Does marriage change anything?

[Jigglywigglypuff]

What is it like to be married?

I have never been married and it makes me quite sad. I just feel almost like I have never been good enough to consider for marriage. Not one of my exes have ever seriously talked about it / suggested it. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to wear the big fancy dress and have a party and day dedicated to me and the imaginary love of my life, celebrating happiness.

Ultimately I am glad they never did, as they all ended badly, particularly the last one. But it got me thinking, what is so good about marriage anyway? Does anyone that is married feel that it changed anything for them, or that life is better in any sort of way because of the marriage? All the married people that I know, whom I have posed this question too, just say it's great or no different from any other relationship, but I feel people tend to be less honest in person about these sorts of things.

I know marriage has legal and financial benefits etc, but I'm talking purely about the emotional aspect.

I know of a few couples that married that definitely should not have, and cannot wait to see how that plays out. One divorce already!

So, did marriage change anything for you?

Firstly, you are absolutely good enough to marry. I’m really sorry you feel like that (I often felt like this at times in my late teens / early twenties which is just crazy) but I promise you that’s not the case. If you want to marry some day, you will just find the right person, and your exes clearly just weren’t the ‘right’ person for you but you will find him eventually.

Now onto your question - I’d be lying if I didn’t dream of marriage my whole life. But first of all, the actual wedding day was just so incredibly overrated and financially ludicrous. My favourite part was actually the church ceremony, and how beautiful the service was. I will admit I felt spiritually bound to my husband but that might’ve just been all in my head. The lunch and reception after was a waste of money and the dress was overpriced although I did feel beautiful.

In terms of being married - I loved the fact I had changed my surname. I didn’t hate my maiden name but I always dreamt of taking my husbands name. I still very much enjoy saying ‘My husband XYZ’ instead of ‘my boyfriend ‘XYZ’… god knows why but I guess I like the fact it sounds more official.

In terms of feeling ‘different’ - we were probably in a ‘husband and wife’ bubble for a few weeks after the wedding being like ‘I can’t believe we are married’ but once my passport was all changed and the novelty wore off, normal life resumed. We had a joint back account before we were married so not much changed there either.

I love being a WIFE and not just a girlfriend, whatever that may mean . I also like ticking ‘married’ on forms and not ‘single’ because even when we cohabitated I still had to tick single. I like being introduced as a wife snd being referred to as wife.

But that’s really just me - i haven’t even been married a year so maybe the novelty will wear off for these things too. But I do think marriage is special and I think it’s a shame that it is potentially dying out with rising cost of living and people just seeing marriage as some sort of financial transaction so they’re less likely to. Bother. It doesn’t have to be - I think being married does spiritually link you together and it can be however special you make it! X

I think the pp meant these posts show that marriages does change things and is important.

I’d say we feel more like a family unit being married. And I wouldn’t have got pregnant before being married

Yes but you don’t enter into that legal contract without the love and commitment coming first.

TBH neither of us wanted DC before marriage, so there was never any question about it.

We were together for 10 years when we got married and other than legally, nothing at all changed. Just as committed, just as much of a family now as we were before.

Have you not read the multitude of threads here about women screwed over by having children with a man they’re not married to?

I’m sorry you’re sad about this. I hope you find what you are looking for. Plenty of my friends married decades after I did and are very happy.

For me marriage is

1. spiritual and religious as I have a faith
2. a committment to one another for life
3. a legal protection

The wedding was truly beautiful but a wedding day alone is a bad reason to enter into a marriage.

I think plenty of people would say they get married for 2) and 3) or one of those without having a faith.

Some people get married to celebrate the love they already have and just want others to enjoy with them that celebration of love. But that assumes 2) is already firmly there - perhaps through bonds like buying a house and having children.

I think if both the people are traditional in their beliefs about marriage (probably usually as a result of a religious/cultural upbringing that marriage is a sacred vow), it can make a difference emotionally. If you both believe that you're promising before not just the world but also before God that you will be faithful, then that can provide an extra feeling of security in one another. Of course, the kind of person who deeply believes they should be faithful to their life partner will be faithful regardless of whether they're married or not.

Then there's the legal protection aspect, which to me goes hand in hand with the feeling of being protected and safe in my relationship.

So yes, I think marriage can change how people feel, but I imagine it's less likely to change how you feel if you've already been living together for years before getting married.

If someone's interested in marriage, I'd make that clear fairly early in the relationship. Obviously people can lie, but I'd hope they'd be honest about whether that's something that's important to them, too, or if they don't see the point.

Yep!

Twice married, twice divorced and the poorer for it!

For me, personally, yes, it feels different to be married rather than just living together. I think because it shows the commitment we have made to each other - we have made promises to each other, and haven't just 'drifted' into our relationship. I felt different from the day we married - I can't quite explain it - just more loved and secure I guess. I know that things can change of course, but we've been married nearly 30 years, and I think that being married can also make you fight a little harder to sort out any problems/arguments that you have.

I definitely wouldn't have had children before marriage or continued to live together indefinitely - if I'm not good enough to marry, then he doesn't get all the other stuff too!

If also seen women take men for all they have, so in fairness it works both ways.

The ideal is finding someone who is genuinely dedicated to you, and will always have your back, and reciprocating that feeling.

I'm like you, never married and on reflection I have never met a man that I genuinely trusted to be decent, so I've made the right decisions.

I have my son and my home, and I seem to be happier than most of my married friends, several of whom are looking for a way out, so I regard myself as lucky.

It solidified our relationship, I think. And we were both well informed enough about the legal side to understand that we were making a commitment to each other that there isn't really an equivalent of, other than CP. So we were happy about that part too.

He can’t moan at me for using his things as technically its also my things. Apart from that it isn’t different for us as we didn’t need marriage to feel committed etc.

Just financially and legally.
Shouldn’t make any real difference to the relationship, unless the individuals have attached meaning to it.

I am very shallow and loved the big day and attention
Also loved my DH and thankfully it has lasted 30 years
Financially it is fairly neutral and we earn the same
Also I would not have had kids if I hadn’t been married

Same. We’ve been married for 26 years and marriage has made this relationship feel different to any unmarried one.

I got married at 40. I feel like 10 years is enough for me. I wish it was contract renewal rather than a contract I have to get out of… Happy I tried it, but I feel like another life is out there. Not another man. MY life!

We’re getting married in the next couple of months so that I won’t get deported.

That’s it.

It won’t make any difference to our lives otherwise.

I'm deeply sorry for both of your losses. It sounds like they were both positive in their own respects and you gained a lot from it. This is what I'm hoping for in the future, just someone to proudly and properly call my own, to share happy and sad times with, as is life, but still remain together through it all and stronger for it. I was starting to think such a love doesn't exist, but quite a lot of comments on this thread are giving me hope. I'm only 29 so still hope yet! Thank you.

If it’s something you want to do and believe in it’s great.

if it’s not then it’s not for you.

happily married for 22 years

Unfortunately.

Otherwise many elderly friends or siblings could enjoy the legal benefits.

Mostly the legal and financial benefits for me, especially as we wanted children. I don’t think I’d have had children outside of marriage (nothing to do with God or anything; just that I think it’s more secure for women and children).

However, I obviously do retain some slightly traditional values even if I’m not really aware of them, because there have been times where I think I might have walked away if we hadn’t been married. The marriage made me determined to stick it out and try harder through the rough patches.

Not anything awful like abuse or infidelity- just the regular ups and downs of relationships.

How did it change things is a hard one to answer because my initial thought, besides the fact we wanted children and to be married before said children and of course, the legal protections marriage offers, is that it just felt more secure, which is a funny one because I obviously had a good degree of faith that we’d go the distance or I’d never have married him. But so it is. We both stood there in front of all our loved ones to make that massive commitment to each other and sure, people can argue marriage doesn’t matter or that it isn’t needed but I disagree. For us, it was incredibly important, and remains so. I think he’s as wonderful today as the day I married him, I feel very lucky.