To think children are kinder now than in the 80s/90s

[Bedheadbeachbum]

As a parent often I see children being kind and inclusive - or even just tolerant of other children they don't know - at play parks, theme parks, parties etc.

I was a child in the 80s/90s & my brother and I remember vividly how mean other kids used to be if you didn't know them or were established 'friends' at school etc. Or just plain picky and 'I'm not going to talk to you'. It was a pattern that ran across our childhoods & I can't believe it was just us. We lived in the south east.

I often see the opposite now. Only today, both my children on separate occasions were included by others when playing in the same area at a theme park by kids they'd just met.

I'm wondering why? Are we parenting differently & supervising our children more? Putting more emphasis on being kind? Are kids TV and films kinder & more good natured now & having an influence? (when I show my kids some of our old shows I think they are questionable by today's standards).

You were Thatcher’s children. Literally. You were raised in an environment that was very much winners and losers mentality. Where people became very consumer focused and conspicuously so. For some. People aspiring to be to be a have and not a have not. And this was not just the South. Money talked. There was a perception that you had to be rude or walk over other people to be successful.
Some parts of the country I realise were not doing this !
But in terms of parenting you had children very much encouraged to decide what they wanted to eat, dress in, do. And thought they could, no, should call the shots about everything.
A huge change from the way the parents had been raised themselves. And behaviours sometimes became spiky as a result.
I recall my parents coming back from a meal out with their DGC and appalled at their behaviour. But even more appalled that their parents had said nothing.

I think that primary school kids are brow-beaten into appearing kind but once they get to secondary school, all the old nastiness is there. Plus additional weapons. DS's secondary school is a zoo. It's survival of the fittest. Also on the streets, park etc in the evening and on social media.

Not what data, education specialists and those with kids in minority groups are saying let alone those on the end of misogynistic abuse and sexual harassment.

😆re buddy benches, they are like wallpaper.

Yes that's true. My mum hit me a lot and I remember me and my sister having physical fights. I've never hit mine and they haven't fought like that

Dd has gone through a Comp and now at uni and never had meaness about having red hair. I remember people being quite nasty about it in the 80s. Doesn't seem to be a bullying target among young people any more

It was Alicia, not Janet - She was at St Clare’s - and I don’t think we were meant to like her, at least not until she gets a come uppance of sorts in the Upper Fourth. There’s a bit in the second book about how the teachers, although they privately enjoyed Alicia’s jokes and tricks, hate her sharp tongue and her hardheartedness, and say that in later life she’ll get a lot of admiration from others but no real love or affection.

I'm not a parent and I don't know my friends kids, but I've heard many parents say this. It's really heartening.

I am not so sure. I see kids being less openly unpleasant. But i see quite a lot of sneaky/manipulative behaviour, hidden unpleasantness, that can be done in ways harder for adults to spot & correct. I try really hard to watch out for this in my kids and call them out on it.

If you think the 80’s were violent you didn’t experience the 1970’s. No comparison whatsoever.

I was born in 71.

Interesting post, 80's child here, my parents could be quite rude and judgmental about people including other kids and were quite open with us about it, I would say they were racist although they would be horrified to be called that. I was definitely brought up to believe all the sterotypical boys should like blue and girls pink etc and almost we were better than certain people. These actions obviously rubbed onto us as kids, I don't think it was intentional but just seemed more normal then. I as a parent am very conscious about not influencing my children in this way and teaching them to be kind and that everyone should be included and we're not all the same but we're all equal. This is just speaking for myself but I do think this has been the general shift in parenting which has made children more kind and less discriminatory.

I’m sorry you experienced that. I experienced bullying by ostracisation too at primary school in the 70s. We had a pair of toxic twin girls in the class who split the class into rival gangs and neither of them wanted me. There was one girl who kept me company sometimes but she would just as often go off to her gang. Then at secondary school I actually made friends with some girls, but was subjected to continuous verbal abuse from two of the boys in my class. So much for school days being the happiest days of your life!

Well of course it’s got better and better through the decades. I mean it was worse in Victorian times 😂 but that doesn’t mean the 80s wasn’t violent compared to today

I can completely understand needing some sort of time to recover but is not working for the next 70 years of life due to bullying an option?

I was a tween and teenager in the 80s.

My experience was there was none of today’s faux overly sweet and unnecessary “kindness”, that confuses children. Teasing was normal, negative feedback wasn’t completely avoided, praise from peers was not excessive giving children unrealistic expectations of real life, and every unpleasant interaction was not blown up as “harmful”.

Much that went on in the 80s would be considered “bullying” by today’s standards, but most children were raised to be more resilient and able to deal with and/or ignore it.

Teen suicides peaked in the 80s

I don’t think they are, no.

I feel the opposite - during the 80s once we got to secondary school my sister and I both experienced far less bullying and unkindness than at primary school. By secondary school people seemed to have grown out of the nastiness.
My daughters’ experiences at secondary school seem to be far worse. “Popular girls”
who are mean to everyone not in the group, “chavs” who noone likes, lots of factions / rivalry, even fights. Lots of drama and changing friendship groups that we never had.
I do not remember a single fight at my secondary school and we wouldn’t have referred to the council estate kids in a derogatory fashion. There was an “in” crowd and the “swots” but we were all nice to each other.
I will say my school was an all-girls school in a pretty good area just outside London whereas my kids go to a mixed school in a beautiful but not such a prosperous area of the country. Both comprehensives.

Exactly this.
There have been some really terrible crimes recently that have been perpetrated by children, I don’t remember these happening in the 1980s. And before anyone says this is due to higher levels of reporting - gang rapes, stabbings and murders would certainly have been reported in the 1980s as well.

Humans will always be humans.
Children will always be children.
I’m a teacher and a mother to teens so a reasonable amount of experience. There are definitely some things that have become less accepted in the wider world so we see less in children - bullying about physical features or disability is one of those things. Other things take its place.
The fundamental reasons why some children are horrible to other children has not suddenly vanished. They are still immature and impulsive. They still come with their own insecurities, needs and baggage. In some cases a LOT of baggage.
Social media adds a whole new layer to it all. I don’t think children are generally, fundamentally more ‘kind’ they’re just more aware that they’re supposed to be!
Now, this all sounds very negative but my overall experience with kids I teach and my DC friends is that for the most part they’re just ok kids. Not angels, they make mistakes and sometimes upset others but not devil bullies either.

there is a big big focus on being kind in education at all levels these days however that I don’t remember being there in the 80s.

I notice this in primary years - there was still bullying but less open than when I was at school.

Secondary - that was dire for my DC failing school - I'd hoped they have a more postive expericne than DH or I did - but was about the same - blind eyes from staff - though with so many assulted have more symthathy as to why than back in my day.

We still encounted some very unpleasant kids on playgrounds etc but I think they stand out more because they were more unusal - but how much of that was because there were more parents in playground ready to step in than in my childhood -- interestingly in all case with nasty kids I think I or DH and I were only parents around.

So I think maybe a change in emphaiss in some primary schools, societial changes towards more tolerance of certain groups and increased childhood supervision - and perhaps an awarness of more camera and phone camera about.

And yet a huge amount of them are depressed anxious and unable to make friends.

In the 80-90s, we were rough to each others but it was how we learned compassion and empathy, not performatively from a tiktok video but from real life experience.

There is still bullying about wrong equipment at least at secondary or there was for my DC at times.

However I think my DC perhaps because they don't stand out as poor as much as I did have more confidence to shrug off and parents and a DGP who are more willing to replace items - partly less poor and partly more aware that standing out like that can be unpleasant.

I'm amazed at your post op and think it is highly individualised behaviour to school or area and certainly not indicative of the majority of children's experiences

Sorry wrong person quoted !