our own choices.

This!

XH and I were happily married for 20 years. It was and felt great, until the end. Even now, I would do it again. I loved being married. DP has hinted that he would marry again too, when both of our divorces are through and our DC a bit more grown up. I don’t want to blend our families currently as we have 5 teenagers between us and it just seems like a precarious time for them. In five years time, when they are mostly grown and are starting to leave home for uni, I would be open to a conversation to review our situation. There would be financial benefits and implications (sharing of pensions etc), but that isn’t the driving force.
It’s for the pleasure of being married, and significance of him being my husband, rather than my boyfriend or partner.

It didn’t make the slightest difference to our relationship. We’d been together for a long time, very happily, did it very simply. Within a week I’d mostly forgotten we’d done it, tbh. I mean, it changed nothing.

@Jigglywigglypuff Not changing your name upon marriage really ought to be the default. Had my husband even slightly baullked at my decision to remain Ms MyName there would have been no marriage!!
@blossomtoes I'm firmly with you on this one!

Interesting. I love having the same name as my husband and children.

@Ipsevenenabibas My husband and my child do both share the same name as me. My daughter was given mine and then my husband took mine too (his choice).

Absolutely. Changing your name is really reactionary.

@MesLunettes And one's title, in my opinion. Firmly a Ms!

No difference whatsoever on a day to day basis. Buying a house and having a child together were both far bigger commitments.

I didn’t change my name because it’s an old hat and I was in my late 30s so professionally everyone knew me by something else anyway.

Getting married is incredibly easy, being married is the element that requires the prolonged effort and commitment.

Marriage to the right person is fabulous, with shared values you pull together and create a family unit in whatever guise that takes.

It should always be considered with a cool head and with long term financial and emotional goals aligning, it is after all a binding contract.

I remember someone saying once that it’s easy to be committed during the easy times but marriage is the commitment to stay during the hard parts of life (illnesses, deaths of loved ones, work challenges etc). Obviously many marriage fall apart because some people run away at hard things and many non-married couples remain committed but that’s always felt like the difference to me - we are partners now until death (catholics!).

DH and I married after 12 years and 2 DC. It does feel different for me which I did not expect at all. It feels more secure and stable, like marriage sort of cemented things. That's all well and good in my situation, but if you marry the wrong person it could feel more like being trapped.

Yes it did to me, mind you my DH was very keen to get married, it meant a lot to him. He was getting divorced (I met him nine months after they separated) and she was holding things up a bit - we had a date in mind but couldn’t book it - so it was suggested (by my old fashioned Dad, of all people), that we have a celebration and get the legal bit done quietly later. But my DH said no it had to be proper - he wanted us to be married, and there’s something very attractive about a man who is that determined despite his previous experience! To us it was the firm, public commitment. It gave us security, not just financially but emotionally.
i have a friend who has been with her partner for over 30 years. Both had been married before annd she had a child. They bought a house together but she wanted to get married but he wouldn’t, for whatever reason. She told me once that to her that meant he wasn’t making the ultimate commitment, despite the house and obvious plan to spend their lives together. She had always felt he must not love her enough.

I was with my DH 10 years before we got married and we already had two children together. In terms of commitment marriage didn't really add to that, I think having children together is more of a commitment then marriage. But for me it made me feel more secure. I can't really explain why.

I love being his wife. We've now been married 18 years and that feeling hasn't worn off at all.

We wanted children and I refused unless we were married.
We both knew I'd be cutting hours when they were small and no way was I taking all the risk with my financial future. While you can pick wisely, nobody knows how their partner is are going to react to parenthood.

Also I wasn't prepared to have the lifelong commitment of a child with a man who wasn't prepared to commit to me.

I think marriage changed something, although I fully accept that's not the case for everyone. I felt settled. I still do. But that said I don't think I wouldn't marry again if anything happened to DH, the driver was children.

I’m so glad I didn’t have a religious ceremony then - no way do I want to be tied to him in the afterlife as well 😂