to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

[teaandaflorentineplease]

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP I can see you’re studiously avoiding the question of what you’ll do if your child wants to go to school. Will you dig your heels and and say “no, you’re not going to school where you can play with your local friends. You’re staying at home with me whether you like it or not, and the people you socialise with will just be the other HE kids that I choose”?

@teaandaflorentineplease perhaps you don’t mean it, but your description of what you imagine teaching a class of 20 (well it would likely be 30 in most schools) children in a Reception class is like is heavily laced with judgement and apparent distaste for other people’s children. The comments about swiping like it’s an iPad, not having had breakfast, children with SEN being forced into the classroom…. Etc etc. All that needs to be said is that teaching a class of 20 to 30 children, of whatever background, is not the same skill set as home educating your own one child.

As parent to an autistic child who burned out of school entirly, and is currently flexi schooled, I do think the school system needs a lot of changes.

However, home schooling just cannot replicate the massive number of opportunities to try new things that a school can. It is good for children to try things they don't want to or wouldnt usually consider.

As just one minor example my 9 year old this year has done blocks of hockey, rugby, lacrosse, athletics, bikeability, cricket and football. Some directly led by school, some by local active sports, some in partnership with the high school. Unless you joined a whole host of clubs that's not realistic for home schooling and it's good for them to try things they wouldnt have though of joining a club for.

Another thing is that teaching your own child is much harder than teaching someone else's. Ask any lockdown parent how much they enjoyed home learning 🤣

I guess if you're rich and can manage loads of clubs including all the hands on stuff like science etc it might work.

But at age 1 you have no clue whether your child will have learning difficulties or behavioural issues or other barriers to learning.

Nope I think Home Ed can be a wonderful path for some families and the right one, unfortunately some parents seem to think it makes them superior to others.

Yes it’s true that if you send your child to school you’re rendered completely unable to learn about and explore topics they might be interested in.

I didn’t say that though. I was responding to a point where that said that HE is an echo chamber because my child will be limited to what I know. I assume most parents learn alongside their child and explore their interests whether HE or school educated. It’s not something I’m full of myself about anymore than I’m smug I have my child breakfast this morning.

What you are working 4 or 5 days a week npw whilst presumably paying for childcare so you can stay home when they are 4 ? Do you have any knowledge of child development ? This is completly backwards

I hope you’ll also teach your child how to work hard and apply themselves to subjects they aren’t necessarily interested or excited by as that’s an essential skill which isn’t taught if the learning is all focused on the children’s interests.

or maybe, in AIBU you will find better than a sound board encouraging you in your mistaken views, and facts from parents/ teachers with a real experience of schools?

A false vision of formal schools is not supportive or helpful, it's just a silly one.

If you haven't asked for their advice and it's not like you've started home ed and they can see you struggling, then your friends should keep their opinion to themselves. However it might be worth reassuring them if you haven't already that you've made a choice based on what you currently believe will be best for your child. You aren't rejecting them or saying that schools or the people working in them are inherently terrible, just that right now you don't feel it's for you.

Fwiw, I am a teaching assistant and often talk at home about how stressful schools can be, the effect of budget cuts, workload and behaviour issues but that's just me complaining about work. Same as if I worked almost anywhere else. Everyone has things about work they will moan about at home. Despite my complaints about my day, I still think school the better option for education for the majority of children and would defend it over home ed if actually asked.

Actually, legally home education is the default. It's the parents' duty to secure education of children of compulsory school age.

"Compulsory education

Duty of parents to secure education of children of compulsory school age.
The parent of every child of compulsory school age shall cause him to receive efficient full-time education suitable—
(a)to his age, ability and aptitude, and

(b)to any special educational needs [F1(in the case of a child who is in the area of a local authority in England) or additional learning needs (in the case of a child who is in the area of a local authority in Wales)] he may have,

either by regular attendance at school or otherwise."

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1996/56/part/I/chapter/I/crossheading/compulsory-education

There’s no way I could stand in front of a class of 20 4/5 year olds and teach them to read

That’s not how we teach reading. Children learn through phonics schemes and are placed in appropriate groups for their abilities. At least know what you’re rejecting before you reject it.

In Year 1, there’s still a lot of play and learning through play, which is something else you’ve misunderstood. There’s also a lot of small group work, where the teacher works with 1 to 6 children approx.

The reason your teacher friends are being negative is probably because they know how hard it is to go through teacher training, to impart knowledge to children, etc. You can read, you can write, and I’m sure you’re very knowledgable, but a) teaching children is far, far more than that; and b) teaching your own child can be very difficult.

More than that, you’re not taking into account your child as an individual. Perhaps they’ll love the play and sociability of primary school? Perhaps they’ll beg you to let them go? Perhaps they’ll be recalcitrant and do nothing at home, foiling all your educational plans?

It’s just weird to make such a decision so early before you know what’s best for your child as an individual.

And from this thread some people think that school educating their children makes them superior parents to home educators. I imagine most people are just trying to make the best decisions they can for their children and not stacking themselves up against other parents. I don’t think schools are bad or prisons. But I do think play based education is important for longer than the current system allows for and I’m in a fortunate position where I’m able to HE to allow that for my child. That doesn’t make me smug or superior.

@Mixerfixer you know what I mean. You’re being deliberately obtuse. School is what the majority of people do, so in most people’s minds it’s the default. But of course you knew that. You’re just picking a fight!

@teaandaflorentineplease but what if your child wants to go to school? Will you refuse?

Home education is very trendy right now and there are a lot of assertions online as to how great it is for kids because schools are authoritarian prisons etc

What we DON’T know is the outcome of a large cross section of children for whom their ‘education’ consisted of basic reading and writing books, ‘nature walks’ and trips to the seaside.

I’m dreading whatever expensive correctional services the country will have to provide tbh

Just because you’re cleverer than a 5 year old, it doesn’t mean you can teach them.

OP, I have found all my teacher friends get very defensive when home education comes up, but also private schools too. We don't home educate, I would be awful at it! But we have used private schools as well as state because of how poor some state schools are. Despite the poor schools being poor in exactly the way my teacher friends lament the state of education, they were still up in arms when we opted out. I robustly countered their complaints about our choices. We have remained friends.

I think you just need to tell them it's not their choice and they need to shut up about it. If you want to go into it more you can point out that you've looked into it. You've heard their criticisms of schools and the criticisms of home education, that you've got a plan you think is going to be best for your DC because of X, Y and Z, that you have plans for A, B and C, and no, while you think teachers in schools work hard and do an incredible job, you don't think current state infant years are the best place for DC that age.

Of course teachers admit school doesn’t work for everyone. We work with children every day. We don’t spend that time ignoring children and their needs. We try our best to meet them.

The op knows their own child. Yes. Children change massively between the age of 1 and 4. I’m a lowly teacher and even I know that!

I’m working three days per week now and considering increasing that over the next few years but haven’t committed to anything yet. Nursery has been a real positive for my child. I know it’s not the typical pattern, but it’s working for us. I feel confident in nursery in a way I don’t in the local school.

What positives have you seen from nursery?

Your dc may want that though?
Mine was in a free flow reception with a lovely outdoor space but opted to spend most of her time in reading corner. She made a story booklet (about a pig) in September in reception class I remember her teacher commented she just wants to ‘write’. My dc is at university now and can remember not wanting to mess in the sand etc, it was much nicer with her friend A in the reading corner. Both continued as academic school loving girls, A is now at Oxford. Mine loved yr1.

Op. Could it be that the thought of an extended break from work is incredibly appealing and has pushed you towards this decision? As a working mum I understand the pull to my children when I head off to work each morning.

My cousin's wife decided to home ed in February. Since then she has posted a video about it every single day to Facebook. All about her perfect marriage, perfect parenting, perfect kids... it's like one big photo op for her life coach business with the kids as props.

I don't want to unfollow her as she is family but it is pretty trying!

Good chance you'll change your mind when experiencing toddler years.

I HE for a year, through necessity. It's not as simple as the things they want to learn are easy to teach. It affects the parent / child relationship. Some children thrive with routine and social aspects of school. All of mine absolutely love school and while the didn't hate HE it was very clearly not the best option for them.

The fact that youve decided whats best for your kid while they are still 1yo leads me to believe this is about what you want rather than what is best for the child.

Work as little as possible for the first 3 years of your child's life. Its so important. Decide about school later.

Your child is still a baby and your making drama out of a empty room you still have four years!

Is the difference that you’re paying for nursery privately and you were able to choose any nursery that you wanted? Whereas state schooling is not something that you have the level of control over that you do with a private nursery? You may not even get one of your three (or more) preferences.