Could you still hold a grudge against someone from primary school?

[BeardofHagrid]

Just silly girls’ politics during primary school, falling out with each other, accusations of best friends being stolen etc, could you still hold a grudge against someone for that now?

The context is that I saw a woman I was at primary school with recently in a shop and she stormed out when she saw me. I hadn’t seen her for 30 years.

I had one birthday party and birthday cake as a child, Christian Smyth blew my candles out, I’ll never forgive him.

@BeardofHagrid yes if the little shits were bullies, and when you see them agsin, it opens up the trauma. Bullies are horrible people.

To be fair to the OP, there's another thread trending called What is the wankiest thing you’ve seen your ex do? and highly amusing it is to - but one could respond similarly to many of the posts with 'Yes, but what did YOU do to provoke that behaviour?' if you wanted to!

Hmmm, not a grudge as such. There was a girl who made my life hell at primary school. I saw her years later and felt ill at the sight of her, it brought some horrible feelings back.

Also, I developed elective mutism and have had lifelong severe self esteem issues due to another girl who bullied me. It seems weird that a 10-year-old girl’s actions would still affect me 37 years later but I hope I never ever see her again.

@Hernameisdeborah that's exactly how mine made me feel - although I did get a little bit of satisfaction when I saw on her husband's Facebook (he's now been deleted) that she's turned out to be one of life's losers whereas I've done fairly well despite a lifetime of bullying (and other trauma)

I’m curious to know what “storming out” looked like. I imagine some kind of Eastenders-style huffing, perhaps an expletive or shouted insult and a slammed door.
Or was it closer to taking one look, turning around and walking out? That would be a completely reasonable and dignified response to spotting someone unpleasant.

I was bullied by different people in primary and secondary school. I hold grudges for all but wouldn't feel the need to leave somewhere if i saw them. I would likely ignore them and not make contact of any kind.

I would probably avoid the bullies who physically assaulted me. Is that bearing a grudge? I wouldn't try to hurt them though.

Glad it’s not just me 😁

Yes absolutely. It to this day makes me very wary of forming friendships with girls and being victim of the mob mentality which evolved around their behaviours was awful.
One painfully shy girl in my year had the balls not to join the masses and she suffered for that decision aswell. They were evil backed by their parents jealousy over my family - not rich and the fact that I was on the extreme end of the bell curve for a certain characteristic which I had no control over.
I would not acknowledge them to this day - HW and LB you know who you are. You were evil

Possibly if bullying was involved. For me personally, not primary school but there are a few people from secondary I’d cross the street to avoid and some even hearing their name gives me chills. I was teased mercilessly.

"abc and xyz.. you know who you are"... but, they very probably don't. And if they do, that's because they do acknowledge and feel bad about how they behaved as children. But that's about them and not you. If they don't... well that's also about them and not about you. The need to process the grief for a childhood you deserved - to just be able to go to school and do what you had to do without feeling terrorised - is very real and very imporant, but "holding a grudge" against small children of the past will stop you working through that. No, you absolutely do not need to acknowledge or be friendly towards the adult they are now, you don't know them, they don't know you, you are no more obliged to them than any other stranger you have a bad feeling about. But equally, those children have long since gone and for as long as you focus on being angry with them and not on healing yourself, then you are being haunted by their ghosts. No one deserves to be bullied. No one asks for it. Unforunately it's incredibly common for school children to suffer this: you really are not alone, many - if not most - people will empathise.

A girl I went to primary school with who bullied me has ended up sending her children to the same primary school as mine. I have to admit I still strongly dislike this person and feel uncomfortable in their presence. I'm always civil though.

Yes. I've had lifelong mental health issues caused in part by bullying in school. I still have bad dreams about my school.
I'm 45.

I might 'storm' out if I felt that I was going to become emotional.

The thing a lot of people seem to misunderstand is that not wishing to have anything to do with my school bullies doesn’t impact my day-to-day life. people are quick to comment about how harmful holding a grudge is and how it just holds you back, but that’s not always the case.

I don’t think about mine unless I see them. I’ve built a solid happy life for myself. I just have no desire to have chats with people who made my life hell. And I feel no obligation to make them feel better about their childhood actions by allowing them to trample my boundaries as an adult.

One of mine whinges on social media every time she tries to talk to me and I walk away. Apparently it would be healing for us both if I just listened, then we could move on. I healed myself years ago, and moved on. I listened politely the first time I bumped into her, wished her well and asked her to leave me be. But I didn’t say “It’s ok” and apparently they “need” that. And cannot see that repeatedly ignoring my wishes by trying to engage in conversation shows that they are still selfish and only interested in their own wishes.

I don't focus on my live beefs and they don't affect my life but yes in honesty I do have them. I think its perfectly possible to do so.

The thing a lot of people seem to misunderstand is that not wishing to have anything to do with my school bullies doesn’t impact my day-to-day life. people are quick to comment about how harmful holding a grudge is and how it just holds you back, but that’s not always the case.

I totally agree, JustAnother!

I think that's one of those mindless mantras (like 'you can't be hurt by people you don't respect' etc etc) which people trot out automatically.

I hold several grudges and quite enjoy them! It's never been detrimental to my life. To me, it's about boundaries (sorry - annoying word) and having standards. If people have seriously mistreated my or mine in the past, they won't get another chance - I don't forget. That doesn't mean I waste any headspace on them - I just file them under 'persona non grata'.

I think holding grudges can be healthy. It's self-protective, it's a sign that you value yourself and won't put up with being treated badly. It doesn't mean you chew the carpet every evening, plotting revenge. I think actually, putting pressure on people who've been hurt to feel they must forgive is damaging.

But then I've always thought forgiveness is vastly overrated!

Totally agree.

To add to this, I would purely LOVE to withhold something that a bully thinks they need.

Not a school friend but if I saw my primary school teacher I'd be liable to do something dreadful

No, I can't hold a grudge.
I was bullied in school. I was a red head and was seriously teased.

I wouldn't storm out of anywhere or even acknowledge the person but I definitely still dislike the two girls who bullied me at the end of primary school and the girl who bullied me for a bit during high school.

I think the way you've said 'silly girl politics' is most likely massively downplaying it and I can imagine her view of things is vastly different.

Oh yeah. I can hold a grudge

”I don’t give any headspace to holding grudges I just enjoy having them”… sure.

No. What sort of adult holds a grudge against a 9 year old?