Parents of older teens or adults, how would you change your approach to extracurriculars, if you co

[Calahala]

Parent to preschoolers here. I am planning to sign DC up to a music and a sport extracurricular by year 1 or 2. I’d be flexible with it: they could change instruments, or if they hated all sports, could do drama or coding or something instead, but barring some kind of serious reason why not, I’d expect them to maintain a couple of extracurriculars throughout primary. I don’t expect them to be child prodigies, but to experience the joy of mastering new skills, make friends, etc.

A friend has implied this is tantamount to child abuse and I should “let kids be kids.” AIBU?

I had to do so many things “to get into uni” I had at least one thing on a day after school sometimes 2. I was exhausted and it wasn’t needed

That's precisely what we do. If they try it for a week or two and we sign up, they will continue for the term. Extra curricular build skills of resilience and often a child will quit because it's too hard / they aren't the best (but thought they would be because they are the best at THEIR school). Allowing them to quit is not healthy. And doesn't reflect real life.

Year 2/3 is the perfect time to introduce music, chess and team sports.

DC1 did gymnastics, tennis, park run, music. She is now focussed on music and plays four instruments to Grade 5.

DC2 did cricket, golf, football, guitar and now does football in winter, cricket in summer. Plus competitive chess.

Both have now finished swimming lessons but we do insist DC1 does something fitness based alongside music and she will go swimming herself or park run, whatever she chooses that week.

Don't listen to your friend. She probably feels guilty her kids haven't stuck at anything.

When they were young we wanted them to do something like Beavers/Rainbows, and Swimming. And happy to let then try other stuff. As they got older, we wanted something active, and Scouts (they were enjoying Scouts by the way, we wouldnt have forced it if they hated it).

So now they are 13&14. The 13yo does Rugby and Scouts. At school she does darts and the School Musical.
14yo is a Cubs Young Leader, an Explorer, does climbing/bouldering, tennis at school and is involved in School Musical (but probably backstage this year due to GCSEs)

I never pushed music because I was firced to as a child even though I had no talent for it. Im reasonably technically but it was stressful (because my brother was extremely talented!)

I agree they shouldnt give things up on a whim. But we did let DD1 stop rugby after a few weeks, despite her asking for it originally, because it was obvious it was the wrong sport for her.

Best advice... let them be themselves. Dont force something they dont like.

If mine wanted to do something we'd try and make it work. All 3 of them had extra curriculars most weeknights and some weekends - different things, various sports, swimming and music. It was extremely busy and I felt like a permanent taxi service, but as young adults they have all kept those things up and are active and busy. I'm genuinely glad that I said yes to all that taxi-ing as it's given them sports, hobbies and different friend groups that they have chosen to keep up at uni and beyond.

why does it have to be one or the other?

Children can do regular clubs and still have plenty of downtime, time to read, play, see friends, and just relax. We’re talking about activities, not military training. Music lessons are often 30 minutes. Football or dance might be 90 minutes. That still leaves a lot of free time in the day.

And let’s be honest: football and dance practice are not boot camps. Most children are there because they enjoy it. They see friends, move their bodies, learn discipline, and have fun.

Even a Saturday or Sunday morning club is usually only one or two hours. That still leaves the rest of the day for family outings, sleepovers, meeting friends, or doing absolutely nothing.

We’ve already seen what “just let them be bored” looked like during lockdown. If we needed an example of what can be terrible for children’s and teenagers’ mental health, we have one.

I also haven’t seen many teenagers whose schoolwork suffers because they have extracurricular activities. If anything, it often seems to be the opposite.

I don't care if other families do nothing or just potter around, but I disagree strongly when I hear that my kids (and their friends) do 'too much". I am not apologising because they don't have time for screen so we don't fight much about that.

Mine were encouraged to try whatever took their fancy.

Ds did tennis, cricket, rugby and football
Dd did trampolining, karate, tennis, all dofe to leader level for several years, piano

Plus they both had a tutor for maths and they also did swimming lessons

The problems I had was that I could only be in one place at a time😂 We had a caravan which we used at weekends so any activities that needed them on weekends were weeded out, dc preferred being at the van by the beach.

I'm surprised how I fitted it all in, got myself a big family planner calendar to keep on track.

As adults they both still play tennis which makes me so happy because I have a ready made mixed doubles.

You need to make friends with other parents quickly when they get older.

It's life-saving to swap the pick up and drop off at clubs with other parents!

The only thing I said was compulsory for my two was swimming lessons for safety reasons. They did various other after school activities but they were totally their choice.

I don't buy the "they are exhausted" argument. They can come home at 4:30, or have 1 hour at home before going to club... how is that "exhausting" if they enjoy it. No one is signing them to bootcamp or marathon training

For some kids, that's too much. For others, it will be fine. But some parents seem to think that they are failing their children if their children are not continually entertained by organised activity. It's good for a child to have some down time, to be bored, to have to make their own entertainment. If they are constantly ferried from one activity to another, on top of having to do homework, reading, spellings etc, when do they get a few hours to do absolutely nothing at all? Why are some parent so scared of letting their children be bored?

Oh everything at some stage. Swimming, non negotiable until they could swim reasonably well.

Brownies/guides/scouts. Sport is a must they tried a few until they found one they liked so Irish sports GAA and hurling, athletics, karate, badminton. Music which has been a huge hit guitar, drums and piano. 3 kids a variety of the above.

One is now an adult and she has made almost all of her adult friends via her hobby. They really get the value of extra circular which is the most important thing.

Re the tiredness thing....
If they are in wraparoubd car from 8-5.30pm, thats a long day. Anything on top might be too much.

But if they are with parents/grandparents, or a Childminder/Nanny... theres more downtime.

why does it have to be one or the other?

It doesn't. But it doesn't have to mean clubs everyday either. It should mostly be led by the child, I think. And if the child has no interest in extra curricular activities, then so be it. As long as they are not stuck in the house all day every day when not at school. If all they want to do is play at the park with their friends, then so be it (although I do think swimming should be non-negotiable, but it needn't necessarily be as part of an organised lesson).

We’ve already seen what “just let them be bored” looked like during lockdown. If we needed an example of what can be terrible for children’s and teenagers’ mental health, we have one

That's an extreme example, and not really relevant here - children weren't at school, or able to socialise in any meaningful way at all during lockdown.

"I don't buy the "they are exhausted" argument. They can come home at 4:30, or have 1 hour at home before going to club... how is that "exhausting" if they enjoy it. No one is signing them to bootcamp or marathon training.
They are not "exhausted" when they go to an afternoon birthday party at soft play (rare thankfully, but some parents still have parties during the week) or when they meet their friends in the park."

But some are exhausted after birthday parties and meeting friends. Mine are.

As in does a parent who has adult children have a good relationship with them despite forcing them to do a sport and a musical instrument aged 5?!

I'd say offer them a variety of things to do. It doesn't have to be sport or music and there is no point making them do anything they haven't chosen themselves. Even then they may go off it pretty quickly.

I think it is important and gives access to opportunities and friendships that are more than just school. Mine did swimming, one dc much longer than the other, learning an instrument but they both changed instruments as they grew older, one for saxophone and one drums. Both did cadets and when at primary rugby but neither loved it. Both did water sports and one now teaches water sports and is at a high level for rowing. I never pushed and as they got older they found their own things they wanted to do.

again, why does it have to be one or the other?

Why do you think 1 hour of ballet after school means giving up your entire day, and have no downtime?

Do you put your kids to bed at 6pm? I don't.

How much homework do they really have in primary?

And frankly, they only children I know who do "nothing at all" are the ones who are watching tv or playing video game. It's a parenting choice, but i am making a different one, and my kids have not suffered from it.

I wouldn't spend hours doing nothing, life is too short 😂. My kids are perfectly fine entertaining themselves on long haul flight or any boring time when there is genuinely nothing to do.

The best activity my DC did by an absolute mile was scouts. That wasn't really about "mastering skills" in the way you imply in your opening post..

My general philosophy was to let them try a whole bunch of stuff and let them find the thing they enjoyed. Turned out that was scouts, tennis and the piano. I provided opportunities but then let them get on with it. No nagging about lack of practice or passing exams / competitions. As a result, they were all pretty motivated, enjoyed themselves and achieved a reasonable standard. I strongly suspect that if I had pushed them more they would all have rebelled and ditched things at an early stage.

I think as long as you keep it flexible and child led then there’s no problem with any number of options. My kids were used to daycare and wraparound, so they wouldn’t have had the option of lounging around the house in the afternoon anyway. They always wanted and want to be busy and active and I’m happy to facilitate this though we are at our limit now.

I actually ended up with the opposite issue and had to tell my kids they couldn’t do more once we had something every day.

I only have logistics and money rules now my daughter is in high school. She has dance 4 days a week and a self defence class one evening. And a maths tutor every other weekend. She is not signing up for anything else unless she drops something as we have hit our financial limit. My son has taekwando and football and a religious education class and a d&d club and would happily do more but I think that’s plenty for now, particularly as we have to get him around to lots of this still. In high school he can increase it though as he can take himself to things.

I never had any hobbies and I think it’s wonderful my kids have so many things they want to do. But equally plenty of children prefer or need more downtime so you should be ready for either option and listen to your child when the time comes.

read the threads about teens on holiday, and parents pulling their hair out because the teens/ older teens spend their days on their screen/ phone and do nothing else.

It's very rare we do hear about teens happy to entertain themselves doing nothing, away from screen, baking and doing crafts. I am sure there are plenty, but if you read threads on here, there are more teens not interested in anything.

So I am still waiting to see how being active, doing sports and having hobbies can ever be a negative (finance aside, cost a fortune to us parents 😂)

Give them as many opportunities as you possibly can in Primary School, I think that's our job. Mine wouldn't have been able to just "play with friends" after school everyday, their friends had their own clubs to go to 😆

DD14 still does loads of extracurricular stuff but none of it is the same stuff she started. I insisted on swimming lessons until the end of primary and she would have carried on if we could have shoehorned it into all the other stuff she does.

My rule was only one thing per day, ideally nothing on Sundays and she either did it or didn't: I wasn't up for her making a decision each week about attending. She'd really like to add netball but I'm not sure when and she admits that herself.

I am happy to take her to things she enjoys but would be less keen if she moaned and I'm not nagging her to be ready on time. she has to manage that. I'll give a 'we need to get going in 5 minutes' klaxon but she needs to be ready.

These days she transports herself sometimes and weirdly I miss taking her to some stuff now she's more independent. I am really glad I let her drop stuff she didn't like and generally make her own decisions: she makes quite good ones now. They are all different: what works for one kid might not for another. Some of her friends do dancing every day for hours and can hardly make any social stuff because of it and some do no extra curricular at all. She's pretty happy in between those extremes and I want her to be happy above everything so I think we've got it about right now. As school ramps up a bit in year 10 I think extracurricular stuff is even more important: I won't be encouraging her to drop things to focus on exams.

I get you, I want my kids to have the benefits to the brain and body of music and sport from a young age.

However you can't force them. Just try a few things and see what they like. Be creative! Ice skating if you have a rink nearby, or choir.

The only thing I insisted on was swimming lessons. Once they were proficient they could stop if they wanted.
Other then that they both tried different things over the years, a mix of after school clubs and out of school stuff. At the max maybe 4 hours per week but all just things they wanted to try/have fun with.

It isnt extra curricular or being with friends more, extra curriculars wider the network of friends, which is invaluable if they are ever struggling socially at school.
They learn to be confident meeting new people and trying new things.

I think, unless theres a reason not to, the benefits hugely outweigh the negatives, especially with how sedentary kids are these days.

I encouraged clubs and my children loved them. They're late teens now and all still do sport, two out of three still do music.

See how it goes at that age. My DD was very tired and hungry all the time it seemed during Reception / Y1 age - the school week itself was enough for her, and I just focused on exercising and emotional regulation things / loads of fresh air and things and time in the garden after school.

Aged 7 now she is really thriving and doing well. Does drama class thursday night, a church thing on a Tuesday night, sport on a Saturday morning and sometimes Parkrun on a Sunday.

The growth spurt they have around aged 6 / 7 for my DD has coincided with a big increase in stamina, energy and her moods are not so ruled by hunger anymore.