AIBU to feel frustrated about managing TTC and fertile window sex?

[Laylaxoxo]

Aibu that I’m frustrated my partner is finding it hard to perform whilst we’re ttc? We have one DS, and would like another baby.

If I say I’m in my fertile bit (v briefly) and say let’s have sex apparently that puts him off and he then feels under pressure. So I just have to initiate naturally. It’s only actually been a few times that I’ve even mentioned it, as I am aware it can put them off.

So not only do women have to be pregnant for 9 months, give birth and all the rest but also we have to pretend we’re really h*rny during the fertile window and initiate DTD.

Don’t get me wrong I love DTD, but it feels like women have to orchestrate every aspect.
I’m posting as I can’t really talk about this to anyone but feeling frustrated like I have to keep track of it all and also keep it secret - as I feel chances would be lower than they already are if I didn’t track

Please dont make these sweeping generalisations.

We managed it fine - for your info. Lots of people work full time and have regular sex.

You dont have to have sex daily to get pregnant. Sperm can live for a few days after ejaculation.

Lots of full time couples manage to conceive by just having a sex life that makes them happy and is stress free. It is not a pretense in any way.

I would not really want to have sex with someone, who was clearly not really in the mood for sex and was "pretending to be really horny".

Do you have trouble conceiving? Could you just not track for a few months and see if anything happens that way?

Exactly all of my pregnancies were just lots of fucking. No trying in any sense other than stopping contraception and enjoying our normal sex life.

No charting or let’s fuck because I should be ovulating.

Just our normal sex life even by child number 3.

No, they are actively trying to conceive, but the best way to do that is to have very regular sex rather than putting all the pressure on the supposed fertile window.

The trouble is, he HAS to orgasm if there's to be a possibility of conception. You don't. That means he has to be psychologically engaged and enthusiastic but you really don't. It's just a perk if you orgasm, but conception can still happen. Everyone is different, and for some men the pressure to orgasm can prevent them doing so. It's unfortunate, but your DH can't help it if that is what happens to him. If you want to conceive quickly, you might need to accept this.

I would focus on expecting him to support the later difficult stages of childbearing. Shouldering more of the housework and childcare, or massaging your sore feet, or running out to fetch you freshly squeezed orange juice at 10pm - whatever is important to you. He'll be much more useful at this point.

I dont think all these posts saying do it all month long and forget the fertile window are helpful. Its a scientific fact women are only fertile a few days every month. Sorry you're getting such a hard time on this thread OP! Trying to conceive is really stressful. Biologically though you should actually feel most in the mood on the right days so its notable you have to pretend- perhaps your partner's fragility about this is causing a vicious cycle of stress for you both? Why not talk to him at a calm time (not in that window) and see if you can find a way to share how this is making you feel.

It’s a fact that i had all 4 of my pregnancies without tracking anything.

We all know about fertile windows 🙄.

We also know that stress doesn’t
help.

Her husband/partner is not able to do the deed because of too much pressure - how is that helpful? How is that working out for the
OP?

You don’t ‘have’ to be be pregnant or have a baby or any of that, and if you’re already resentful of your side in this then it’s probably not the right time to be having a baby.

I saw a programme by Professor Robert Winstone,

leading fertility expert, and he said have regular sex all through the month. Couples regularly went to him and said they were having sex when fertile and his immediate advice was lots of sex all month. So I’ll trust his advice.

I think you are getting a few unfair responses here OP. A lot of people don’t understand fertility privilege, by not having to worry about these things.
I sympathize. We are also TTC and my DH was really unwell last week during my fertile window, and while I was of course understanding and sympathetic to him, I couldn’t help feeling privately upset that this months chances is likely gone and every time we miss a window (as age and fertility issues are against us) it feels like a kick in the stomach. We do have sex outside the time though and I try not to tell my DH when I’m ovulating or in the window to lesses the pressure on him.

It’s not “fertility privilege”. It is literally the recommendation of fertility experts. Regular (and I mean very regular, eg minimum 4 times a week) sex throughout the month maximises the prospects of conceiving.

Can someone explain the rationale of the sex every 1-2 days?

Because as someone who’s gotten pregnant easily 3 times (twice only doing it once that month) it sounds really over the top to every do 1-2 days. If you’re already fertile/young/no medical issues etc., that’s completely unnecessary.

Most of that sex has a very low chance of working especially in the luteal phase. Just sounds awful tbh especially if you’ve been TTC for an extended period.

YANBU, trying to hit the fertile window is going to be a chore

Well not everyone finds regular sex an awful chore for one thing

Obviously you don’t need sex for this - but regular, frequent (every 1-2 days) ejaculation helps with sperm quality.

I agree that different approaches are right for different people. For us, the whole random sex thing did not work for many months and we had much better success with tracking (pregnant 1st or 2nd try every time when focussing on fertile window though a few miscarriages).

My husband had exactly the same thing as yours initially. He ended up getting into it, partly due to understanding the reasons behind it more as he read a bit about the fertile window etc and we managed to reframe it as exciting (like ‘sexy week’ and then wait to see if it worked!). Also we tried to make it more fun eg we would book a hotel for a couple of nights, or do something romantic like go on a date that week/try new sex stuff. It ended up being good for our relationship/sex life. So maybe you could try something like this?

It's a mood killer that's for sure. We just stopped contraception, had sex when we felt like it and got pregnant pretty quickly both times.

Because I like sex and odds are that at least one of those times I’ll be fertile.

When we were trying to conceive we had sex 3x a week until we were pregnant .

2-3 x a week is sufficient. I never once tracked ovulation or planned sex around it. I think social media has created the idea that it's the norm for couples ttc to do this. Many don't. Go back a couple of generations and almost no one did.

But also op I too am questioning whether your partner feels ready for a second, this seems a pretty clear signal that he has doubts. How on board is he? Is it possible he agreed or suggested it because he knows it's what you want? Have you spoken with him about his apparent reluctance?

No. Until you were pregnant 😀

I agree with @CocoaTea . All this tracking just makes it a chore and makes it all sound so transactional. It's a mood killer and puts too much pressure on the man.

Just chill and let nature take its course.

Oh god I can’t believe I said that!! 🤦‍♀️

😁