AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

Oh, he won’t stay with the dog and no baby, he’ll go off and find somebody else that he can manipulate.
No baby, no leverage
This isn’t a choice between the dogs and the man
It’s a choice between the man and everything else. It just starts with the dogs being removed. Then it’ll be something else.

I just couldn’t get used to them I couldn’t stay at his house ever as the dogs would snap at me, I was terrified. For 3 years I tried to get used to them and couldn’t. I was also moderately allergic to the cat and rats and although antihistamines worked i didn’t want to take medication every day for years. It wasn’t a decision taken lightly and was his suggestion.

Plenty of men have children and realise they’re not children people either and spend less than 50 nights a year with their children…

I doubt it was surprise to the boyfriend that OP centred a lot of a life around her dogs when he moved in.

PP mention realising how much their BILs dog was a big part of their life when they wanted to bring it to Christmas (it might have been you but I can’t see from this page!) - you think he could have missed this in the relationship before they got to the stage of living together?

He hasn't taken over my home. We're renting together in a new place. However, I have relocated hours away from family and friends while his life has remained unchanged. The dogs are the only thing that feels like a connection to who I was and made me feel more at home here. I also feel I've sacrificed a lot already.

She has told us that they are large and mixed breeds. She has also said that the mix doesn't include known dangerous breeds. Good enough description I think.

I wouldnt have a baby in a house with 2 xl bullies. She hasnt said the breed just large breed dogs

He isn't a nice guy @Forest28 he is a controlling arse.

He has baited you with the idea of kids and then dangled the dogs as an issue. Imagine what he would be like if he isn't a fan of the kids.

Something needs rehousing, but it isn't the dogs

This is all beginning to sound rather controlling and coercive!

He would happily see you heartbroken by you rehoming your dogs. He'd happily rehome 2 dogs who might not end up together or might end up dying in a centre.

He sounds like the type who, you'd get rid of dogs, have a kid then he would buy a totally unsuitable breed but it's HIS. It'll snap at kid but how dare you suggest he rehomes it.

His whole underlying values are clear by his attitude towards your dogs and simply put, I couldn't carry on a relationship.

The people who would agree to this usually know their dog won't reasonably accept boundaries like no jumping on people or hogging furniture, no stealing or incessant begging. They know their dog is "a lot" so will keep it away from others.

Everytime you update it gets worse. Manipulators rule number one - isolate from friends and family.

Glad your renting - that makes it easier. Go back home asap.

He loves cats and has previously owned many. I don't really get it.

Marriage then babies. Neither of you sound 100% committed to this relationship.

Have you seen any evidence of this?
actually, it doesn’t matter because you don’t have a cat. You have two dogs.

I went for a big, strong breed and small, feeble breed. Substitute St Bernard and cockapoo, or golden retriever and dachshund, or Great Dane and Shih Tzu as you see fit.

But if it were those two breeds, presumably OP knew they were not suitable for children before she got them, or the boyfriend did before he moved in - it’s not a surprise now she a baby might be on the cards.

I would describe myself as extremely pro dogs. I can say, hand on heart that the H in that equation is an absolute wanker. Not a good guy at all as he has obviously completely failed to train his dog and it is behaving in a way that makes his wife utterly miserable. He should not have that dog. I doubt the dog is happy either.

But anyway, I don't understand why anyone would prioritise two animals over the feelings of their partner who they claim to love.

But this is just blackmail - 'if you loved me you would xyz'
Where does it end?

Its not like they were happy together then she got the dogs knowing he wouldn't like it. She's always had the dogs. He knew this. She told him it was non negotiable at the start.

And now he wants to negotiate harass her into getting rid of them.

Doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic. Doesn't seem like any respect for the OP or taking responsibility for his own feelings/life.

If he thought he could handle living with dogs and it turns out he hates it, there's the door.

The OP won't answer questions about the breed or behaviour/training of the dogs which as a dog person, I find quite telling.

Agree, great relationship my arse.

He's just the type to change his mind once the OP is pregnant and really become seriously abusive as he destroys her mental health.

So many threads on MN of women who ignored these huge red flags and the real horror emerges.

Men like this are the very type that weaponise a child with demands of 50/50.

I hope to god OP wakes up fast before she destroys her life.

He should have moved straight back out again. Don't have a baby with him.

Christ, you haven't met the man.

Stop projecting maybe?

Move back.
He has you isolated.

What is it with women moving hours away from everything they know for men?

Madness.

He has longer than her age wise though. He can run down her clock and then just go off and meet someone 10-20 years younger and get his baby.

Arsehole men do that.

Its not about the dogs.

The fact he is putting so much pressure on you and is unwilling to reach a compromise tells you what he thinks of you - not someone to be respected as an equal, whose needs Abx wants have equal value to his but as someone who ought to make all the sacrifices, all the effort so that he has the life he wants.

And so far, he got exactly what he wanted (from your own words, you’ve already sacrificed a lot whereas his life hardle changed)
It just happens that the dogs are the hill you will die on so to speak. The area where you’re not going to compromise.

Im sorry @Forest28 , but he isn’t a good partner/father material.
Imagine him doing that relentless pushing in a few years time. Whether you work or not work, how the feed to baby if you have one, who does the parenting, gettimg up at night, going out, all the things hell have to give up when he becomes a father when he hasn’t been ready to give up on anything so far.

It's the 'only' point of dispute in your relationshp but it is a huge one, on the scale of wanting to live in different parts of the world, or have/not have children together, or invite/not invite an elderly parent to live with you.
It could be a deal breaker unless you can find a compromise. Have you both tried to find one that would work? I guess it would need to be a compromise where he either succeeds in genuinely loving and caring for your dogs or else you put a lot of money into getting them cared for while you are heavily pregnant and looking after a newborn. Eg, dog walkers 3 times a day, plus someone to sort out the poo and do any extra cleaning.
The thing that would bother me is that he wants you to get rid of the dogs before you are pregnant. That sounds like wheeler dealing to get the result he wants rather than genuinely concern about how you will manage when pregnant or caring for a newborn. There is no guarantee you will get pregnantt; he must know that, and then you will have lost your beloved dogs as well as the chance of being a mum.