Am I alone?

[WartFace]

I often wonder how many other people out there are like me. I’m retired from a public sector job, as is my DH. We’re lucky enough to be comfortably off though not wealthy by most standards. It may just be an age thing, but I feel disconnected from most people’s interests and popular culture in general. I certainly don’t want to be judgemental or snobbish but I feel everyone wants to talk about travel and sport and popular culture all the time and I just enjoy quiet things! I know I’m privileged (very well educated) but I sometimes feel so lonely. Are there others out there like me?

I was a primary school teacher not a civil servant. I taught in inner city schools. If I’ve ever used books as an escape, it was because of traumas I experienced in early adulthood.

I can go out of my village scenario when my DH drives me. I don’t like dogs so I wouldn’t inflict myself on one.

I can understand where you’re coming from, as a retired person. I think in retirement, especially from a demanding professional role, it is difficult to find your ‘tribe’.
When working, often it involves meeting with a variety of people, but your common purpose is whatever the job entails. Retirement can mean that you have time to mix socially with people from all walks of life, some you can relate to others not so much.
You apparently live in an isolated spot, so it’s not easy to find like minded people. My only suggestion is to look at what your local U3A has to offer and maybe get a taxi to some of their events.

Of course there are. I’m 31 and a member of the WI for a reason! We do lots of quiet things and I listen to radio more than watch TV.

That said I do enjoy some Chinese dramas, attend the occasional gig and go to the cinema. So I am a mix of quieter things and more mainstream. Both are commonly enjoyed!

Ghent is lovely. Stay in the old Post Office if you can! They named a drink after me there once upon a time… no idea if it’s still there.

I think WartFace, that if you did admit (as I do) to friends that sport, pop TV or whatever isn't your cup of tea, you would in fact find that it doesn't matter in the least. I believe that people like me more not less for being myself .
I would also be most upset if I thought a friendship meant pretending to like Bake Off or not even worse not enjoying my company because I love Digging for Britain!
Celebrate these different things, ask questions, make suggestions , someone told me I'd love Downton Abbey because I love history, I assumed I'd hate it (because I love history!). I watched it & love it . Big lesson to myself!

Thank you. I try not to grumble about where I live because we could move. It’s absolutely beautiful here but there’s a trade-off. Fewer people means fewer friends (obviously). And I think you put your finger on it with your comments on retirement. Possibly Mumsnet isn’t the best fit for me.

Well, I'm not sure I understand exactly the point of your thread. People enjoy a wide variety of interests, some not to your taste. And. . .?

I'm a writer and an academic. Reading and writing are crucial to my career but I also choose to spend my free time engaged in these pursuits. In addition, I love travel, music, films, animals, architecture, politics, art, clothes, interior design, and a lot of other things. I really enjoy discovering a musician I've never heard before or visiting a city or country that is new to me. The people I enjoy spending time with most are those who are open to new experiences and curious about the world.

Of course, there are many activities or hobbies that I've no interest in. But if a friend is passionate about something, I'm delighted to hear about it. Sometimes that has led me to take up new interests that I never imagined I'd engage in. Though sometimes I am more than happy to just experience their hobbies vicariously. Skydiving, for instance. 😱

👍🏻 and I love the story about Ghent!

It’s lovely to know you’re all out there!

I suppose the point of my thread is that so many people I know since I retired and moved just want to have superficial conversations. Probably should have worded it all very differently.

You agreed wholeheartedly with a post that was sneering at people who are interested in interior design - as if that means they can't be interested in anything else - and you literally said very clearly that people who don't read for pleasure must have enormous amounts of empty time, as if you imagine there isn't anything else worth doing. You even admitted that it would be an 'unpopular opinion' so I'd have thought you had a good idea of what you were implying.

But I'll take your disclaimer in good faith and proceed on that basis.

I'm still rather unclear as to what 'quiet things' are. I don't think popular culture is any less quiet than anything else, is it?

Maybe you need to think a bit more openly, rather than trying to categorise things quite as rigidly as you do, if you really do want to find people you have more common ground with.

For example, you say you aren't interested in 'popular culture' but you mention, for instance, that you 'watch a lot of Walter Presents'. That is popular culture :) It's TV drama. The fact that it's not in English doesn't mean it's not popular culture.

Similarly 'travel' - you might not like to travel, but a lot of people who do will have had all sorts of experiences that are likely relevant to things you do like. History and culture are often the main motive for travelling - certainly for me.

Same with sport, actually - obviously people banging on about the intricacies of football tactics is dull to anyone who doesn't like football (or any sport; I'm just using football as an example) but there's an awful lot about football across the world that has fascinating historic, cultural and political connections.

If you're of the mindset that 'travel, sport and popular culture' are essentially 'package holidays to Tenerife, Match of the Day and Celebrity Love Island', that's probably not helping matters when it comes to connecting with people.

For what it's worth, my partner and I both have some very niche interests and we're both very introverted and value solitude. I do get what it's like to have interests that people around you don't share. But it doesn't have to isolate you if you think a bit more flexibly, and curiously, about things.

You also mention that other people might find you intense. By that, do you mean that you tend to fixate on the things you're interested in and want make them the sole focus of your conversation? Because that seems more about personality type than the interests themselves.

Absolutely. But I wasn't talking about myself, I said you seem educated and intellectual and some will say that's per definition being snobbish. I disagree.

Thanks for the good faith. I didn’t read the other person’s post as sneering at the time but agreed with her lack of understanding (ie I don’t understand it either). I’ve said elsewhere that I was wrong to specify reading in lockdown - but there wasn’t much else to do apart from tv and housework (for people in my position). I felt quite sorry for extraverts during lockdown.

@BauhausOfEliott Re: intense … well, definite ASD traits. But generally serious minded and a bit earnest. Quite a few trauma responses I think. Complicated, like everyone else.

What exactly are your interests?

Sorry - that was sarcasm 🤕

I think people are different and thats ok.
I dont think you are alone in not being interested in travel,sport or popular culture,
Life is huge and its up to you what interests you!

I'm not sitting watching Love Island myself and refuse to engage in conversations about dieting, so am probably not entirely representative of my gender and generation either, but I don't think one way of spending time is morally better than any other.

I love reading and do it to the exclusion of lots of other things, perhaps, but it is no better than watching TV/scrolling social media/decorating. I like it more but it isn't better in any way.

Time is going to tick past either way and I think the idea of 'spending it well' is false. You've only got one life:spend it well according to your own tastes. I won't be spending it watching reality TV or in a shopping centre but prefer running, reading, watching live music and spending time in pubs with friends which isn't better or worse in any way. I just like it more.

There's no winners in terms of hobbies and pastimes. It is nice, personally speaking, that I have friends and a spouse who share my interests but people vary in terms of how much social interaction they prefer, and that's okay too. It would be interminably dull and restrictive if we were all alike, wouldn't it?

Brilliant post (though I hope I wasn’t being as judgy as that - didn’t mean to be).

I’m both well educated and reasonably intellectual. Her post certainly did skirt very close to the line, even if it didn’t cross over it. I could almost see an arched eyebrow and a small smirk, as she tutted and shook her head.

Everyone has their own interests. I have zero interest in pop culture or reality TV such as Married At First Sight. I’m also not interested in ever changing our home once this (very much needed) renovation is done. However, I appreciate that other people love these things and may not like things I enjoy. Neither of our interests are better than the others and, as long as you don’t harm others, fill your boots however you wish! That’s the joy of life 😊

That's uncanny! I think it's called the Post and Porter's House now and it was our first choice. However I am not sharing a king bed with my brother ha ha, and for our dates, there were no twin rooms available. But we will go down and have a look at it anyway. Staying in a more mundane place but near the Korenmarkt and not far from the river.

The whole city looks unreal and I am so looking forward to seeing it. Did you do a river cruise, I'm thinking of a walking tour while bro sits on a terrace having some great Belgian beer! He is not that great on the pins, with two new knees! But he is doing the driving when we head off to Flanders so all is forgiven. I'm navigating and have a list of places to see around Ypres, so it could be a Mrs. Bucket and Richard situation in the car. 😊

I see what you're saying but I don't think it's that straight-forward. I think that a lot of people don't have 'real' hobbies and interests - they're simply chasing dopamine. So, the redecorating thing, they're bored with what they have and just want the hit from buying something and changing it. It isn't about a real interest in interior design - it's a symptom of their boredom and a very shallow interest. They don't know about interior design in any depth or detail - they just fancy a change. Just like the endless scrolling on social media - it's all about the dopamine hit. I think it can be the same owith some people that go to the gym with their main aim being to look aesthetically pleasing - they aren't doing it for deeper reasons, it's more shallow than that. But then other people are going because it makes them feel good (mentally & physically), or they want to get better at certain skills/technique and or be competitive against others...or maybe just socialise. Some people are into travel because want a tan, or to tick countries off a list and gather stamps in their passport - that can seem shallow. But the reasons for travel are endless: new experiences, tasting and learning to cook different cuisines, learning about cultures and religions...or just needing a break from the ratrace and some perspective on your version of 'normal'.

Our reasons for doing things can be shallow - and simply for fun. It can be a bit of a bore having to ascribe deeper meaning to everything! Maybe your problem is small talk? It's definitely a skill and you are making big assumptions about people and their interests.

I must admit, I get a dopamine hit from buying books. Definitely. I can see the point of small talk but don’t enjoy it at all. As you can tell, I also over share. Pretty sure it’s ASD.

If you want to speak in person who like similar things to you and the people. In your current social circles don't share those interests you will need to do something to meet those people there are plenty of book clubs, WI or whatever. If you live rurally then you'll need to look up the closest ones and get your husband to drive you there or taxi or whatever. You're not going to convince your current social circle to appreciate the same things you like anymore then they're going to convince you to like sports