Parents of older teens or adults, how would you change your approach to extracurriculars, if you co

[Calahala]

Parent to preschoolers here. I am planning to sign DC up to a music and a sport extracurricular by year 1 or 2. I’d be flexible with it: they could change instruments, or if they hated all sports, could do drama or coding or something instead, but barring some kind of serious reason why not, I’d expect them to maintain a couple of extracurriculars throughout primary. I don’t expect them to be child prodigies, but to experience the joy of mastering new skills, make friends, etc.

A friend has implied this is tantamount to child abuse and I should “let kids be kids.” AIBU?

what a strange way to see it. Of course it's completely untrue, do you think our children are scared of us or something? 😂

They commit to something, they stick with it for a term, or for the duration of the commitment. They know when they sign up.

Or they end up like these people that accept invitations and don't turn up because they got a "better" offer.

My main rule was... I can only be in place at a time. So one activity a day. I had one period where they both had a clashing club and it was only manageable because elder DD could walk to and from Scouts alone... (both distance wise and safety wise as it was 8pm, in winter).

Our rule was that dd had to have at least one physical extracurricular. It was her choice and she could try various things. She could also have additional activities. Dance lasted the longest. Her personal choices veered towards art and science.

That went by the wayside with Covid and we didn’t make her pick a physical activity back up when things opened again. By that point what was available for her age group had changed substantially. She also had some medically complications the entire time that restricted her choices which combined with the fewer options at her older age made things even more difficult.

so post Covid all her extracurriculars were just personal interest.

it's good to encourage the discipline of following through on something. Plus kids should be doing exercise every day so I would go for some sporting stuff if there is limited at the school.

However, I did to find my child was exhausted with the day, with homework. They need to rest and have space for creative play too

We insist on one sport - they can choose which one and they have to finish a term once they have started. Why? Because physical activity is so important for health that we want to set the habit for exercise.

We also do other physical activities with the kids in the garden/park like football, badminton, parkrun etc but I do really want the kids to find a sport they enjoy and will keep going with.

Also swimming for reasons others have said.

We also strongly encourage beavers/cubs - range of skills. Also looking ahead to when they are teenagers, if we can keep them going with scouts, they will be busy and active and not just on screens. I am also keen on the independence aspect of scouts - so many young people seem to have so much anxiety and cling to their parents, I would like mine to be confident and independent and scouts seems like a good way to go for that.

Other than that - up to them. One of mine loves an organised activity and does loads - a martial art, a sport, an orchestra, cubs, swimming The other just does a sport, beavers and swimming

I don't believe in forcing music, I think it's a middle class affectation. Gave both kids the opportunity, one enjoys it, the other doesn't. I will give the other the opportunity again when he is a little older but I don't see the point in it a child isn't actually talented/interestedly

I definitely encouraged activities after school. Mix of beavers, music (lessons in school), swimmings, sports etc.
I think if you can afford to give them the chance to develop interests it’s great and sport in particular gives so many life skills. Now mine are teens they still do a lot of sport at an high level now and our entire weekends and many week day evenings are taken up by it. Worth bearing in mind with whatever activity you commit to as to whether your work and lifestyle can sustain all activities!

Mine are early/mid primary and they both do loads of clubs. They always have, so I suppose they've never known any different

They seem to still manage to get time to "chill" at home, they're often laying about reading or playing a board game. I'm not sure what they'd do else with more time in the house, though? I suppose we're quite busy as a family, I don'tike being home all day and am always out and about on days off.

Kids don't play out on the street so much these days, so I also think the social side is good. They do breakfast club and after school club a few times a week which seems to be basically free play with their friends.

My opinion - others may disagree.

1. Swimming most definitely. This should really be the priority.
2. Let them try a variety. If they enjoy it, continue. If they don't, try something else. Let them choose, assuming budget allows. We've had horse riding, dance, rainbows, cheerleading. Eventually settled on one favourite each.

Now my don'ts which I feel far more passionately about.

1. Don't prioritise one child's club above another. I have a friend whose dd does gymnastics. They spend hours at training, competitions etc. It costs them a lot and theyare really stretched. Their ds had to stop swimming lessons as it clashes! He wanted to start playing on a football team but the budget wouldn't allow it (their words).
2. Don't fill up every evening. Children need opportunity to play, meet friends, spend time with you etc. Especially in infant school, they are tired after school.
3. Always ensure that your child knows that they can quit. This is so important as I had a highly stressed child that I taught who eventually admitted that they felt they couldn't quit dance as their parents had already spent so much time and money.

OP this sounds more like you projecting how you want your parenting to appear rather than what your kids want and/or enjoy.

Read the post 21.09 by cannotbelieve. Allow a child to quit. Obviously you talk to your child before committing to a one term sporting activity. The way op is making out is the child tries it, doesn’t like it, then they have to stick to it for x amount of time. That’s too rigid. It’s fine to try something a couple of times and not like it. Chopping and changing constantly isn’t ok either. Not what I’m talking about here.

It's not child abuse, but it isn't brilliant parenting to follow a pre-decided agenda instead of following what your children actually want and need. It's best to parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had/the one you read about in books/the one you've planned for.

The problem isn't the after-school clubs, it's the attitude of 'they will do this because I've decided' parenting philosophy that's problematic.

I wouldn’t bother pushing an instrument unless they or your household are musical. It’s a chore for a kid, all that practice. My DS played a wind instrument from Yr3 to Yr11, took GCSE music (no idea why in hindsight) and the last few years were hell trying to get him to practice. Hasn’t his picked his instrument up in 4 years. Cubs, etc and sport are great for them and definitely swimming.

We have always let our boys choose what they want to do, and also just taken them along with us to our sports and interests (most of our interests / hobbies are sport or outdoors related though). Ours are now 14 and 12 both compete at a national, regional or county level in at least 3 or 4 different sports, but they have tried quite a
few before finding the ones that they really love. We have never forced them to do anything, we have encouraged them and do expect commitment from them now they are older - so for example, son1 is a multi event sport athlete and he hates training for one of those events, but because I pay for the sessions, I expect him to attend without moaning, which he does as he knows it’s his choice to do it or not (but if he doesn’t go regularly then I won’t pay for it next quarter). I think it’s well worth letting them try lots of different things when they are small, if they want to do them, and discourage them specialising into one sport too early (mine still both do several quite different sports, and won’t specialise until they are older if they want to).

I do encourage them to try things outside of sports but that is their main interest. I play the piano and both enjoy tinkering around on the piano but have never wanted to properly learn.

Being on teams or in clubs or even things like scouts or guides is brilliant as it gives children different sets of friends and teaches them about being in different little communities. My boys love their sports clubs and have a huge amount of pride in their teams and clubs, and great relationships with their friends and with their coaches - it’s definitely enriched their lives.

Choose what your child enjoys and they will get much more out of it and give them space to just be at home and able to relax too - especially if they will need wrap around care or holiday clubs too.

I'd have hated clubs when I was growing up. I loved my books and writing stories, I didn't enjoy being in busy clubs and things like Brownies soon fizzled out as I just didn't get much out of the experience.

With my own children I let them do clubs they were interested in for as long as they were enjoying them. One of my daughters loved gymnastics so we carried on with that one for a few years but one of my other daughters didn't want to do anything like that as she preferred working on drawing and painting at home. I just made sure she had some decent resources so she could practice from books and youtube videos (such as Bob Ross).

If I could have my time again I would not allow my DC to get into competitive swimming. They get a lot out of it in many ways but it’s a brutal schedule on the whole family and I wish they had done a wider variety of sports. Once you’re half decent at swimming there is no time for anything else.

I would wait until the times comes and they actually ask to participate in something rather than force them.

I'm not a parent so I won't profess to speak as a parent, but I wish as a child my parents had encouraged extra curriculars. Encouraged being the operative word though. I don't think I would have enjoyed learning an instrument for example, certain things never really appealed to me, but equally the things I showed interest in weren't encouraged either. Without sounding dramatic I often think how my life may have turned out differently had extra curriculars been a bigger part of my life as a child. Not just in terms of finding a genuine passion but providing a focus and skills outside of schoolwork. I was quite academic but extra curriculars can also be helpful in showing children that it's ok to be sporty or artistic instead. For your own sake don't do 4 activities a week especially with more than one DC or you'll likely be burned out with scheduling and running round, especially if there's uniforms involved and added laundry etc. Find a middle ground.

I tried everything as a kid, but dropped it all. I wanted to be good at it immediately and if I wasn't, I didn't want to do it. Often I was just following other kids, too. Had lots of individual, crafty hobbies.

I did stick to clarinet, but didn't pick it up until high school. Wish my mum had made me carry on piano, but suspect she was glad not to have to pay.

My two both swam; necessary as we like sea swimming on holiday.

I desperately wanted ds to enjoy football, because I had seen how many friendships were forged that way, but he did a year and gave up. Mainly because at 5, they were sifted into teams and he wasn't. But this could have been because he wanted to play, rather than compete, and the other kids (and their dads) saw stardom. We don't follow football on tv either, which didn't help.

Martial arts and scouts all the way with ds.

Dd was v shy, so didn't start anything until 6. She was bloody good at gymnastics, but too old for squad training. Then she did dance. She absolutely loves dance. Tried brownies... gave up. She'd have been a fab guide. Their hobbies hsd to start after 530 too, due to work, which made it difficult for them both.

Both tried guitar. Gave up. I feel quite a lot of guilt at the afternoons making them practise guitar, when they really had no interest. But then, I'm frustrated that they have 2 parents who play instruments but they don't.

Both still do martial arts/ dance. I returned to music in my 40s so there's hope!

I think YAB very unrealistic to put rules in place when you have no idea how your pre-schooler will develop.

I think your friend IBVU to use the words 'child abuse' in this context.

I agree with you that it is great if your dc stick with activities outside of school throughout their childhood and teens, but I think you are being completely unrealistic to think you can map out what it is they will each do.

You need to offer them opportunities, do your best to show interest and enthusiasm and support them in what they do, and see what develops from there.

It sounds a little bit rigid but I wouldn't say child abuse, unless you were forcing a child to attend stuff when they had huge anxieties over it or didn't enjoy it.

We just go with interests or find trials and say if you like it then great, if not you don't have to go back. If they say yes after a trial and we sign up for the term then I would ask that they see it through, because I've paid. My DS was far less keen than my DD, he's quite socially anxious and she is a collector of hobbies and friends. Swimming was/is our only non negotiable.

I'd argue against what someone said above about music not being a great choice as there are so many positives to learning and instrument, but I think they have to want to do it.

I also don't think there is a huge issue with having a slower life and letting kids have down time after school. But it sort of depends what they're doing with it.

My 4 year old has been going to gymnastics since he was 4 months old and he loves it so I can’t see him wanting to stop going any time soon but we stopped Rhythm Time because he lost interest and rarely joined in and we tried Diddikicks but he hated it so we stopped going 🤷‍♀️ Adults don’t continue with hobbies that they don’t like so why should children? 🤷‍♀️

I have currently got him on the waiting list for swimming lessons (1-1 SEN sessions) that you do have to pay for a whole term of upfront so if he gets a place I will be encouraging that but it’s a life skill and he loves going to the swimming pool and water parks so I’m hoping he will enjoy it!! ♥️

Why not wait to see what they want to do?
Extra curriculum activities are important but only if the child enjoys them. Making a child do something they don’t want to do because you have decided they should is a recipe for disaster.
The only exception to this would be swimming lessons

Exactly. Anything that compromises the family’s quality of life should be avoided.

I think you just need to figure it out as you go, and parent the child you have in front of you at the time. Don't set arbitrary rules now.

That said, I'd switch out group swimming lessons for 1:1 over a much shorter period.

I don't care whether it's a team or individual sport, or music in an orchestra or whatever. Anything that involves peers in some way will do a similar thing to team sports. My child got way more socially out of his individual sport because he clicked with the other players and they hung out together etc. Whether they were playing against each other or on the same side was not the most important thing. They were all giving up their Saturday to do the same thing together, week in week out.

Absolutely these things are too exhausting for some children. One of my children would run away and hide on the way home from school or lie on the pavement because he was so overwhelmed from a day at school. If yours can manage 3 activities a week that's lovely, but it doesn't mean you're parenting better than someone else whose child can't.

I wouldn't personally put rules in place, we always got led by them and my eldest did regular sport from 6, my youngest was more flighty and tried a variety of things but now aged 8 is settled into a sport. They do music at school and neither is that musical, it's expensive to push something they dislike and if they don't practice music then they make no progress anyway. I'd just see what they're interested in, try a few things and go with what they actually want to do - otherwise it's a waste of time and money, hobbies should be fun. Also, you might not get chance - here hockey isn't until y5/aged9 and netball was aged 8 - my dd likes team sports so she just had to wait for them. In my experience it's the opposite of forcing them, it's me restraining them, because if 2 of them want to do 2 hobbies each plus swimming lessons and fit homework in - then I basically drove all over the county most evenings and theyre exhausted- no thank you! Most kids are keen on having hobbies and it's logistics management to fit everything in.

The only thing I set a rule on was swimming, as its such an essential life skill for safety. They've kept it up and like it, but I only insisted they reach the stage of swimming a few lengths safely.