not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

No I wouldn’t. I thought I’d been clear that I meant offer to come and do a bit of childcare as a bit of breather for him to do an activity. Any parent should be able to look after their children and the home for a short period of time. Me and DH are used to having each other around so we naturally have our own roles in the home but both of us can manage fine if the other one isn’t there.

You're absolutely right O.P. my friends partner does this, when she has the VERY rare day/weekend away he gets the three kids and drives to HER parents and the grandmother basically just ends up taking over. He goes over for a VISIT and stays all day!

OP, presumably you are asking this question because you are questioning your sister's request for you to assist your BIL while she is away. There is scant detail about the circumstances (any special needs, school hours clashing, father working very long hours, ages of children and so on).

You have not said whether BIL himself actually wants and asked for your support. Perhaps he doesn't and didn't.

One poster suggested BIL might ask his brother or father. To which you replied that 'women don't often ask other men'. Why do you assume it's the job of women to ask other women for support for fathers with their own children? Perhaps suggest to your sister that BIL could ask one of his male family members for help if it's needed???

The whole situation is an example of women enabling men's learned helplessness. Of course this father can manage, just as most men can, unless there are extraordinary circumstances. Please just decline and tell your sister to enjoy her break and let her husband get on with it. If the house is a bit untidy, so what? The father will likely have a great bonding experience with his children.

Move in while she's away to ''help with childcare''
Absolutely not!
Would you not feel resentful when her husband comes and goes, doing his own thing, while you're cooking/cleaning/entertaining his four children???
By all means help out by taking the children out, bringing over the odd meal or visiting, but moving in is ridiculous,
Does he really need a live in housekeeper/cleaner/nanny?

That's appalling.

Honestly, never have so many children with someone that if you died, they wouldn’t be able to cope alone.

My BIL works away and goes to festivals fairly often. Dsis parents the children because she is their parent. When she has the odd weekend away he takes them to his mums, every time. Yes they are young but if one parent can do it then clearly it’s not impossible. If it was the first ever time one of them went away then maybe I would offer help, but as the mum usually gets on with it I would expect him to learn to get on with it too

This

This is not your responsibility, whatsoever

And the emotional manipulation is astounding

No you aren't being unreasonable. Don't do it.
If he can't cope with 4 kids he shouldn't have had 4 kids.
I agree with it giving him insight into what he regularly expects her to do.

I really hope your sister is being overly anxious and he doesn't even know you gave been asked or want the help, because that would be pathetic.

Also, sod men not asking other men to help each other.

Gosh what a pathetic species he sounds. We loved it when our mum went away. Dad couldn't cook so we went out for all meals, went to the cinema, days out etc. It was lots of fun and we all helped keep the house tidy. He managed to get us all on the 7.30am school bus as well as picking us up at 5pm by leaving work early.
Maybe she needs to train her kids as well as her "D"H.

Hard no OP!

I’d help.
Ways in which I would help:
say ‘I’ll be over first thing’ and not arrive until 10.45
Go to the toilet for 45 minutes
put some sport on the TV and say ‘it’s nearly over though’ for 3 hours
play a wild chasing game with the children until they’re all in tears
say “oh I’ll change the baby” followed by “where are the nappies” and “and the wipes?” and “where do I do it?” and “how do I do it?” Then put the nappy on backwards and find the outfit a size to big right at the back of the drawer and say “well it was in the drawer”
Ask BIL for a cup of tea or what’s for lunch or start long conversations about mortgage rates every 10 minutes, preferably when the children are also trying to talk to him.

In reality I’d say “I can pop round for 2 hours on Sunday and take them to the park while he gets the entire house cleaned and dinner on the table. You do it by yourself, so can he”

But your BIL could ask for help

Double standards! So he goes away, she has to cope. But she goes away, he needs help. Quite pathetic really.

Hell NO!!! He doesn’t want “help” he wants you to do the lot!!! He is their father and he can parent his own children!!

Does he have different work commitments to her?

If the house is a tip on her return then BIL can tidy it then

Fuck no ! He either looks after them or those cycling holidays he loves so much can become a thing of the past . What's good for the goose and all that .

Why did this useless article reproduce four times? How can he not be able to look after his own children?

No is a complete sentence.

Having the DC on his own will be educational for BIL.

Like it was for my DH, who thought he'd get a list of DIY jobs done, and managed to paint two small walls. It shifted his perspective on just how much effort it takes to wrangle small DC and keep the house tidy and do the food and do the school and nursery runs amd mow the lawn and walk the dog and and and.

This is sad that he’s so pathetic. However I would personally help as it’s less about helping him but your sister. She will likely miss out on some time away if he’s that pathetic and suggests she doesn’t go

So has your DBIL made your DSIS ask you to stay due to him being the type of male not wanting to take care of his own DC

Or... is it actually nothing to do with him not being able to manage and more to do with your Dsis wanting to come home to a pristine house, which TBF having four DC is pretty much a big ask all round.

I would genuinely want to know how his penis gets in the way of him looking after his own children for a few days.

I'm struggling to imagine why he can't manage without help. Or why another woman has to step up.

He could ask if he needs help. DH and DGramps looked after DD when me and my mum went away. Child happy, house clean.

I would offer only for emergencies.