Does marriage change anything?

[Jigglywigglypuff]

What is it like to be married?

I have never been married and it makes me quite sad. I just feel almost like I have never been good enough to consider for marriage. Not one of my exes have ever seriously talked about it / suggested it. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to wear the big fancy dress and have a party and day dedicated to me and the imaginary love of my life, celebrating happiness.

Ultimately I am glad they never did, as they all ended badly, particularly the last one. But it got me thinking, what is so good about marriage anyway? Does anyone that is married feel that it changed anything for them, or that life is better in any sort of way because of the marriage? All the married people that I know, whom I have posed this question too, just say it's great or no different from any other relationship, but I feel people tend to be less honest in person about these sorts of things.

I know marriage has legal and financial benefits etc, but I'm talking purely about the emotional aspect.

I know of a few couples that married that definitely should not have, and cannot wait to see how that plays out. One divorce already!

So, did marriage change anything for you?

It's important not to conflate loving someone with deciding to marry them.

Love my current partner, was happy to marry him because I know she will benhis only child, he is financially secure and he will 100% act in our child's best interests.

Loved my ex, but that man lived on credit cards and there is no way on this planet I'd have tied myself to him legally in any way, shape or form or put him in a position to care for our hypothetical child's future.

The only thing it changed was my name. We had been living 'as married' for years already; joint account, bought house together etc.

That is so sweet of you to say, thank you very much. I really do hope so, I have also always dreamed of it and not just for the wedding itself, though have always excited to wear the dress and have the fuss etc.

These are all of the things I feel like I would enjoy as a bonus to the marriage, we sound similar in that regard lol. I do feel mostly sad as I always dreamed of saying our vows at the alter and as you described, feeling that spiritual connection together, as if no-one else is there in a room full of people. I just long for that feeling of love so badly.

Yes it does depress me that so many people see it purely as a transaction, and seem to mostly only do it for the legal and financial benefits. I understand those things are important, too, but what ever happened to marrying for love? Call me childish but it just makes me sad.

I'm glad you found your special person, I so hope I find my own! Thank you x

Marriage didn’t change my name. That was one of the things I loved about him. We discussed it and his response was “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”.

We've done 57 years and we are still happy...

@Jigglywigglypuff "Why did you feel the need to marry to have children though?"

I can't speak for the poster who you asked this question of, but many women marry because the contract gives their children legal/financial protection should everything goes tits up - which it often does.

Been married twice. It changed our relationships for the worse. They both had a sense of ownership which I hadn’t expected.

Marriage is a personal and public comittment that you are a unit, a team and support one another. If you want the really old-fashioned reasons for marrying, read the Church of England marriage vows.
In this day and age as well as because marriage has been downgraded by politicians, it is now seen more as a legal contract.
Sadly even legal contracts do not always do what they were supposed to.

It was always seen as a legal contract, I think. I think that's its primary purpose.

When I married in the late 1980's I can, hand on heart say financial reasons really weren't something at the forefront of my mind. Neither did I hear any of my friends/family talk about it.

Ok, but I was replying to a question about why a woman would want to get married before having children…

I've been married twice. The first time - nothing but regret. I was 24 and very, very naive.
The second time I was 40 and I am so pleased we did. Can't give a "concrete" reason really as to why I feel that way. We already had a daughter, I retained my family name and Ms title, and neither of us have any savings to speak of, no assets or wills. So financial reasons don't come into play. We don't have a joint bank account, nor would we want one.
I don't feel "proud" of being a wife or anything like that, but I do like it and wouldn't change it for the world.

Marriage won’t fix a poor relationship but for an already good relationship it’s the icing on the cake. I love being married and married my best friend.

@HisNotHes I was screwed over big time by a man I had kids with. I was also married to him.

It’s my second marriage. Took me about 5 years to feel married. Changed nowt.

We didn't live together before we got married so can't say if I'd feel the same if we had stayed together but never married. Been married 18 years and it really feels like I'm in a team with my best friend. There was a definite increase in loving feelings after getting married but also after having kids, after he supported me through the death of a much loved parent, after lockdown, after my cancer treatment. Somehow, he loves me back for my odd ways but I'm always supportive of him too. In short I love him more now than the day I married him and I thought I loved him loads then.

It didn’t really change anything for us. Neither of us have any assets, I didn’t change my name and it didn’t feel any different in terms of emotional ties. But both of us wanted to commit to the other in every way possible. I wanted to be his wife. He wanted to be my husband.

@Loulou4022 describes it well; like the icing on the cake.

I married only because the man was semi decent, caring and generous with me....so I knew I would not beg for money when I would be a mother to a baby...we were friends and still are and have a lot in common

if he was a complete twat, weirdo, cock lodger, porn addict or abusive, of course I would not be married.....so the answer depends on the fact what kind of boyfriends you attract

For us, (Christians) it meant making declarations before God that would last beyond this life. Four children and one ordination later, we still hold to those vows.

For me it did. I felt trapped almost immediately. Something shifted for me psychologically / in my head but he also admitted to treating me differently after we were married like expecting me to be more domestic etc when I had never been in the whole 6.5 years before marriage.
I’m quite a strong minded person tho so pushed back on these new expectations and remained independent and as I was before we married, and over time things improved. We’ve been together almost 20 years but had we not married I would have left a long time ago. I personally see no benefit to getting married and would recommend to my daughter that marriage isn’t necessary…in fact I’d probably avoid it altogether. For me marriage has been really hard work.

For my husband, it was the green light to start being properly abusive. In hindsight there had been signs but it really ramped up after the wedding.

I left him after a year and when he was begging me to come back, I said "what did you think I would do if you treat me so badly?" His answer: "we're married, I didn't think you would actually leave"

(Note we are not British born so culturally a divorce is a huge deal).

Damn I'm jealous. You're so lucky! I hope I'm able to find someone this romantic and understanding. Cherish it

Jfc that's awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Some men are such pieces of shit that comments like this make me glad I'm not married. I hope you're doing better now

Trust me I do. I love the bones of him.