AIBU to end contact with my mum after her outburst?

[Maggiemoon123]

My mum has been very hot and cold towards me my entire life. I didn’t spend a lot of time with her as a child, i was always at a grandparents house during school holidays and weekends; which she seems to forget. She has never been supportive towards me and nothing i do is ever good enough.

im 30 and have 3 children; 10, 8 and 9 months. she has the oldest 2 for tea once a week. The kids enjoy going and i appreciate her having them. She came to pick them up yesterday and my partner just changed baby’s nappy and had left the used nappy on the floor of the living room (that i had just cleaned top to bottom) and took the baby, who is teething and was crying loudly, for a walk. i hadn’t been back into the living room as was getting the kids ready. (if i had, i would of put it in the bin). my mum came in and was talking to the older 2 as i ran upstairs to get a charger for the oldest switch, i heard my mum mutter dirty b*h. i came back down and asked her what she just said and she denied it. i then said, i heard you? and then she went off on a rant, shouting at me about how i’m disgusting, don't look after my children properly, how i shouldn’t be going back to work after maternity and should be focusing on the kids, and a whole lot of other nasty judgemental comments. i told her to get out, i didn’t shout, i just kept repeating it until she left, and she was shouting at me the full way out of the door, in front of my kids and with the neighbours watching.

I am absolutely devastated. I have PND and feel like a failure at the best of times. But i do my best. i had spent the day cleaning, looking after a crying baby, the kids have been out on a walk, to the park, and been playing football in the garden. My mum has made me feel completely useless and failing, over a nappy that had been on the floor for less than 5 minutes, that i didn’t even leave there. My partner has apologised, he said he was just in that much of a rush to get baby out to try settle her that he forgot to pick it up.

In terms of going back to work, i wish i didn’t have to but i have no choice, there are bills that need paid and we absolutely can’t afford them on one income. i’m going back to work 2 days a week, instead of my previous 40hrs. i now feel so guilty for this, but in contrast, she worked full time my entire childhood so i don’t really understand how she can judge me for going back to work.

This isn’t the first time she has spoken to me this way, and to be honest this is one of the tamer arguments. She has said some very nasty things in the past and i have never had an apology, so i don’t expect one now. I don’t feel i can carry on my relationship with her anymore. I feel like i try my absolute best, i don’t drink, i don’t go on nights out, my world revolves around my children. My house is by no means spotless, i have 3 children, and it could a touch of paint here and there, but it is clean, normal home.

Sorry for the ramble, i just needed to get it all off my chest. I’m never going to be good enough for her, and that hurts. As a mother, i can never imagine purposefully making my kids feel this way. Has anyone else had to deal with this?

The last time my “D”M spoke to/about me with disgust I went no contact, after years and years of putting up with her and her batshit views. The relief was palpable. I allowed DD to have her own relationship with her but I was done. It’s been a couple of years and DD doesn't want to spend time with her any more because she’s realised she’s a poisonous person who doesn’t hesitate to drip venom about everything and everyone who she chooses to judge. I allowed contact hoping that she’d be a decent grandmother at least. I was wrong there too. It’s up to you OP, I just wanted to give my experience of letting the older kids continue a relationship.

All the above. Who talks to or about their daughter that way? I am not a tidy person and my mum would never have called me names like that although I know she'd have liked a super neat child!

She has never been supportive towards me and nothing i do is ever good enough

This is key. She could be like this with your kids at any moment. Step away for all of your sakes.

It's telling and horrible that her reaction was to say that instead of think "Oops, they've clearly just dropped this, I'll stick it in the bin."

Hello OP, I just want to say that you sound like a lovely mum who is doing a great job, especially when you have PND.

There is no way on God’s green earth that a loving mum should ever call you what you mother called you. It was disgusting of her to ever call you that word and you do not deserve it.

if you were my daughter, (I’ve got two sons and the same would apply to them / their future partners ) I would have just picked up the nappy, put it in the bin and thought nothing of it, and would never have even mentioned it. Then I would have made us both a cup of tea and asked if you needed anything (in a nice way) and helped with whatever you needed.

That is what any normal mum would do . I’m guessing that your mum has been terrible to you over the years and you have been conditioned by her into accepting her abuse (which is not your fault by the way).

Be strong now , if it was me I’d ignore her now. Let her stew for a bit. If she calls, choose whether you want to speak to her or not. If you do and she starts screaming at you, tell her you are not going to accept being screamed at and hang up. Repeat until she talks to you in a civil manor.

Take the power back from her. You do not have to engage unless you want to, when and if you are ready. If she turns up at the house, it is your choice as to whether you let her in or not. If she keeps knocking or shouts from outside, tell her to come back once she’s calmed down, or to leave you alone and you will call her when and if you want to. If she carries on, warn her that if she continues, you’ll call the police. If she carries on after that, call them.

She needs to understand that abusive language is unacceptable and you are not going to take it anymore.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. Carry on being you, you are a great role model for your children going back to work and you are not alone xx

Wtf? Are you the mum? Bloody hell...

I suggest you first review your childcare arrangements so that you are not dependant on DM for childcare. I'm assuming the two nights kids are over for tea at hers are your working days?

I'd pull away from her and reorganise childcare so you don't depend on her.

💐😔 I know how hard it is having a mother like this. They can't do kindness or accountability.

At least read the OP properly before you post drivel

Agree. Wise words for many on here!

like the others what i was trying to say (badly, clearly) is that the mum was out of order and her behaviour was not normal. it shouldn’t have happened. it was an over reaction about a dirty nappy left by someone else. there was no need to say anything, it was no big deal.

obviously the mum was horrible to the op. the mum shouldn’t have been cussing the op at all and not in front of children, none of it would have happened if the mum said nothing and not over reacted about something unimportant.

You are a good mum and a good person. I think your mum might've been talking to her past self! Everyone goes back to work these days.

Don't see her until you feel like it but no need to make any long term drastic decisions until you're feeling a bit less post natal and all over the place. It doesn't have to be all or nothing and while she is imperfect (to put it mildly) having the older kids once a week is useful to you. Lots of us are dealing with less than perfect human beings as parents and while it would be lovely to have the kind of parents who are unconditionally nice to you (imagine!) you can at least get some positive things from the one you've got.

Any normal person who cared for you would've helped by picking it up for you and putting it in the bin.

Agree with others ,i would have just put it in the bin like any normal person would .

So your solution to OP’s DM insulting her is… that OP should have insulted her own DP as well and simply shrugged it off? And you end that all by implying that OP not tolerating her mother’s insults and ranting at her might somehow be related to her hormones and PND? are you OP’s DM??

My dm was so judgey and critical she flounced from my home in 2000 and I didn't hear from her until I contacted her in 2010!! She hadn't changed. Haven't seen her since 2012 and that def won't change. And none of my dc have seen her either.

There’s no chance she’d be looking after my children unsupervised again. If she’s saying that in your home, what is she saying when there is no chance of being overheard. Shouting at you in front of your children is an absolute no too. You are being entirely reasonable.

Also - who cares if there was a nappy on the floor? You have three children!

“insulting dp”? by saying swine. now youre over reacting!

all im trying to say is that dp left a dirty nappy. big deal. it’s dirty. it shouldn’t be there. but these things happen. it really isn’t a big deal. it’s a little nappy. put it in the bin. it’s unimportant. the mum shouldn’t have mentioned it. her quietly putting it in the bin would have been more helpful.

i only mentioned hormones being awful as i suffer from mine. it wasn’t meant to be offensive op. apologies if i said it wrong. i genuinely hope you can get them fixed. it’s in a different paragraph but it wasn’t meant to be run on from the previous one. sounds like shes always been horrible. your hormones are nothing to do with your mum being horrible to you. you dont deserve that.

Her being upset with the nappy is so ridiculous. I’m assuming it was contained in a nappy sac?? We always change our baby upstairs in our bedroom and as our baby likes to be held constantly sometimes we do just leave the nappy sac there until we have a free hand to take it to the bin!! It’s no indication of dirtiness at all, we’re very clean… it’s just practicalities.

i only mentioned hormones being awful as i suffer from mine. it wasn’t meant to be offensive op. apologies if i said it wrong. i genuinely hope you can get them fixed. it’s in a different paragraph but it wasn’t meant to be run on from the previous one. sounds like shes always been horrible. your hormones are nothing to do with your mum being horrible to you. you dont deserve that.

fair enough, I understand that you did not mean to imply that OP was simply upset due to being hormonal. And I am sorry that you’re suffering.

I do agree that the nappy should not have been a big deal. But OP’s DM made it a big deal when decided to insult her own DD, go on a tirade etc.

It wasn’t OP’s responsibility to diffuse that situation by call her DP a “swine” (which I would find insulting in that context) and she is justifiably upset at her mother.

It’s the lack of respect for you working to support the family that would annoy me most. I always worked but there was an undercurrent of criticism of that from various extended family members that in the long-term was really undermining of the relationship with my kids. Some women who had the privilege of not working don’t understand that this is an economic necessity these days. In my case it was treated as if it was a “hobby” or “something I was doing for fun”. The kids absorbed this. The truth is I was the main earner and we could not manage without my income!

At least when my marriage ended I could still provide for them. The trouble is the disrespect for my contribution made the DC think I was somehow working to get away with them. Not at all. I was devoted to them.

I'm child free but have massive empathy for parents who I appreciate are dealing with a lot and I think it's so unfair when ppl get judged like this. I've got massive respect for you juggling so much and these things happen! My attitude is, you go into someone's house and they've got little ones, you've got to be realistic, it's not gonna look like a showroom with little ones running around. She should have binned it and moved on. Life happens and a good mum would absolutely not speak to you like that. I have firm boundaries on no name calling in arguments - tell her your home is a place of respect and she has no place there til she can stick to this, especially in front of the kids. Shame on her speaking to you like this & I hope you're ok xx

I don’t understand why you would allow this vile woman anywhere near your family.

She sounds toxic.

My mother would have picked up the nappy and put it in the bin without saying a word. As would I and any other normal person.

Your children will be taking this all in, and may assume that it’s ok to treat and speak to people this way unless you prevent this.

Simply stop allowing it.

No, no OP didn’t over react. The mother sounds insufferable! OP has stated her mother is always like this and this is only one of many times that she has blown up! So OP is supposed to just shrug off and deflect every time? Nope, the mother can fk right off in my opinion. Absolutely no way would I have someone call me a ‘dirty bitch’ and speak to me like that in front of my children, also whilst yelling so my neighbours can hear. Mum should get some respect.

As for how many children OP has, and her returning to work. We don’t know their financial situation other than she has to return to work, who don’t?! There’s not many households who can survive on 1 income. I had to go back, I didn’t want too. Doesn’t mean that I couldn’t afford my kids and that I have no right to feel a little sad about it.

I don't think she's got a leg to stand on. She wasn't a present mother to you, taking any opportunity to send you to your grandparents, so she was free of you. Your relationship isn't based on truth. She needs telling that.

Leave yourself some time to cool off and see how you feel. Regardless of the final outcome though, I think she'd benefit from hearing a few home truths.

If my mum spoke to me like that, I wouldn't see her again, it's that simple. She is not a nice person, she has treated you badly before, don't keep going back for more.