Fucking Shoebox and other such things

[courageiscontagious]

The Shoe Box Problem

A message came through on the class WhatsApp and in a teacher email: kids need a shoe box in two weeks. My husband is in the group. He has the luxury of ignoring it because he knows, on some level, that it will be handled. By me.

I found the box, stored it, labelled it, noticed it hadn’t left the next morning, moved it to the door.

And this is every single thing: uniforms, clothes that still fit, water bottles, teacher emails, absence logs, playdates, the family calendar, birthday presents for friends. I notice, I track, I action. He does not.

If I ask him to do something, he agrees and then doesn’t. So now I don’t ask — I just do it, because the follow-up costs more than doing it myself.

What kills me isn’t just the imbalance. It’s that there is zero acknowledgement that this is work. That I am doing it and he is not. That he is constantly benefiting from my unpaid labour without a word of recognition.

I also work more paid hours than him. I earn slightly more. My “office” is a corner of the kids’ TV room. His is a dedicated room with a door that closes. Kids come home from school or whatever, he works on uninterrupted while I fend off requests for snacks, help, attention while trying to work.

I am not a stay at home wife who signed up for this division. I am a full financial contributor running a second unpaid job he doesn’t even see.

Hes been a parent for almost a decade and never booked a minute of childcare. He can happily plan his work life as normal regardless of whether it is term time or not. Meanwhile I am currently planning childcare over the break with notes and red string like I’m solving cold case.

He’s fucking oblivious and any attempt to discuss it becomes a fight.

Has anyone actually changed this dynamic? I’m genuinely asking.

Swop office spaces as a reshuffle based on hes had his uninterrupted time and remove youself from class whatsapp group so more is on him. He will learn......

Leave over a shoebox and have the kids live out of two homes.

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and then read the OP’s posts. Slowly. If you need any help with the longer words, we can help

It's not dark, just the truth. Been married 10+ years with a faithful DH because I chose someone who was clearly not full of red flags. (Although he does slack off a bit with the mental load hence why this thread resonates).

You seem strangely triggered by the things I've said so maybe you need to take a good look at your own life. Maybe some of the truths about life after a split aren't as palatable as imagined?

Just seen your posts on the tennis theead

Makes for Pretty terrifyingly bleak reading. Hope you’re ok 💐

For this to sound “normal”to you is… sad

I did. And I know it wasn’t only over a shoebox. But really they’d be very few marriages if everyone left without at least trying to fix it.

I don’t believe you did because you seem to have missed the litany of other reasons why this is a deeply unpleasant man

This - on MN the only replies you get is "divorce" not try to communicate or go to counselling.

How do you communicate with someone who already knows what the issue is, but still chooses to do nothing about it? And more than that, gets moody and aggressive in front of children when asked to help?

There are loads of other suggestions on this thread beyond “just get divorced”. In fact I think it was only me who said to just leave cos it won’t change. Other posters have been much more constructive than me and the OP has said she would be up for trying counselling and has also clearly tried to talk to her husband about this previously but has hit a brick wall.
but hey let’s all stay married forever and be fucking miserable instead

when I raise that I want help, he immediately gets defensive and starts saying a lot of what I do is unnecessary, like I am only stressed because I make work for myself.

Oh... I had one of those. Apparently my expectations were too high because I wanted us to live in a clean and tidy house. Who needs to hoover once a week, it's fine! We don't need to wash up once a day, it's fine! Just swill out your mug, it's fine to not wash it for a week! Beds only need changing once every three months, stop being fussy! It's perfectly fine not to put any sheets on the mattress, loads of people just sleep with a duvet on top like camping! So I ended up doing it all as I wanted clean plates, a clean bed, one with sheets on it. For some strange reason he totally mind fucked me to the point where I stayed and tried to change my words, my tone, my actions, my timings, just to get him to act like a grown up, to fight for the marriage. It's called emotional abuse OP, it's a form of manipulation and control where you are only there for their convenience and not because it's you as a person. The abuse is insidious and it's soul destroying.

Go for counselling if you want to try but he has to actually want to change too, do you honestly think he will? Don't listen to his promises to do better, watch his actions and be prepared to walk. Good luck.

for the daft posters who have ploughed in with their size 12s scorning the suggestion this marriage might be over. Why don’t you bother to read the posts.

*He’s fucking oblivious and any attempt to discuss it becomes a fight.+

so now he huffs and puff every morning and is short and grouchy with the children as he feels this is very unfair

anything he can wiggle out of he does

If I suggested he offer them a snack or do the therapy homework he would act very mistreated as accuse me of nagging

Imwhen I raise anything he gets defensive

he “belittles me”

this is a rotting marriage. Must be bloody awful for @courageiscontagious and sadly the kids too

We’ve been here, however, my husband was at least open to change…

I listened to the audiobook of Lessons from a Default Parent by Lou Beckett which really helped. The list of facts at the end has been very helpful to drop into discussions on the mental load - harder to argue with facts! I seem to recall one where LB said that even in households where the man and woman earn equal amounts and both work full time the woman shoulders 70% of the mental load.

Why the fuck have you put up with it for a decade?

I’d be happy with this arrangement.

it’s more that he doesn’t acknowledge the admin and mental load as actual work that needs to be done. If he thanked me once in a blue moon and did the lions share of the house cleaning or something - I’d be happy.

it’s more he doesn’t recognise it, let alone do it. When I ask for help he is rude and says I am creating work for myself.

So…. There’s no hope is there if you have tried relentlessly to raise this with him and he point blank shuts it down.

This will be a horrible atmosphere for your kids and will be a terrible example of the division of responsibilities between men and women. Added to which , it sounds shit for you! I can’t imagine how crap you must feel around Christmas for example @courageiscontagious !

So do you have a plan?

He doesn't listen or change because he doesn't want to and nothing you say to him will change that! he will know perfectly well that you are running the mental load of the house but it will suit him to diminish its importance

Ask yourself this question @courageiscontagious

If I was a lazy, selfish and unkind person would I honestly start doing more physical chores like hoovering, washing clothes, cooking if there was any way I could wriggle out of it?

The answer is no. So why would he change and suddenly start shouldering his share? You might think well, a decent human being would step up... and that's your answer, he's not a decent human being. Or caring. Or a good guy/father. But mostly he is not kind.