Parents of older teens or adults, how would you change your approach to extracurriculars, if you co

[Calahala]

Parent to preschoolers here. I am planning to sign DC up to a music and a sport extracurricular by year 1 or 2. I’d be flexible with it: they could change instruments, or if they hated all sports, could do drama or coding or something instead, but barring some kind of serious reason why not, I’d expect them to maintain a couple of extracurriculars throughout primary. I don’t expect them to be child prodigies, but to experience the joy of mastering new skills, make friends, etc.

A friend has implied this is tantamount to child abuse and I should “let kids be kids.” AIBU?

I just think it should all be child led (with the exception of swimming). I really wanted both of mine to do Scouts/Brownies but both joined and didn't enjoy it. DS lasted a year at Beavers, DD lasted half a term at Rainbows! DD also tried several ballet/dance classes and hated them. We don't tell them they have to do hobbies but if they want to they can.
DS8 currently does Karate, Guitar lessons, Choir and Theatre School (dance, singing, drama)
DD5 does Swimming, Karate and Gymnastics.

What are you asking?

My preschooler does Squirrels, swimming, theatre school. She's 4. Her primary school do lots of afterschool clubs (20 per month) including cheerleadjng, gymnastics, music, cooking etc so she will do some of them. Why wouldn't they?

My daughter hated Rainbows (brownines) but loves squirrels (scouts). Maybe your daughter would prefer that one?

I always had the approach that my children need to do at least one active extracurricular, this lead to my oldest (15) discovering her passion, which is volleyball. However she just said to me yesterday that she wished I had made her learn an instrument too when she was younger, as she wishes she could play but feels its too late to start now (I did tell her its never too late to learn something new but she has a lot less free time now as a teenager for practicing than she did when she was younger, and school requires a lot more work in her own time) so I'm thinking I should have insisted on one active hobby and one instrument. She thinks I should make her little brother take up an instrument now but he literally does not have any spare time for another extracurricular.

So it seems to me, if you go completely child-led they might regret things they never did in the future, but if you go too much adult-led they might resent you at the time. Its a hard balance to strike.

My DC are 16 and 18 now. They both did the same activities at primary age. Swimming i
felt was important and other activities were mainly driven by family members. So grandparents who skied, sailed and played golf for example (none of which I do personally). Over time they chose what they enjoyed most. The eldest sails and plays rugby, whilst the youngest does everything going.

The main thing I learned was to listen to them and be guided by what they enjoyed most. Neither particularly loved club swimming although they were good at it. In retrospect they probably should have stopped that sooner. You can only give them the chance to try things (within your means) and see what sticks.

When they are in primary its a great time to introduce them to things and alot of research shows different extra curricular help development and social skills so I am all for it.
For my Dd the only thing we enforced was self defence. Once she could swim we just use that as a fun day out to keep the skill up as its so important.
DD has a lot on but she has picked them and goes with friends from her class.

Let them have an input. I have a G8 musician child who competed at a national level in her sport til age 18. 90% was driven by her, I was the bank and the taxi. My youngest does no sport or music but has his own interests. They can both swim though! 100m in 2 strokes without stopping was my rule for when they can stop lessons.
But, find something which they will carry through the teenage years. Girls massively drop out of sport aged 13, and loose the mental and physical health benefits it offers. Personally I think it is a result of too much pressure to compete and clubs which don't recognise the value of life long sport.

If I had my time again

I’d find out earlier which clubs have insane waiting lists and get my kids names on

I’d find out earlier which clubs my kids’ friends or others from the same school are doing and focus on those - makes lift sharing easier and child is keener to go

I’d be more relaxed about them missing the odd session

I’d put them in for sports/physical clubs from a young age because even if they are not naturally sporty, every little helps and if it means they feel even a little bit more confident and enthusiastic about physical activity, it’s worth it.

I probably wouldn’t bother with musical instruments 😆 a high ratio of money, effort and nagging to result achieved! I think it’s worth giving music a go but if there is no love there, don’t push it.

I do agree that sandwich in the car between 2 clubs is getting ridiculous. Mine have sometimes done 2 clubs one night but always with time at home between for tea etc

My 2 children did swimming lessons as a non negotiable until they could swim confidently. They took up a musical instrument when they were 8 and 10, joined a youth organisation when they were 7 and took up a sport quite young,ds-football and dd dance. I wanted them to have interests which were wide ranging and would help them to stay active. Neither of them stayed in youth organisations, dd did dancing until she left secondary school but dropped the musical instrument. I wasn't surprised as the teacher sucked the joy out of learning. Ds dropped football but kept playing guitar and was a finalist in The Battle of the Bands in Glasgow. I spent many years being a taxi but it was worth it because they both are fairly well rounded adults. Your friend doesn't want to do the taxiing

I think doing a sport or two is good for them if they enjoy it. I have two DC. DS (9) started gymnastics at 5 and dance at 7. DD (5) started both at age 3 as that was the youngest they’d let her start, she was desperate to start. DS wanted to stop gym at one point and I told him he had to finish the term I’d paid for, by the time he’d finished the term he loved it again and it’s been two years. I haven’t bothered with music as mine don’t have the focus yet. DS also does Cubs, DD is desperate to be 6 so she can start Beavers! When so many kids are in front of screens all the time, I think these activities are much better for them!

It’s not, you know. It’s to do with ongoing societal expectations of what women look like in public hitting girls going through puberty and being at a particularly self-conscious phase about their appearance, body size etc. If I told you everything that’s been said to me as a woman in her 30s going for a run, you probably wouldn’t believe it. Early teenaged girls are less hardened.

That's what is called a rod for your own back.

My five DCs did a seasonal sport (late spring/ first bit of summer) from age 5 to 7. Four of them decided they liked the sport and kept at it until age 13ish. One had no interest or aptitude and really only participated for the social element.

One did piano, two did band in school. The other two had no interest in music.

They all learned to swim and ice skate.

They did drama in school and also choir, from age 10 to 14.

They all signed up for sports in high school and did a range of them. I took one out of sport because of a concussion, after three years of playing (seasonally). One did theatre in high school.

I’m all for it. A few riding lessons at 4 turned into a long term obsession with horses - cost us a fortune & I learnt to drive a 7.5 tonne lorry 😂. Dd still rides as an adult but we no longer own our own thankfully. Also did Beavers, Cubs & Scouts - loves hiking, mountaineering & camping to this day. Just be prepared for them to hate things - ours was dancing - she loathed it 🤷. In secondary did a few asc as well. Academically did very well and she was always full of energy so I have zero regrets on the path she took

I encouraged but never insisted, and just let hobbies develop organically as they showed an interest. None of mine could handle extracurricular in Reception, they were shattered. They’ve tried various activities, and whilst I encouraged them to try for a few more weeks once they wanted to stop, I never insisted beyond that as if they hate it what’s the point! They’ve naturally added more in as they’ve got older, and now one does music lessons, one does martial arts, both do Cubs/Scouts, and both have done swimming to an ok level. They’ve had years where they did none or hardly any, and years where they’ve done more.

I wouldn't change anything. Mine had plenty of extracurriculars but I tried to be in tune with what they showed an interest in. I saw them as an opportunity for my children to try different things to find out what they were interested in, who they were and what they might like to develop. I suggested, never forced. I considered them all as individuals rather than deciding they had to do particular things. The exception being that I had them all start swimming lessons at 3 and they all did block classes to become competent swimmers, for their own safety.