Parents of older teens or adults, how would you change your approach to extracurriculars, if you co

[Calahala]

Parent to preschoolers here. I am planning to sign DC up to a music and a sport extracurricular by year 1 or 2. I’d be flexible with it: they could change instruments, or if they hated all sports, could do drama or coding or something instead, but barring some kind of serious reason why not, I’d expect them to maintain a couple of extracurriculars throughout primary. I don’t expect them to be child prodigies, but to experience the joy of mastering new skills, make friends, etc.

A friend has implied this is tantamount to child abuse and I should “let kids be kids.” AIBU?

My DD wanted to do everything! Tended to be on a whim or what her friends were doing. Some lasted, most didnt but she made friends along the way. We mostly went with it and my only rule was that if she moaned about going then we would cancel because I wasnt wasting my time and money only for her to complain. She rarely did tbf. Swimming lessons were a non-negotiable and we've bribed her into continuing with her chosen musical instrument because she is about to do her grade 6 and is quite talented even though she doesnt love it. We will let her give up after her grade 6 and I think she will appreciate it as an adult. If you can afford it financially and time wise let them try as much as they show an interest in.

again, why does it have to be one or the other?

Again, it doesn't ! You don't seem to be actually reading my posts at all!
For some kids, doing lots will be fine. For others, it will be too much. It should be child led. It's ok for them to do no clubs if they wish to. My DS had a friend at primary who hated extra curricular activities, and never did a single one (past trying one or two for a couple of weeks), during his whole time at primary, secondary and uni, and it really worried his mum. But he's grown into a lovely, polite, sociable man, and is the most academically successful and highest earning (by at least double) out of the whole of his year group. So what if he can't play an instrument, or doesn't enjoy team sports? They are just not his thing, and that's fine.

And again, it's ok for children to sometimes be bored. In fact, I think it's good for them. But you seem to be of the opinion that makes me a lazy parent because I hold this belief - I can assure you it doesn't. I just believe that not all activities have to be 'organised', and not all children have to do clubs that they have no interest in. And I say this a cub leader who can see the benefits of extra curricular clubs. As it happens, mine did quite a few, but that was their choice.

Mine’s still in primary so may be I don’t qualify but I’ll put my 2 cents in. My kid has an extracurricular almost every day (by his choice). I have found he’s thriving now in confidence and social skills as he’s making a lot of friends (there’s some overlap in kids doing more than one activity so he sees them in other sports/ music etc). Also when he moves up through the levels it gives him a true sense of achievement. Where we live the weather is rubbish about 9 months of the year so it’s helpful that he does all that.
there are times he asks not to go to something as is too tired and I give him a break. I don’t force anything.
eta: for us it’s really important he does one team sport (doesn’t matter which one and can keep on changing) to foster leadership, good understanding of teamwork and social skills as these are dying in these digital and more isolated times.

eta: for us it’s really important he does one team sport (doesn’t matter which one and can keep on changing) to foster leadership, good understanding of teamwork and social skills as these are dying in these digital and more isolated times

And that's great if he enjoys it - and I think it's good to try several to find the one he likes. But what if he's tried several, and hates them all? Would you still make him go due to the skills it teaches. My DS was a kids football coach, and, while the majority of the kids enjoyed it, there were sometimes one or two that didn't but were forced to attend by their parents - and they were miserable. It wasn't good for them, and it wasn't good for the team as a whole.

I see the same as a cub leader - occasionally there's a child who just doesn't want to be there, but his/her parents think it's good for them. No matter how hard we try to get them interested, they just don't enjoy it, and it's not good for them to be there.

Attendance of clubs should, in my opinion, be child-led. I think it's fair to let them try things, and if it's not for them, to let them quit (after a reasonable amount of time of trying). Nothing should be more important to the parents than it is to the child.

Mine only did activities they chose, but I did encourage them to try a wide range to see what they really liked. Some they stuck with and some they dropped, which is fine. Yr1 & 2 is still very small so I wouldn't cram their after school time with classes - one or two a week is fine and other days, we would just go to the park after school or have a little friend to play and tea or they would go to play at a friend's.

I think it also makes a massive difference when parents lead by example.

When kids see their parents out and about, going to their own clubs/ sports and various activities around work, it becomes their "normal". It would be a bit hypocritical to force your children to do "clubs" if your only hobby was Netflix.

It's the same with reading. It's not about if they enjoy reading, it's "what" they want to read.

My dd15 does a sport that involves a lot of training 6-7 sessions a week though some are double sessions. I’d dread to think what she’d do if she wasn’t doing this. Keeps her fit, mentally and physically. She’s great at planning her time (currently doing exams). She sees friends outside of school once or twice a week but also has friends at her sport. She had very little time to doom scroll on SM.

That's great if your dc finish school at 3pm, I worked FT so my ds went to after school club till 5pm.
After that he was hungry and needed to eat and then was too tired for much else.
He did do football from age 5 and then cricket from age 7.. both he kept up till 16 and at 21 he still plays cricket now.
He had no interest in learning an instrument and for the other stuff it was his choice, if he'd have wanted to do other stuff his friends were doing he could have done

My year 1 DS does tons of clubs and he is already telling me what he wants to add in Sept 💸. He is in a dance show in July (he does Tap) he is in one dance, my year 6 DD is in 6 dances and he's rearranging in his head how he can get into more dances in the next show by picking up more dance classes but not cancelling any of his current clubs.

I know he does loads (almost every day after school and swimming on Saturday) but he bounces out of school each day ready for the next thing. He likes his brain to be working constantly. DD only did gymnastics and swimming from year 2 and then picked up the dance classes in year 5.

We tried dance classes with DD in year 1 (although it was hard as she was a lock down reception/year 1 kid), but she just didn't enjoy them. She asked in year 5 to start.

You will know if they're enjoying it or not by the way they come out of school and find out they've got x club / the way they come out of the club.

I really love that he enjoys these classes because the ones he carries on with throughout primary school will hopefully give him loads of confidence for secondary school.

My nursery DS2 is already like clubs... Erm nah I'm alright on the sofa thanks 😂

yes sign them up but do let them choose what within reason, whilst music is great (my dc play) I would try and do a taster day to see if they are interested first, perhaps drama, choir, dance, painting or whatever is more their thing. My dc went to a kids concert where they could try out instruments

Throughout primary school, my two DDs picked up choir, badminton, swimming, diving, dancing, gymnastics, drumming, keyboard, musical theatre, athletics and trampolining - all at varying times. Swimming was the only one I was inflexible on - until they passed all their badges. They’re 18 and 21 now - one is at drama school as she really loved Musical Theatre and the other still does ballet. I think it’s the most important thing we did for our kids as they made lots of friends along the way, and it made them ‘well rounded’ adults, knowing there’s more to life than screens (and later on), drinking!

Mine are all in their twenties now. All three did swimming lessons in around year 1/2. But not forever, a couple of years maybe. Daughter did Brownies and tried dance but didn’t like it. She started piano in year 6 and that was weekly lessons until she went to uni (to study music). Middle son went to Cubs for a bit and did some music stuff at school and a few school plays. Youngest did a mixed ability ball club and then Ju-Jitsu when in high school. So it was all quite low key - I didn’t want a commitment to a weekend sport as we spent a lot of time at our caravan and the kids benefited from that - just playing with their friends. None have them has ever said they didn’t do enough. They get tired after school and for me they need to only do stuff they really want to do not what their parents think they should do.

I think having a firm expectation seems a bit OTT. Most of the time mine have had at least a couple of things going on but it's really varied over time. My daughter went from having 4 or 5 clubs to not wanting anything extra for bit, and now does 4 things I think (music, swimming, football, brownies/scouts for example). Oh, and choir.

In year 1 they can be really tired.

I would allow a bit of flexibility, is all.

My DD is 3 and does swimming and dance atm. Swimming she started at 8 weeks and although there have been long breaks she is very close to independently being able to swim now.

Dance she started because she asked to at 2.5. I want to find a football club for her (her request) but I don't want both weekend days taken up. Currently one is midweek.

Mine are now at the end of secondary. At the time, midway through primary, I started to buckle under the amount they wanted to do. They both did brownies AND cubs/scouts. They both did swimming (got to level 10-so finished), and did dance. I was exhausted! They also did martial arts with their dad. Many parents thought I was mad. I suppose I even thought it was out of hand. But it was our busy life after divorce and it kept us going as no time to stop!

They both carried on dancing. To a very high level (international competing) One wants to make it her life. The other definitely not. But still enjoys it.

Honestly, it has been so good for them. When I see my eldest's friends who literally have nothing outside of school, I am chuffed I went through those few years of rushing around. Mine will have loads to discuss at interviews. The 6th forms were very excited speaking to her at open day events as she had such an unusual hobby at such a high level. They also have a huge amount of friends outside of school and bags of experiences that some of their peers don't. The resilience shown due to set backs and rejections. The feelings of nerves and anxiety before big competitions has really helped my daughters cope with school challenges. Plus they have shown they can stick at something and work hard at it. I'm proud 🫣. They also both have an amazing work ethic. I know this isn't purely down to the extra curricular. But it certainly has added to them knowing you need to work at something to be successful.

But in all of the above, I didn't push it once. It was always their decision. The only thing I did insist on was swimming. Which was the one thing they both weren't as keen on! But all the others, I was just the taxi driver and wallet.

Mine started dancing ages 4. But it was one class on a Saturday morning until they got to about age 10. Then it just exploded. When we started it was just for fun. It also became a routine my SEN DD thrived on.

Do it. But with no pressure or expectations. I would start with swimming actually. Then pick another activity that your DC wants to do. Mine only wanted to do it because her friend started. 12 years later and they are both still doing it together. In fact, being with friends was what made them both want to do cubs etc too. Nothing came from me.

Plus. I always wanted to do a dance class or learn an instrument as a child. My parents couldn't afford it. I went to brownies and guides. I have made many financial and time sacrifices to let them do this. So be prepared for that!

I took the approach that extra curriculars should be interesting and fun, I wanted them to build confident relationships with adults who weren’t school teachers or family - they did music lessons but I discouraged exams and didn’t insist on practice - I found a fun teacher and they enjoyed their sessions with her, also did singing lessons, that teacher was lovely but it wasn’t as much fun so they stopped going. They both had French lessons too with a fabulous French woman and did scouts - they weren’t all that interested in team sport, so we didn’t push that - they liked climbing and running when they were younger and they still do now.

I think school and exams suck the joy out of learning - with everything being exam based - focused on deadlines and punishments. I wanted them to experience the joy of learning for just the pure hell of it. They kept up their music for much longer than their peers - used to play to relieve stress during exams - music is a big part of their lives.

Mine are 11 and 8. So far they have tried;
football
rugby
drama
kickboxing
self defence
singing
scouts/cubs/beavers
swimming
dance
cookery.
They have stuck to
mr 11;
cookery, rugby, swimming and scouts. Due to start t’ai chi soon.
mr 8;
Rugby, drama, singing, dancing, swimming and cubs.

Mondays - scouts for Mr 11
Tuesdays - Both do rugby.
Wednesdays - Mr 8 does swimming
Thursdays - Mr 11 goes Swimming, Mr 8 goes singing followed by cubs
Fridays - nothing
Saturdays - Mr 8 goes to a full 3 hour theatre club doing dancing, singing and drama
Sundays - in season it’s rugby for both, off season we don’t do anything.

My eldest did a mixture of swimming, rainbows/brownies/ piano/ gymnastics/netball. She's 16 now and still does netball and piano.

My middle did football 4x per week/rugby/cricket/guitar/ dodgeball/boxing and at 14 does football x4 and boxing

My youngest is about to turn 10 and she does gymnastics, flute, piano and football.

Swimming to stage 6 was non negotiable. Which was around age 8 ish.

We did and still do spend most of our time ferrying the children from a to b, but we love it.

Busy kids become busy teens.
It’s often the kids who do no to little extra curricula’s who spend a lot of time on tech, and are the ones drinking etc. Same as when I was a child and definitely the same now.

YABU about expecting your dc to absolutely complete a term or two. That sort of rigid thinking will put off your child. They’ll be too scared to try something new out for fear you will lock them in for months, which to them will feel like years as they’re so little.

My 3, now 15, 17 and 18 did a variety of activities. Some short term after school clubs such as gymnastics, games etc.

Beavers, cubs, scouts, air cadets, sea cadets, sailing, dance, football, rugby, musical instruments including grading, after school and in school opportunities, and so much more!
I expected a degree of commitment to the activities, which they all duly upheld.

Be prepared for plenty of logistical planning, including what and when to feed them and also to have all of your evenings and weekends taken up. Up until recently we were out every night, except Friday. Weekends also full of activities.

I grew up without these extra curricular opportunities and was keen for mine to have explore.
It costs a lot in time, commitment other sacrifices, and also money.
My job as a parent is to give opportunities to my children. So far, each of my teens continue with a variety of activities, including volunteering their time to support other youngsters to have fun.
I'm pleased that they realise that there is more to life than school or work.
As I write, I am sitting in the car waiting for an activity to finish!
Have completed the online shop though, and about to get a few more steps in!

My kids extra ciricular activities

ds9 - Monday - 1.5 hours of cricket practice
Wednesday 2 hours of viola
Thursday - football training
Friday - 1 hours guitar lesson
Saturday - football match
And a cricket match at some point too

Ds5 - Monday - 1 hours cricket
Tuesday - football training
Wednesday - 2 hours of boxing/mma
Thursdays wrestling
Saturday - football match
Sunday - cricket match

it’s all on there doing and they can stop etc when they want but they have to keep at least one fitness/sport! This hasn’t happened yet 😩😩😩

I’m led by the kids, but try to keep it sane. There’s some parents I know who seem to spend half their life travelling between extra curricular activities and it doesn’t seem much fun for the kids! I’ll never forget watching a girl get changed in the car from her ballet stuff to football kit every week, shoving down a sandwich for dinner and ten mins late because the classes didn’t quite match up. It just didn’t seem great!!

DD (10) likes to be busy - she does karate, guides, gymnastics and piano lessons. She used to do swimming, and also did football for a bit (then dropped it and picked up karate). Piano lessons are through school so it doesn’t eat into the evenings.

DS (8) who is autistic does karate and piano lessons, he’s about to start swimming too on a weekend. He’s tried cubs but it didn’t work for him.

They also both like little after school clubs like dodgeball and choir, and tend to do at least one of those a week too. I like them doing stuff and am led by them completely, but try to keep it manageable and so that no-one is frazzled (me included!).

I don’t understand why you would expect them to do extra curricular activities - if they want to try new things then thats brilliant and if they enjoy it even better.

If they don’t want to do anything thats fine too! My only ask was they learnt to swim.

My 3 are teenagers now and 2 of mine do a lot of sport however 1 of mine doesn't do any extra clubs. Her choice, she tried a few in primary but it just not her thing.
I think its best to follow their lead.
All of mine did swimming but I didn't really see that as club more of a life essential.