not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

Did your sister harass him into having four kids or was he happy to go along with it? if he was leave him to it, if the reason he’s got four is your sister I might consider it if I wanted to help her.
We have two kids as I know 3 would have tipped me over the edge!

How long is the trip? We only have 1 child but try hard to maintain our own interests so if DH goes away for a weekend I try and get family to help on a Saturday morning so I can still go to parkrun. Is there something like this you can offer - take the kids for a couple of hours so he can go cycling or something. This is the sort of thing I would offer -
no more.

but why have kids with an idle wazzock no matter how many you do or don't want?

why?

I know a divorced man who never has all four of his children at once during his weekend contact time. Apparently he can’t manage all four at once, even though his ex-wife lives with all four practically all of the time.

He will obviously try and sleep with you, don’t you know on MN that always happens? 🤣

Ffs, women to do childcare and housework because poor man can’t cope.

If she is seriously worried that the house will be such a tip because she married someone so useless they can’t tidy up and look after the kids, then she should stay at home. This isn’t your problem to fix.

In your shoes then it would be a hard no from me. Why did he have 4 children if he can’t actually care for them?! It will do him good to stand on his own 2 feet. I’m guessing he goes away more than your sister

I'd go but then take on a purely management role eg 'BIL, make sure you pack nappies in the changing bag' 'BIL the living room needs hoovering' 'BIL, the baby needs changing'.

Why did I ask how long is the trip? because 1 night isn’t very long to manage on your own. If the trip is 5 days or something then I would really appreciate family taking DS so I could exercise in that time.

No way! Do not encourage BIL to continue to be useless. If DSis can cope, why can't he?

Say no and explain why. He’ll never appreciate everything that your sister does for their family unless he has to cope on his own for a few days. In my opinion, it’s very important that you refuse to help.

Lord above - can he not do this? Is it so hard?

She doesn't have to ask another man. If BIL wants the help, he should be asking for it.

As for not wanting the house to be a tip when she gets back, my advice to her is that if that is the case, to turn around and walk right out again. Tell him she won't be back until he's got the house in the same shape that she manages to keep it in.

Haha nooooo

but would you ask a family member to come and stay so that they could look after the children because you can't cope and wouldn't be able to keep the house tidy?

Sneaky! But a good idea 😁

Oh hell no. Absolutely not, the fact that he/they even thought this is giving me the rage on your/her behalf.

yeah see I think he would guilt her back if you did that.

This really is annoying , absolutely double standards here .
My husband has never had our 3 children by himself and of course I did it all the time .
He would be working or away and I’m expected to manage plus do all the domestic stuff too

Why do women continue to have children with these feckless men? He’d be left to cope if it was my BIL and I think your sister is cheeky asking you tbh, he fucks off on cycling holidays leaving her to cope but the poor incapable man child can’t cope? Fuck that. It would be a hard no from me and I’d be telling her not to ask again if she’s going to continue to enable his laziness.

He needs to grow up and parent his children

He sounds like he doesnt know how
It's scaffolding to enable succes stacking 🤷🏻‍♀️

2 of my fave methods that I use when teaching my toddlers new skills 🙃

Say to her you will so she can go and relax and then get a terrible case of food poisoning last
minute so he will have to cope on his own 😅

It is he who should be asking.