Partner on holiday with a female friend!

[Daisymay1000]

I need to ask peoples honest opinions.

my partner went away on Sunday “with the boys” I wished him off well, hope he has a lovely time etc. been FaceTiming me, sending me pics etc. then yesterday a female friend may be flying over. I said I wasn’t very comfortable with this especially as she would be staying in the same apartment. He said he wasn’t sure if she even was yet she just said she may do. I looked on her story on instagram and she was already there, had been the whole time! Tagging him in pics etc. Iv broke up with him as the lies and the disrespect for me are too much. Am I being unreasonable or over reacting? He said I was and it’s just a friend and I’m controlling. But for me I can’t imagine he would ever allow me on holiday with a male staying in the same apartment?! There’s 3 men and her.

Omg, the lying! I couldn't.

The fact that he lied instead of sitting down and talking to you about this issue is a sign of someone who would rather tell lies than communicate, and that doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship that stands the test of time. He should have had a discussion with you, said that this person was coming and he couldn't very well tell her not to, but neither did he want to miss out on the holiday. So ideally, you both would have talked through your fears and why you feel that way.

But the forethought and the effort put into lying, all to keep you in the dark...awful.

Unless you think all 3 men are having a sexual relationship with this women (which is highly unlikely), then she's part of their friendship group. How long have you been with your partner? Have you met this woman? Have you met the other men going on the holiday?

The issue isn't really with the woman going on the holiday, it's the fact that your partner didn't tell you from the start. He lied, told you he wasn't sure if she was coming or not. You then find out that this woman has been with them all along.

Why did he lie? Probably because he knew you wouldn't be happy with her being there. You need to figure out why you aren't happy with her being there? Do you think your partner is cheating on you with her or perhaps wants too? Have you been negative towards the woman before?

Being uneasy because you suspect something is wrong, is one thing but not if it's simply because she's female. Only you know the reason for your feelings.

I can’t imagine he would ever allow me on holiday with a male staying in the same apartment?!

This is also a red flag fyi. He doesn't get to "allow you" on holiday with whoever. You don't get to allow him on holiday with whoever. Neither of you should be lying though.

All of this is so bloody alien to me. The weird opinions around mixed-sex friendships. The idea that anyone would feel that's a thing to object to or lie about. The idea that you'd stay in a relationship with someone who thought they had a say in your social life. Utterly bizarre.

not as much as you think, that's the argument used by abusers everywhere.
It's tragically still happening everywhere.

Agree with this.

I can't say I would be happy about my dh going away with some 'pick me' girl. The lying about it makes it completely unacceptable. He has the right to do what he wants with this woman and op has the right to decide if his behaviour aligns with that of someone she would choose as a partner. If he lies the op doesn't have the information required to make an informed choice, which is likely why he didn't tell her. He wants to keep op whilst behaving in a manner that she doesn't agree with.

You have every right to be angry op.

Your last para. It's not utterly bizarre. There are posters on here whose husbands swore they were "just friends" with X woman, and that woman and their former husbands are now married with children. And if you're in a committed relationship, you can't do everything you want like you could if single. You have someone else's feelings to consider.

Personally, I don't get why a woman would go on holiday with three men - doesn't she have any women friends? - but that's just me.

Agreed

That's probably not 'just you' - but it's certainly not me

It isn't a healthy relationship if he would ALLOW you to do something.
It isn't a healthy relationship if he's lying to you.
It isn't a healthy relationship if you don't trust him.

Breaking up is for the best.

This is my point. Women don’t like her for a reason. She hangs around with men for a reason! And her behavior is very disrespectful

I think maybe you're a little naive...have you met Mother Nature?? Do you know how most men's minds work? They'll all be ogling her in her bikini and hot-weather skimpy outfits, and she's either naive and oblivious, or isn't and enjoys being lusted after by three men. And it's not a mixed group - it's three men and one woman. A mixed group would contain more than one woman.

Quite. As a lesbian I am wondering should I ban my partner from having any female friends, but male ones are okay.

I’m totally with you OP. It’s the blatant lies that were so easily disproved with a little bit of a social media search that are the issue here. He totally disrespected you by thinking he could fob you off to shut you up. Let’s face it someone who can tell such lies so easily can lie about anything else. I would never trust him again and you were right to dump him.

From how the op has described her the chances of sexual activity with at least one of the ‘boys’ would be likely.
From the content of her instagram account she certainly wants to give that impression

Yeah, I have to admit, when I read that a woman was going on holiday with three men and no other women, she sounded like a pick-me. Probably has internalised sexism and thinks attention from men is worth more than attention from women.

She's not like other girls!!! 🤣

Because friendship groups look different to different people? Why wouldn't I want to go on a holiday with friends based on their genitals rather than their personalities, interests etc. They're just men. It's perfectly possible to share interests in books, films, art, music, politics with those weird penis'd creatures called men

OK so lying is good enough reason to dump him.

But yo u said he shouldn't go with her cos he knew it would cause a problem. Why is her being there a problem unless yo u think he'll cheat?

Some of the previous replies boil down to the age-old debate about whether men and women can truly just be friends. I don't think they can - not true, proper friends - without feelings developing on at least one side. Being good acquaintances is different. Or surface-level friends, to put it another way. But actual friends - as in spending lots of time together on days out, holidays, meals out, talking about lots and lots of things - that's how feelings develop.

I have tried having male friends, but it doesn't work, because they always ended up wanting more. And even if that hadn't happened, they'd have got a girlfriend eventually and forgotten about me. Female friends are much better for me, and so I don't really understand women who prioritise male friends. And I am VERY suspicious of men and the way Mother Nature made them! Most men won't be close friends with a woman unless they think they might get their leg over at some point.

OP I am with you, I wouldn't be too happy if a woman joined my husband and his friends on a trip. Whatever anyone else says, there is definitely a different dynamic with one woman on a trip with a group of men. I could get round it if I was friendly/knew/trusted her enough though - the lying I absolutely couldn't get behind.

Ha! YOU might think that way, but I think you'll find that while you're discussing art and politics etc., half your male so-called friend's mind is occupied with thinking about how amazing it would be to get into your knickers. There's this little thing called Human Nature, and many women are naive about it.

Cheating husbands have nothing to do with mixed-sex friendship groups.

I've been on holiday with 3 men. I have plenty of women friends but the ones who would've been interested in that music festival that year couldn't come for various reasons. At least one of those men was in a relationship and it was a non-issue.

Several years later one of those men was the only man on holiday with 4 women (a city break this time). Again not deliberate (or even a point of interest), just how people's annual leave worked out.

No hun. HIS behaviour is disrespectful because he allows it. Girls like her are a dime a dozen. There are plenty out there but he explicitly chooses to keep her around (and lie about it).
Don’t be angry at her. It’s like getting angry at an animal for behaving like an animal.

Him on the other hand… He’s shown you who he is. Run and don’t look back. Life is too short to waste on liars.

You're wrong, and weirdly sex-obsessed.

Absolutely this.

Calling women 'cool wives' or 'pick mes' is such a misogynistic response to this kind of thing.

This