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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think children are kinder now than in the 80s/90s

192 replies

Bedheadbeachbum · 28/05/2026 20:24

As a parent often I see children being kind and inclusive - or even just tolerant of other children they don't know - at play parks, theme parks, parties etc.

I was a child in the 80s/90s & my brother and I remember vividly how mean other kids used to be if you didn't know them or were established 'friends' at school etc. Or just plain picky and 'I'm not going to talk to you'. It was a pattern that ran across our childhoods & I can't believe it was just us. We lived in the south east.

I often see the opposite now. Only today, both my children on separate occasions were included by others when playing in the same area at a theme park by kids they'd just met.

I'm wondering why? Are we parenting differently & supervising our children more? Putting more emphasis on being kind? Are kids TV and films kinder & more good natured now & having an influence? (when I show my kids some of our old shows I think they are questionable by today's standards).

OP posts:
likelysuspect · 30/05/2026 12:50

Interestingly, there are often threads (and theres one now) about how children may be shunned if they live in a crappy house (or what is considered a small, poor, cramped house)

BertieBotts · 30/05/2026 13:31

I agree that it is better overall. I think "gentle parenting", despite the mockery, is to thank for this. Not the extremely silly version which is stereotyped and stretched out by algorithms to be ever more extreme, but the more general shift away from the way parenting in previous generations essentially had a foundation of force and power dynamics holding it up, where the idea was that children start out as feral beasts and the parent's job is to control them and rid them of these more feral habits, in the hope they will become fairly rounded adults, to the more modern understanding that parents teach and guide their children, and that the process of growing up is one of acquiring and refining skills.

I think with the older mindset the whole process of discipline and learning how to behave was much more combative and rooted in who has the power/who is in charge, and that then plays out in the way that children interact with each other. Also when their mistakes are treated as signs of their uncivilised nature, it models a kind of harshness where mistakes aren't tolerated because they are a sign that there is something bad about you. That models using the same judgemental attitude against others.

OTOH the modelling of a more modern parenting approach is much more empathetic and understanding, and that filters through to children. I've seen it myself with my own children or by observing what happens. There are people who work professionally with children/teachers who promote the newer approaches to behaviour management e.g. in schools and they have plenty of observational evidence to report that when a school or a teacher shifts to using the newer methods you see interactions within the classroom shift. Children are less likely to retaliate when they feel hard done by other pupils, but instead to take a more empathetic/understanding approach (often mimicking the exact language used in the intervention by the adults).

I don't think that the existence of online bullying means this isn't true, because in any shift none of it is perfect or 100% at once. There are always going to be individual parents who don't make the shift, individual children for whom it doesn't make a difference, and countless parents/children in the middle because realistically most parents use aspects of both parenting approaches, sometimes encouraging/guiding/teaching, sometimes pulling rank or entering a power struggle, and in fact it's probably always been that way (with a mix) but I do think there has been a general societal shift away from power and control models of parenting towards more of a mentor/helping role. I think it's the majority tipping towards what we see as a more modern/enlightened way which has led to the shift in face-to-face interactions. The fact that online bullying still exists doesn't mean that there hasn't been a shift at all because it could be that a smaller minority of children are engaging in this and doing so more out of sight or in an anonymous way, because it is less acceptable to do so openly.

I agree with posters saying that if 70s/80s children had had access to the internet and social media, they would have been used for online bullying just as some children use them today. And with the "it would have been worse" comments I guess people mean it would be the same as it is today but more children might have engaged in it, or victims might have felt unable to speak to adults about it for fear of getting into trouble. I know those things happen now, but I do think modern parenting tends more towards a relationship where children feel more able to be open with their parents vs a more punitive/judgemental style where children perhaps were more likely to hide things for fear of getting into trouble.

I do think the internet can have positives even in the context of online bullying - I feel like in the past if you were any kind of minority, whether that is a racial minority, sexuality, dyslexic, diabetic, etc and you were the only person you knew in your school with that minority characteristic, it could feel really lonely and online communities can be really supportive for this kind of thing. Even MN was like this for me, when I was a new mum I barely knew anybody with children.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 30/05/2026 15:35

Clearly everyone has a different experience. We are all comparing our personal experiences to our children's. It can depend on the school, on the area and just the good or bad luck of having a nasty kid in the class.

@77744ftd I think you were rude earlier to @SapphireSteel28, you clearly have different experiences and that doesn't give you the right to belittle her because her experience doesn't align with yours.

Bedheadbeachbum · 30/05/2026 16:57

BertieBotts · 30/05/2026 13:31

I agree that it is better overall. I think "gentle parenting", despite the mockery, is to thank for this. Not the extremely silly version which is stereotyped and stretched out by algorithms to be ever more extreme, but the more general shift away from the way parenting in previous generations essentially had a foundation of force and power dynamics holding it up, where the idea was that children start out as feral beasts and the parent's job is to control them and rid them of these more feral habits, in the hope they will become fairly rounded adults, to the more modern understanding that parents teach and guide their children, and that the process of growing up is one of acquiring and refining skills.

I think with the older mindset the whole process of discipline and learning how to behave was much more combative and rooted in who has the power/who is in charge, and that then plays out in the way that children interact with each other. Also when their mistakes are treated as signs of their uncivilised nature, it models a kind of harshness where mistakes aren't tolerated because they are a sign that there is something bad about you. That models using the same judgemental attitude against others.

OTOH the modelling of a more modern parenting approach is much more empathetic and understanding, and that filters through to children. I've seen it myself with my own children or by observing what happens. There are people who work professionally with children/teachers who promote the newer approaches to behaviour management e.g. in schools and they have plenty of observational evidence to report that when a school or a teacher shifts to using the newer methods you see interactions within the classroom shift. Children are less likely to retaliate when they feel hard done by other pupils, but instead to take a more empathetic/understanding approach (often mimicking the exact language used in the intervention by the adults).

I don't think that the existence of online bullying means this isn't true, because in any shift none of it is perfect or 100% at once. There are always going to be individual parents who don't make the shift, individual children for whom it doesn't make a difference, and countless parents/children in the middle because realistically most parents use aspects of both parenting approaches, sometimes encouraging/guiding/teaching, sometimes pulling rank or entering a power struggle, and in fact it's probably always been that way (with a mix) but I do think there has been a general societal shift away from power and control models of parenting towards more of a mentor/helping role. I think it's the majority tipping towards what we see as a more modern/enlightened way which has led to the shift in face-to-face interactions. The fact that online bullying still exists doesn't mean that there hasn't been a shift at all because it could be that a smaller minority of children are engaging in this and doing so more out of sight or in an anonymous way, because it is less acceptable to do so openly.

I agree with posters saying that if 70s/80s children had had access to the internet and social media, they would have been used for online bullying just as some children use them today. And with the "it would have been worse" comments I guess people mean it would be the same as it is today but more children might have engaged in it, or victims might have felt unable to speak to adults about it for fear of getting into trouble. I know those things happen now, but I do think modern parenting tends more towards a relationship where children feel more able to be open with their parents vs a more punitive/judgemental style where children perhaps were more likely to hide things for fear of getting into trouble.

I do think the internet can have positives even in the context of online bullying - I feel like in the past if you were any kind of minority, whether that is a racial minority, sexuality, dyslexic, diabetic, etc and you were the only person you knew in your school with that minority characteristic, it could feel really lonely and online communities can be really supportive for this kind of thing. Even MN was like this for me, when I was a new mum I barely knew anybody with children.

Thank you for this thoughtful post.

OP posts:
ImthatBoleyngirl · 30/05/2026 17:39

ChalkOutlines · 30/05/2026 07:21

Because teenage boys are much nicer right?

According to my 12 year old DS they are. He is gobsmacked by some of the girls attitudes. He thinks they're bonkers! I'm sure it will change as he gets older though. There is one exception which is a lad who identifies as a cat who hisses and scratches them. They aren't impressed with him!

Hatty65 · 30/05/2026 20:22

likelysuspect · 30/05/2026 07:32

I thought teachers were leaving in droves due to children's behaviour?

No, teachers are mostly leaving in droves because of the ridiculous workload pressures and exhaustion.

Teachers rarely leave because of kids behaviour. It's a long way down the list of reasons for getting out.

Gillygallygosh123 · 31/05/2026 00:08

Bedheadbeachbum

There's an active thread on parenting which will quickly show you that nasty behaviour is still rife in this day and age. Bullying is also encouraged if it's deemed socially acceptable

Bedheadbeachbum · 02/06/2026 15:59

Thanks everyone for voting, more split than I thought it would be.

Perhaps a lot of posters have older children and are seeing the mean teen years when children get more complicated.

Glad to hear some are agreeing though including teachers.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 04/06/2026 09:14

Interesting video from US teacher of 30 years' experience about the end of 'the cool kids', think it might ring true in UK equivalents as well

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNR7vyLt7/

TikTok - Make Your Day

https://www.tiktok.com/@gibsonishere/video/7647202986845867277?_r=1&_t=ZN-96vOzu0Pv2g

Hatty65 · 04/06/2026 18:03

Echobelly · 04/06/2026 09:14

Interesting video from US teacher of 30 years' experience about the end of 'the cool kids', think it might ring true in UK equivalents as well

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNR7vyLt7/

Absolutely not my experience as a UK teacher of 30 years. Does not ring true at all.

Kids here came back from the pandemic (if they came back) really damaged. MH is through the floor, lots of them couldn't cope with school again. They came back having missed out on a lot of socialisation and having had far too much time on social media.

They came back wrapped up in themselves and prepared to be horrible on SM to any other kids. There are still the 'mean girls' in school and the bullying is underground and awful, making others almost suicidal whilst the mean ones look wide eyed at staff, pretending to be Disney princesses and the sweetest people ever. They make 'OMG, but I've only ever been kind to her, I've always felt so sorry for her' noises. Fake, fake, kindness and all on the surface.

I do not recognise her version of events at all.

Corianda · 04/06/2026 20:41

Hatty65 · 04/06/2026 18:03

Absolutely not my experience as a UK teacher of 30 years. Does not ring true at all.

Kids here came back from the pandemic (if they came back) really damaged. MH is through the floor, lots of them couldn't cope with school again. They came back having missed out on a lot of socialisation and having had far too much time on social media.

They came back wrapped up in themselves and prepared to be horrible on SM to any other kids. There are still the 'mean girls' in school and the bullying is underground and awful, making others almost suicidal whilst the mean ones look wide eyed at staff, pretending to be Disney princesses and the sweetest people ever. They make 'OMG, but I've only ever been kind to her, I've always felt so sorry for her' noises. Fake, fake, kindness and all on the surface.

I do not recognise her version of events at all.

Can’t you call out the mean girls by looking at what messages are sent to the bullied girl on her phone?

GardenCovent · 04/06/2026 21:16

I think children are more educated on how their actions could affect others now but now bullying is far more underhand and not confined to school/being out and about.
Yes when I was younger you had to stick up for yourself but you were safe at home. Unfortunately DC’s now don’t have that luxury

Hatty65 · 05/06/2026 15:58

Corianda · 04/06/2026 20:41

Can’t you call out the mean girls by looking at what messages are sent to the bullied girl on her phone?

They do it over Snapchat and messages disappear. Believe me, schools are really, really trying to stop bullying but it has got worse and worse with online SM.

Also, teachers have limited ability in what they can do in comments made 'after hours'. What sanctions do you think we can apply to a pupil who sent a midnight message saying someone else was a fat bitch?

But it is miserable to be on the receiving end.

ObelixtheGaul · 07/06/2026 10:19

Bollixtothat · 30/05/2026 11:41

I disagree. Children are too quick to say exactly what they think nowadays. In the 80’s kids may have thought it but they didn’t voice everything. Kids are cruel today and social media makes it much easier.

Oh yes they did. And nobody stepped in to stop it, either. As I said before, it wasn't uncommon for the adults to join in.

I was there, in the 80s. The things kids got away with, with adults present is hard to imagine now. 'Spastic' and 'Homo' were common insults. As was comment on somebody's size and appearance. The adults, far from stopping the kids, often joined in. I experienced mocking over my appearance from teachers, myself.
It was acceptable to call kids 'stupid' if they struggled in a subject (which I did). I remember, in maths, another child doing that horrible hand-waving, tongue in cheek and saying 'durrr' thing kids used to do at me when I got something wrong. Teacher saw it, said nothing. How could he, he'd just told the class how stupid I was...

MargeryBargery · 07/06/2026 10:38

Teacher of 35 years here and my honest answer is no.
Kids do have a certain level of emotional intelligence that we didn't have in the 80's.
Parenting, teaching and society have all changed for the better in this respect.

But are children intrinsically kinder than previous generations? Not at all.
Parents these days are far (and I mean FAR) more intolerant of other children's behaviour and that is reflected in the day to day experience in school.
You can see on these boards, there's constant posting complaining about a classmates behaviour (sometimes raging about infant age children) there's also many posts criticising teacher's actions, and all of this by parents who are not present in the classroom but will be instantly ready to escalate their complaints.
So in today's climate, maybe there is a superficial kindness or inclusion, but bullying, exclusion, intolerance and nastiness are all there as they were before and in no way shape or form are kids actually any "nicer" than they were 40 years ago.

Kids are kids and their sometime bad behaviour is part of life, part of the learning process. It's no worse than before, but you're all seriously kidding yourselves if you think it's better.

Hellohelga · 07/06/2026 10:44

And adults are less kind than in the past. How can that be? What happens to them growing up?

BertieBotts · 07/06/2026 11:13

Hellohelga · 07/06/2026 10:44

And adults are less kind than in the past. How can that be? What happens to them growing up?

Adults are vastly more polarised than in the past, which activates a kind of tribal instinct based on fear. We're increasingly seeing individual versions of the truth/reality which paints some group as "other".

I think that is completely separate from what is happening with children.

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