Fucking Shoebox and other such things

[courageiscontagious]

The Shoe Box Problem

A message came through on the class WhatsApp and in a teacher email: kids need a shoe box in two weeks. My husband is in the group. He has the luxury of ignoring it because he knows, on some level, that it will be handled. By me.

I found the box, stored it, labelled it, noticed it hadn’t left the next morning, moved it to the door.

And this is every single thing: uniforms, clothes that still fit, water bottles, teacher emails, absence logs, playdates, the family calendar, birthday presents for friends. I notice, I track, I action. He does not.

If I ask him to do something, he agrees and then doesn’t. So now I don’t ask — I just do it, because the follow-up costs more than doing it myself.

What kills me isn’t just the imbalance. It’s that there is zero acknowledgement that this is work. That I am doing it and he is not. That he is constantly benefiting from my unpaid labour without a word of recognition.

I also work more paid hours than him. I earn slightly more. My “office” is a corner of the kids’ TV room. His is a dedicated room with a door that closes. Kids come home from school or whatever, he works on uninterrupted while I fend off requests for snacks, help, attention while trying to work.

I am not a stay at home wife who signed up for this division. I am a full financial contributor running a second unpaid job he doesn’t even see.

Hes been a parent for almost a decade and never booked a minute of childcare. He can happily plan his work life as normal regardless of whether it is term time or not. Meanwhile I am currently planning childcare over the break with notes and red string like I’m solving cold case.

He’s fucking oblivious and any attempt to discuss it becomes a fight.

Has anyone actually changed this dynamic? I’m genuinely asking.

This won’t change. Leave. Sounds like you’d be better off. You’re doing it all alone anyway.

The thing about the mental load when you’re a single parent is that you just know you have to do it all so you do it all and weirdly it’s somehow easier. You aren’t constantly seething because some entitled shit if a man can’t be fucked go do their bit. And the peace of that is unreal. If you split would he want 50/50… and would you trust him to look after the kids? I guess that’s the risk. But genuinely my experience tells me that men like this don’t change after a decade.

Some of this needs to change. You should be a able to have your own private space to work and days you can work uninterrupted, even if that means you alternate use of the office space

He’d probably want 50/50 but I think I’d still be keeping track of everything.

If you otherwise like him still then this is where relationship counselling could be helpful

It makes me really annoyed that he hasn’t offered this. I was on mat leave when we moved into the house so he napped the office and it hasn’t changed

Have you asked though?!

I think I would like him a lot if I wasn’t feeling depleted and unappreciated.

You’d get 50% free time though, to work uninterrupted. You’d only keep track of things on your days, and no one would undo the work you’d just done (I was expecting you to say he’d binned the shoebox before it got to school!).

I feel you.

We did change this (to some extent - I still do more of this stuff but I work fewer days and have things that make it logistically easier for me).

But this was because my DH wanted it to change and took on some of it. He gets the school emails as well, he puts stuff in the calendar, he does half the school runs so needs to remember things otherwise it's him going up again with the forgotten items....

I think he realised after multiple discussions where I said I'm at full capacity and if they need anything else tomorrow everything in my head will fall out. Sometimes when we are going to bed I list everything I need to remember the next day.

Then why don't you both try relationship counselling to work towards a fairer balance?

Simple solutions might work here

• alternating office space
• agreeing each person's tasks (but then its also on you to not step in if he doesn't do them, he needs to experience the consequences)

The office is full of his junk- floor to ceiling - Lego and gaming equipment and moving boxes we still haven’t opened. It feels like asking for some time in the office is basically volunteering to tidy the space for him, which I would also resent

Could you both work in his office, with headphones? I have colleagues that do that. I'm also in a corner of a room but it's for fewer days so I'm not too bitter...

Tell him the study is now a joint office. And you'll split the 'with children' while working time 50/50. You'll need to invest in noise cancelling headphones/use white noise, because it'll be chaos.

And as much as I hate the idea, he needs to fail the kids a few times (the shoebox) and have to deal with the fallout (come home, pick it up, go back to school OR deal with upset children).

Or you could leave him. TELL HIM why you might have to leave him. Because he isn't an equal parent.

So we have 60/40 and I keep track of everything as well but honestly it’s better. As I am in charge in my own home and not constantly angry. Plus I have down time. But financially it has been tough. Do you still have any feelings for him or has his behaviour beaten it out of you? Maybe it’s time for a final sit down calm convo where you outline what you’ve said in your post, with examples, and say that if things don’t change in x months and/or you have counselling, then you’re done

I like to try counselling- just thinking he’ll make me feel silly for demanding this over a show box. It’s a million small things.

“I am not a stay at home wife who signed up for this division. I am a full financial contributor running a second unpaid job he doesn’t even see.“

I think this is a really common problem. The expectation is that women will work full time (and often earning equal to or more than the dad), but for some reason… the lions share of all domestic things also falls to her and any contribution by the dad is a favour to her or something.

I think at the root of it, the issue is that women are still perceived as being responsible for domestic life and children - solving that is raising our boys to not see that division of labour.

In your personal situation… I have found the only row-free solution is allocating tasks so they know exactly what they are responsible for. And when it goes wrong - biting your tongue and letting them get on with things in their own way.

I also hate it though OP - I did not sign up to be a stay at home wife either, and the imbalance of domestic chores fills me with rage.

Could you show him this thread? Would he just blow up?

If you clear it, you throw it away. If he wants it, he needs to sort it out. Give him a deadline.

This is all harsh stuff. But he's harsh with you. He's lazy and he treats you like a mummy/maid.

Give him a deadline of X to clear the room or it goes to charity. Follow through.

Why should she have to ask? It’s her house too, she earns more. The fact that he is such a selfish cunt it hasn’t occurred to him that this situation is unfair is the issue here.
we had same situation re home office unfairness and it made me realise he just didn’t see me as an equal human being

I'm divorced by the way. And my ex is now useless with his 2nd wife. Rather her than me.

A friend of mine just got divorced- and without minimising at all how hard it was- I’ve visited her in her empty, clean quiet house and it just seems like bliss.

having every second weekend to sleep in, make the house clean to your standards without anyone sullying it, take care of yourself- looks incredible.

Yep. This is what’s known as the mental load problem although someone will be along shortly to tell you its nonsense.

This is the case in the vast majority of relationships where both spouses work.

Its the last frontline of gender equality. Men (mostly) have made peace with their wives working but most of them are deeply resistant to the idea that they should have to think about “women’s work” as the quid pro quo.

What you do will depend upon whether you think you have a chance of making him understand this.

How did the imbalance in office/work space come about?
Did you actually agree to it?