not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

BIL is a cyclist, so I’m willing to bet that he spends hours watching YouTube videos about how to service his bike etc. So tell him he can do the same to learn how to manage his own family.
And men expect us to accept that they are superior to us??!!

I don’t think it’s strict or controlling to expect the house to be clean and tidy.

DSis knows he will struggle so wants me to help him. The house is never pristine with 4 kids!

Yes. She has meals ready in the freezer, stocked up the fridge, done lots of prep. He does nothing when he goes away. He just goes away.

who said it was?

What is controlling and stupid is expecting the other parent to stick to your own strict rules. They are both equal parents.

The child has toast instead of cereals, so?

The child eats too late in the afternoon, so what? Dad will see if evening is a struggle and why it's easier to have a routine, mum is not here anyway. Or the evening will be a breeze and mum was a bit uptight.

The child wears a red hat and a yellow tshirt instead of the matching yellow hat?
I mean, too bad..

Maybe she shouldn’t have done anything, or someone needs to tell him (preferably a male) that he needs to step up and do the same food prep etc when he goes away next

I don't think it is the job of women to ask other women for support for fathers with their own children. It happens a lot though. Look at similar stories pp have related. This is not a rare phenomenon.

There is scant detail about the circumstances (any special needs, school hours clashing, father working very long hours, ages of children

No special needs
No clash of school hours (BIL is self employed with flexibility. Works less than full time hours DSis is SAHM)
Children are all under 8 - from age 2 to 8

And your immediate response was not to say 'Babe, are you seriously telling me you had four children with a man who isn't able to look after them himself?'

I find this gob smacking because I don’t know a single dad who’s this useless, never mind openly admit his total incompetence and claim he couldn’t care for his own children for a few days.

she could do the same.

As a mum, fair enough to put reminder about hats/ water/ sunscreem. You shouldn't have to, but better safe than sorry. A poster got her little girl back with bad sunburnt, and it's her own MIL who had her, so not all mums know best either.

Ready meals? If he's competent enough to hold a job and survive on weekends away, he can organise his own food, for him and the kids?

easy solution, she gets a part-time job and he starts doing more in the house.

It's fair that the SAH parent does a lot more than the full-time working one (literally their job), but to make it fairer, she just needs to get a job and not be solely responsible of the kids.

Less financial pressure on HIM if another adult brings a salary

Less house chore and childcare pressure on HER if another adult takes over half the load

So, by that he himself hasn't asked her to ask you, she's taken it upon herself to speak for him.

The impression I get in some of the answers on here is he's a lazy good for nothing father and has told her to ask you to come and stay...not the case?

Yes, he may struggle but so do many women, openly admitting on a day to day basis that they struggle with their own kids but don't get called lazy good for nothings, they manage.
Maybe your BIL would too.

It’s her own fault she needs to leave him too it more often
she does it day in day out and him hardly ever so he is obviously going to be hard and he’ll struggle

it’s the same as you being doing a job for years then you expect a new starter to be up to the same speed as you

the fact she won’t go unless he has reinforcements isn’t helping anyone he’ll never learn to cope

at the end of the day as long as there safe so what if she comes back to chaos

I agree.

Admittedly we don’t have 4 DC but when DC were young DH would not be needing help with DC or house if I went away. Might have asked friend to help with school runs (and we had helped them in the past) but everything else he would have coped with

anyone else would love to know what self-employed role with less than full time hours is enough to support a family of 6 with no help 😂

So essentially she wants you to babysit her husband. For four days.

I'm not a fan of this at all. How pathetic.

The worst part of it is that you’ll have to spend a weekend living with her useless husband. How bloody awkward and what an ask! Just because she puts up with his uselessness doesn’t mean you should.

Oh no. They are his children.

I would refuse to help and say exactly what you just did.

I hate the way fathers are given a pass for finding it “too hard” to manage their children by themselves.

This is really sad for her. Does she want to leave him?

I'd say yes, because she probably won't go if her useless co-parent doesnt have help.

BUT
I would either cancel last minute after shes gone on the trip & leave him to do the lot.
Or
Turn up and direct every question back to him & actually do nothing eg What are we having for tea? I dont know, ask your dad what he's organised & what time he's going to have it ready.
What shall we do this morning? I dont know what have you planned for the weekend? Ill follow your lead.

I cannot stand unless men who dont (wont) parent their own children.

Why?

Why should she know this when the husband doesn’t and he takes solo trips all the time.