AIBU to want my estate divided equally between all four children?

[Imdefonotmaddona]

I have 4 children
DD 1 and DD2 are mine and my late husbands.
DS2 - was biologically husbands and not mine but he is with me full time.
DD3 is mine with my current DP so the only one who hasn’t got the same dad.

on the passing off my husband everything came to me. I have always been financially independent and the house was paid for by both of us.
he had some money and a life insurance policy.

I am updating my paperwork and that Includes My will to include DD3.

I was discussing this with my best friend and she mentioned that I should seperate and not give equal amounts because some of what they will inherit would be technically my late husbands so should take than in to account for DD3.

I was thinking that It’s now my assets / money and that I should share it equally amongst the 4 children.

what would you do ?

I think you should split it equally between the four of them. Anything else seems mean spirited.

I suspect the stepchild's mother and grandparents are spitting feathers everything was left to you and they know you will now want to share it with an unrelated child.

I would ring fence something for your husband's biological children. When they're old enough I'd explain it was from their father's estate. It doesn't have to be everything their father left you as clearly you're responsible for them now. Possibly a third of whatever he left split between his three children.

Your partner could open a similar account for his child (or you could use your own savings to do the same) so she isn't left out.

Anything left after you pass should be split equally between the four (hopefully adult) offspring.

I've just read a Substack piece from Daisy Goodwin on this. She was one of four children, from two different fathers and a somewhat fractured relationship with her mother (Jocasta Innes). When her mother died, she left Daisy out of the house inheritance because, as noted in the will, "she didn't love her any less but her financial need was less".

It was quite a raw read - Daisy Goodwin had clearly been hugely affected because despite the disclaimer about love, it felt to her like a very clear rejection, and like being loved less. She talks about how once a parent is gone and can no longer express love, a will essentially becomes a huge semi-public declaration of that love, as it's pretty much all you have left of them. It was a fascinating perspective.

It's impossible to totally predict what a child will inherit from their grandparents or even their parents - circumstances can change, money can increase or decrease. So you can twist yourself into knots trying to make everything exactly equal and still end up with it not being so in the end!

A will is the final communication between you and your loved ones. Rightly or wrongly, people perceive it as a statement on how the deceased person felt about them. IMO the only thing you can do, is to send a signal to your children that they were all loved and valued equally by you. I like the idea that what your husband left you was the advanced child support - you are doing the right thing by him and using his and your own money to raise his children. Including the one that technically isn't yours. Maybe he wouldn't be upset at the idea that some of 'his' money is also raising your child that isn't his.

Your dd3 will maybe inherit from her dad/gps, depending on funds. Your husbands dc will maybe inherit from their gps. Who knows? You can't control amounts anyway.
What you can do it signal to your kids that you are mum to them all and send that final message that they were all loved and the same to you.
I think you are doing the cleanest, nicest split. And as someone with siblings, I honestly wouldn't care if mine got something more from elsewhere (like from god parents or relatives they were closer to) because to our parents we are equal and that's what matters.

Yes they will inherit directly from grandparents their fathers share.

I would look at what was left from your dh estate and ring that percentage for your older 3 dc, then split the rest 4 ways. But in all honesty it wasn’t left to your dc from your late husband, he left it to you to spend on bringing up the 3 children which presumably you have done so it’s now your assets and really if you split it 4 ways that’s also acceptable.
where it becomes difficult is that some of the children will inherit from other parents also but is that your concern or should you just do what’s fair for you

I'd be pressing ahead as you have planned, OP, and split the money evenly. Your late husband left you the money- not in trust to the children, but to you- because he probably knew that you'd have a feeling of the right thing to do, whatever that might be. It would be potentially damaging to their future sibling relationships to give one less than the others, I think.
If I was in your late husband's situation, I'd want it to be shared equally. But I also think that this thread is focusing too much on second guessing what he would have wanted, and there's a bit of a tone of "it's his money!" It isn't. It was left to you.
(I'm very sorry for the loss of your DH btw.)

Well as the stepchild’s mother and grandparents aren’t actually raising the boy they can spit feathers all they bloody well like, can’t they?

Probably but they are not the people I worry about.

Will your current DP be splitting his assets between all 4 children. If not then you have your answer.

I disagree with people saying that the inheritance should only go to his children. Presumably OP contributed to the accumulation of that inheritance through raising children, supporting him, contributing towards bills, carrying the household mental load etc. I think she should divide it up as she wishes.

So I would say the house split if we want to go on to amounts would end up
being 25/75
as in he would have contributed 25 percent and I would ( as long as I don’t die young ) 75 percent.

It’s really simple. You divide your former matrimonial home with late DH into two. His children split one half, your children split one half. Any money left over from his life insurance is split three ways. If nothing left, nothing to split.

Your daughter with your DP should not benefit from her siblings father’s death. They should not benefit from your new DP.

Technically, everything you inherited when your husband dies is yours, unless he willed anything to his biological children.

Therefore, you can do just hating you like with your inheritance….it is yours!

Willing your estate equally to all the children is fair and will ensure that no one feels sidelined when you die, no one will feel disadvantaged and this will prevent any ill feeling amongst the siblings surely?

Pay no heed to your friends advice - your money, your choice.

The OP technically only has 3 children. One is her late H, not hers.

It's interesting the children are still only young, all under 16. So realistically their dad's money will have been spent bringing them up, it you did the sums would there actually be anything left in 30 or 40 years when the OP"s Will is needed?

The OP sees herself as having 4 children, currently all the money is hers to distribute. Equally sounds far otherwise it's the formula a PP said as 1/3 for the eldest two and 1/6 for the youngest two.

I kind of agree with your friend to be honest. When your current DP dies surely he will only leave stuff to his biological kids, not your previous kids? So dd3 will have an inheritance coming from there.

That's how I would do it. But I also think if you choose to do it differently that's fine. Ultimately you know your kids and your late dh better than us.

If I died and my money went to dh who then re-married and had another child I would want the money to be split between our children and the new half sibling equally. That's what I would want dh to do because as terrible as it is that I'm dead it's more important he treats all his children equally, I would hope he would marry someone who would also share her wealth equally with my children.

To me that's what's a marriage is, a creation of a new family with you treating each other's children the same as your own.

Many posters are saying the opposite so I guess the question is if this was the other way round and you had died what would you have wanted your dh to do?

I don’t know, I agree with your friend. Unless your DP has a will that includes the other 3 children, if not, I think they should get the share of their fathers estate and then dd3 your equiv share as dd3 is going to inherit from her father and his side of the family I assume. Unless of course like I mentioned DP is going to split his inheritance with the other 3 children too.

So your shared DC will get his full 25% of rhe house plus a fourth of your 75%?
That doesn't seem fair and may very well upset your older 3 DC.

It's not about DSS, who IS your deceased husband's child.

It's about DD3, who is NOT your deceased husband's child.

PP are saying that you have 3 children fathered by your late husband, and THEY should inherit 'his' money in a 3 way split.

DD3 should NOT inherit 'his' money because he's not her father.

ok new question.
if you were DD3 and an adult
would you be annoyed in not getting an equal share although DSS got equal share of mine ?
I want DSS to have a n equal share 100 percent of my money and not questioning that at all but in terms of DD3 would that be an issue ?

This 💯!
It’s got naff all to do with your friend. Do as you see fit.

I think overall splitting it 4 ways is the fairest way.

DS should technically be receiving nothing from you and hour parents, and only the share from his Dad. Given you will be contributing more than the entire share from his Dad he does better out of this set up.

If anything your DD1 and 2 are the ‘worst’ off in this situation as they won’t inherit from anyone outside you and your parents.

However Any inheritance left over after any care you may need in the future etc is a gift and no child should be planning their future on the guarantee of getting it (as there is none).

So if it’s so important for money to follow the family “line”!then surely any inheritance the OP gets from her family shouldn’t go to her late husband’s son?

what she received from her late husband were marital assets, which hopefully will be increased from a range of sources over many years to come. I think she is quite right just to split four ways. Anything else will cause hurt. And you can’t second guess what each child may or may not inherit from other relatives.

No because you have capacity to decide if you want to leave DS money even though you aren’t obliged to. Your previous husband got no say about your youngest.