Parents of older teens or adults, how would you change your approach to extracurriculars, if you co

[Calahala]

Parent to preschoolers here. I am planning to sign DC up to a music and a sport extracurricular by year 1 or 2. I’d be flexible with it: they could change instruments, or if they hated all sports, could do drama or coding or something instead, but barring some kind of serious reason why not, I’d expect them to maintain a couple of extracurriculars throughout primary. I don’t expect them to be child prodigies, but to experience the joy of mastering new skills, make friends, etc.

A friend has implied this is tantamount to child abuse and I should “let kids be kids.” AIBU?

I don't really understand what you are asking, .yes mine did extra curricular i let them do taster sessions to start withone was in the brownies/guides. Neither were seriously sporty, one not musical at all. So they got to pick and choose they were hobbies really but I would not insist they do anything, they did what they enjoyed.

I think its too young to put rules in place. My eldest had no intetest in regular hobbies other than adhoc outdoor stuff like forest school and d of e, as an adult he still.prefers solo.hobbies like wild camping and hiking. Middle one tried loads of hobbies but stuck none, tried swimming club, choir, netball, football and am dram but quot after a term or 2 but has an active social life now. Youngest was sports man and pretty much stuck with football and athletics from age 6.

My advice, encourage extra curricular, its so good for them to have interests out of school, but be led by them, keep it fun and dont make it a chore

If my DC wanted to do extra I allowed it, within reason, if they didn’t they didnt.

I didn't see it as part of my job of being a parent to force it upon them.

The only mandatory extra curricular for our DC was learning to swim, both through lessons and swimming as a family.

Other than that, scouts was brilliant for years, the rest we tried were a bit hit and miss over the years.

(If your DC's school is small it may not offer many clubs but secondary school will offer loads more for free.)

Extra curriculars are not child abuse.

clearly.

many kids want to try stuff. Get prepared for a lot of chopping and changing though!

All mine only did after school clubs at that age.

I agree with your friend, well it's not abuse but it's excessive. If they want to do something, great, but cannot see any reason to make them. Mine have had to do swimming lessons until they were confident, but beyond it's their decision. We do lots of active things as a family at the weekend. Don't be that pushy parent. Kids need rest and time to recharge at home or outside after school

Yes we did swimming lessons, for a year or so and they liked after school clubs they joined a few.

Both mine did extracurricular activities from a similar age and still do them midway through secondary, And show no signs of wanting to stop.

Their interests may change so if you’re happpy to be flexible if they really dislike something go for it!

The only thing I would have done differently is sign my DD up for a football team from a younger age (year 1 or 2) She enjoys it but doesn’t have the confidence of the girls who’ve been playing for years. I am a big advocate for team sports though.

I had the same approach as you when mine were little, didn't realise it would burn out ND children and, if I could go back, I would follow their lead more.

Mine only did activities they chose, I've seen what can happen to kids forced into activities and it's not pretty.

I my kids do far more extracurricular that I’m comfortable with really. But I’m led by them and if they want to I’ll always fund it and make it work somehow with an increasingly ridicolous schedule. I used to insist on at least one day at the weekend with no organised activities but my 10 year old campaigned for another club after she did it as a two week holiday club over the summer. I said ‘no’ for about a week or said she could if she dropped something else but she was relentless so I gave in to her in the end.

I try to encourage her to drop ones which I think have run their course but to very little success so we just keep accumulating them. I’ll be led by them and I don’t see how that’s child abuse!

You need to work with your child. What do they want? We have asked our children about extra curriculum from around 5 yo.

We did expected swimming classes until proficiency. No choice.

Your friend is just a lazy parent, ignore them 😂
in England they finish school at 3pm, how could 1 hour or 2 from 3 to 8pm bedtime be too much, how ridiculous.

The best advice I read was this: if you want them to have hobbies and interests as teenager, use their time in Primary school to join and try as many sports and hobbies as you possibly can, so you can be sure at least 1 or 2 stick.

Reception was just swimming and teacher-led clubs at school, to get used to the routine the first months.
By year 3, my kids had after-school clubs every afternoon and at weekends.

They had more than enough time for homework, "chilling", kids parties, birthday parties, play dates, sleepovers. However, they also didn't get bored, didn't spend time on screen, somehow all are keen readers.

Swimming lessons were not optional, then they could try and pick anything, from football to dancing, basket, cricket, martial art, drama.

It makes weekends so much easier when they have training and competitions or shows to go to.

I know someone will come up with the lazy parent "Kids need to learn to be bored" there are more than enough time in the day for that, they have been at school for hours, they need to run around and be active, they need to let go of steam, they meet new friends, they discover something they enjoy, they learn commitment, and they are generally happier.

Follow their lead - parent the child you have - not the idealised version of what a rounded child should be that does 1 sport, 1 instrument, 1 language, 1 church group etc.

personally I don’t think you need to have a strict number of how many extras they do nor of what type.

if Sarah likes football and the clarinet sign her up - if Daniel is obsessed with ballet alone - sign him up. .

some kids you can work through the whole symphony orchestra and they’re never going to enjoy any instrument - as music is not their thing - but painting or dance or drama or birdwatching may be.

don’t force things on them - sure encourage them to try and expose them to new things but not every kid wants or needs a million different after school activities.

one of mine loved swimming and so did that - but that was enough - we offered all sorts of things but they just didn’t want to do them - they were happy after school at home : they spent hours and hours with small world play - making up story’s with animals and figures - either alone or with their friend. They were always busy and not sitting in front of tv - but just playing and doing crafts, baking with me. Forcing them to do a club I thought would be ‘good for them’ would have destroyed them as after school they were exhausted and loved the quiet down time with one friend over sometimes rather than another session of 20/30 in a class.

I felt sorry for kids being ferried and bustled from one activity after another - some in our class would have a school club - then sandwich in car on the way to tutoring or some other activity. It’s too much some of them did 3 things on one night on top of a full school day!

I think for many kids - less is more - let them pick things they enjoy to do but give them time to just play and be a kid.

Over scheduling them also means they never learn how to self entertain . Kids nowadays stop playing with toys very often too early as too much emphasis on screens and tech and formalised environments .

It depends on the children. My eldest is now 11 and since the age of 3 has always done at least 2 extra curriculars. She has found a sport she loves and does that with a few much smaller hobbies around it.

My youngest is 9. He has tried a few clubs and when younger found them all stressful. He hated swimming lessons but loves swimming with me so he learned with me (we still go weekly and he’ll do school classes). He tried martial arts and gymnastics over the years and it stressed him out. He enjoys doing stuff with parents, football in the park, bouldering, tennis and swimming.

last year he asked to join a football team and he loves it. If he decided to stop I wouldn’t make him join something else but would sign him up if he asked.

The two things I wanted DS to learn were swimming and piano, so many benefits of both and swimming of course could save your life. Both were excellent for DS would turned out to be ND as they really helped with his coordination and core strength. Beyond that anything else was his choice but I was happy for him to try anything he was interested in.

After primary he gave everything up but I encouraged him into new interests related to the job he wanted to do as he got older as I knew it would be useful. He's doing a degree apprenticeship now thanks in part to those exta curriculars and loves it.

I think doing some extra curricular activities is good and normal, but they don’t need to do loads, eg every night (unless they later become amazing swimmers/dancers/chess players etc and need to do so as they develop in the activity). Time to chill at home and hang out with friends is important too.

Forgot about swimming - will definitely be doing that.

Friend has children in late primary school and they don’t do anything outside of school. They’ve tried various but give up after a week or two. With mine, if they ask to try something, I’ll be expecting them to finish a term or two at least before quitting.

If they enjoy the clubs, then let them do them - as long as it's not proving too much for them, too much running around for you, or too expensive.

I think there is something to be said for trying lots of things - but I always insisted that if they tried something, they stuck to it for at least a whole term, and they weren't allowed to quit until the end of a term. With three kids, also didn't have time to be running from one thing to another every day of the week, so my kids did swimming and one other evening club at a time until they were a bit older and it was easier to get them to places/they could walk/cycle there themselves. Many of the school clubs were run in lunchtime, so they joined aw many of those as they wanted - although if I remember rightly, I think school limited them to two per week, so they still had some days to go out and play.

In the end, they stuck with football/cricket for my sons, and scouts/piano for my daughter. They tend to find what they like for themselves in the end.

I know someone will come up with the lazy parent "Kids need to learn to be bored"

It's not lazy parenting to say that kids need to learn to be bored. All kids need downtime. Or just time to go out and play, or draw, or read, or play board games, or a bit of screen time. It's good for their imagination and for their mental health. They don't need to be doing a club every night of the week or doing something organised for them every minute of the day.

My youngest went horse riding. My middle one just wanted to play out (in the days they could), my eldest did activities at hobby level, swimming, trampolining, dance (she committed to that and toured). Being in the Church Choir secured my eldest GC a place at the best, fairly local high school. My youngest GC won't entertain anything. She would have been brilliant at performing and she struggles academically, so it would have been a positive thing. But that's the point, it has to have positive benefits, you have to let children be themselves. As a family, we go on lots of trips and she swims etc. You sound too rigid and doing activities that they don't want to, isn't going to benefit them, plus it might interfere with friendships from school. They both did the extras, amazing science etc offered at school.

For us it was swimming until properly competent. A team sport and scouts.

obviously I would have let them change the sport or scouts if they were unhappy but they weren’t so we didn’t.

I think that's a very sensitive attitude.

Also, if they don't try something, how do they know if they like it or not?

I don't buy the "they are exhausted" argument. They can come home at 4:30, or have 1 hour at home before going to club... how is that "exhausting" if they enjoy it. No one is signing them to bootcamp or marathon training.

They are not "exhausted" when they go to an afternoon birthday party at soft play (rare thankfully, but some parents still have parties during the week) or when they meet their friends in the park. In real life, no one will really want to spend 2 hours after school in park in the winter when it's cold, dark and wet.

I don't know why it's girls more than boys (but it is!) many girls end up obsessed with horse-riding, horses, and spending as much time and as many afternoons as they can there. Why not. When they are little, you restrict the days and hours but as they grow, you follow their lead.

You can see what you child enjoy or not.

I don't see how they can do too many of anything when you are sensible, one club after school, even every afternoon, that's 1 hour at most.

Kids who have to stay in breakfast clubs and afterschool clubs because their parents are at work 5 days a week and can't juggle, these kids are away from home a lot more and they are absolutely fine. No one is shaming working parents, what's the issue with families who have someone to drive kids around.

Mine (now teens) have literally done everything over the years. You wouldn’t be able to name an extracurricular that at least one of mine hasn’t done.

But my kids like to be busy. That said, none of them were taken too seriously. I didn’t care if they sacked off gymnastics one week for a play date etc.

If I had my time again, I wouldn’t change it. It broadened their interests and taught them what they like and don’t like.

A couple have been super valuable though. Swimming, obviously. They are both extremely strong swimmers. Drama, they both did this for about 10 years and whilst they’ve both given it up now, they are very confident public speakers. Art, DS did this for many years through primary. He is never going to be an artist, but he learned how to use art as a relaxation tool which he still uses to this day.

Swimming was my non-negotiable. I encourage rainbows/brownies/beavers/cubs as they focussed on a range of activities/skills.

I would not force a child to stick at anything they didn't want to do "just because".

Year 1 and 2 are also very early - Y3 upwards is when they are likely to develop real interests.

I think primary is more about being able to try lot of things (and I would agree that they must commit to half term/term or whatever a sensible minimum is), than focussing in on one skill. I've seen children been funnelled into gym/football/swimming etc. at an early age, have to devote a huge amount of time to it and then drop it around age 12, meaning they suddenly have a huge gap in their lives.

There are children at primary school that seem to have a constant stream of activities (at least one every night). Even if they enjoy them, this puts a huge stress on the family to ferry them everywhere and leaves them with little downtime that's not structured.