not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

as i keep saying, what would stop him calling her and guliting her back?

Genius!

And I bet your sister will have made dinners and done the shopping and carefully labelled everything in the fridge/freezer so he doesn't have to worry about that.

I'd really struggle with being called in to clean up after a man like that - since that is what you say is the point of it. To stop the house being a tip when she gets back.

I'd offer to take the kids to the park for a couple of hours one of the days. he can clean up then. bet he won't though. Useless.

What a useless bastard. Incompetence in men really gives me the ick.
Can’t look after his own kids? Quick! Better ask another woman to come and help!

This. It is all very well for some posters to berate the Husband, but the fact remains, that the Sister has asked for help. I would provide that help, if possible, to enable my Sister to enjoy her break, without stressing, at the back of her mind, about the children.

I would help out for my sister’s sake
but not stay in their house. I have been the mum of littlies who never gets a break. It’s hard. But BIL needs to
step up & do the majority of the work.

It does annoy me when any woman is seen as a first choice before the actual father of the children! Seen it many times, mum goes on a night out/weekend awa- DC go to granny!

Really? And when the Husband informs her what has happend, and she comes rushing back, as she cannot relax knowing he is without any support.

2 issues here -

Him unable to cope when she is /does
Her asking you - she is undermining him / she is a micro manager / has an issue with control.

She needs to either go and accept things wont be done how she does them/ the house is a bit chaotic afterwards

She stays.

They are their kids - they need to navigate it !

IMO

In life, the more we enable people not to be independent , the more reliant they become.
I have 2 siblings who have kids - they have always had loads of support from in laws with childcare etc.
Both avoid situations where they do not have another adult with them
In contrast, I haven't ever had this - just got on with it as no choice !

Now we are carers to elderly parents, the same is happening ie they struggle single handedly.

Well it seems he was capable enough when it came to fathering 4 children but not capable of looking after them? A great example of weaponised incompetence. No, I would not facilitate him. If your sister has to miss out on her holiday thats between her and her partner.

because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

His wife should have told him not to be so bloody ridiculous/left him to orgnanise his own help at least.

I think you should say no Op, especially if this She will feel better about going if she knows I am there to help with the DC and keep the house from being in a horrific tip for when she returns equates to you doing everything/the bulk of it!

Then it shows her his true colours & if she wants to keep enabling him to be a useless twat of a husband / dad, then that’s on her.

Clicked the wrong option on the poll. You are not being unreasonable OP.

Do both of them work outside the house? Is that the issue? He would be juggling more than she does because she is a SAHM? That's the only reason I can think of for why it would be harder for him and the house a tip on her return. Anything else is just enabling his incompetence.

Dont be tempted to say just just say NO!

I will also take any bets on the BIL heading out for lots of lovely all-day bike rides to help him decompress while OP clean the house and entertains the kids, and then collapses when his DW gets back and has to be allowed a weekend in bed to get over the dreadful experience.

If you go and stay you’re enabling his uselessness

Absolutely not a chance.
What a loser she married.

So he can he shoot the spermies but not look after the end result and whilst hes sat on his bottom she wants you to clean her house and look after her kids,

@saynooo , this is not about helping your sister. She could hire that done if her husband is such a loser he can't take care of his kids or his home for a few days.

It's about the misogyny she's showing expecting you to abdicate any of your responsibilities to go move in and be his surrogate wife/enabler. And you say people don't usually ask men. Yes, people ask men for help all the damn time. She just won't bother because she thinks it's your job to step in and prop his useless ass because you're a woman.

So as usual he’s pushed it on to her to sort.

He can’t cope with his own kids and can’t be arsed to even find help.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. He needs to learn how to cope with his own kids and keep the house tidy. Women aren’t magically better at these things, we just are expected to do them.

There are always double standards when it comes to mums and dads, it’s utterly ridiculous. I bet if he takes them to the park “he is such an involved and helpful dad”.

What's the usual set-up?

They both work full-time, and she's having to be the handmaiden, work + kids + chores + house and everything? And he's being an incompetent idiot.

Or is she very strict on the way things MUST be done, he get screamed at if he pick the wrong colour tshirt or give a different breakfast at his own chosen time, and he can't do nothing right.

If they both have equal responsibilities, it's about time he learns to cope with the children he decided to have.

If he hadn't been allowed to parent in his own way, then now it's his chance and she has to accept HER way is not THE way.

Either way, I am sure he can cope 😂

Id say no. You are not in control of what drcision your sister makes. Surely a grown man can look after his own children.

Don't just be tempted. Say no. He's ridiculous.

I think BIL wants to have his own bit of time off while his wife is away and will dump everything on OP if she turns up.
I love your idea of turning up to direct operations but not actually do any of the work. Write him a list! 🤣🤣