Dog dilemma

[TrínaCheile]

Husband has planned a trip to the football
Final in Budapest this weekend.

Our 7yo dog took really sick completely out of the blue, last Friday, was critical for a while, is now stable but still in vet hospital since Monday. Hopefully things looking more positive but don’t know if/when she might be able to come home etc. of course it’s costing a fortune but I wasn’t really thinking of that.

husband broached the subject last night of the football weekend, it hadn’t come up all week. The way he put it to me want great and got my back up a bit (he sort of flippantly mentioned me possibly having to make hard decisions on my own and also mentioned costs wracking up - giving him benefit of doubt on this) so we had an argument because i basically wasn’t giving him my full blessing to go.
I am not stopping him, never would or have, but i also wasn’t encouraging him…

tried to rationally explain this morning that not stopping him etc, but this time I didn’t think it unreasonable that I feel this way.

he brought up my weekend away with girls two weeks ago and said if that was now he would be actively pushing be out the door to try have a good time. This dog week has been anything but a good time…i don’t know what I would have done so won’t be righteous on that but my gut is feeling I couldn’t have gone.:
anyway I don’t doubt he would have been encouraging me to go - but still I feel this is a bit manipulative?

he is angry that he has to make the choice himself and will be inclined not to go given how I feel

I resent being made to feel the bad guy here..

appreciate objective views!

Yes but again there may come a point where money needs to be discussed. The savings might be near drained, insurance doesn't cover everything or might be maxed out, credit cards or finance might need to be discussed etc.

It's not always a discussion of PTS... finances still need to be discussed as adults.

Just to clarify - I never said our dog “should get better now”
That is not the case. I am hoping and praying she pulls through and the treatment worksr, but that is certainly not a given right now.

I agree.

The keyboard warriors here pretend that it's somehow good sense to sell the family home or wipe out savings in order to keep a dog alive. To leave a family impoverished long after the dog is dead.

I agree that you do need to be able to afford basic vet care. Vaccinations, parasite control, neuter, dental, basic surgery, etc.

When things get complicated, costs do add up very quickly, even with insurance. When that happens, I think it's not unreasonable to be finance to be part of the discussion.

I don't think OP's husband is unreasonable to bring this up as something that may need to be considered.

I don't think he's awful to being up costs either.

However the gay abandon of "well it's gonna be your problem not mine" IS awful.

I think I'd be encouraging DH to go in your position, but then DH would make sure he prioritised keeping in touch with me and finding ways to be on the end of a phone if I do need to chat through options. He would make sure it was our decision, not just mine. I think he can go away and still be emotionally present/supportive But I'm not sure yours can or will. He seems quite keen to wash his hands of the problem and dump it in your lap, which must feel quite shitty to you.

Is it gay abadon, though? I would agree with you if it were, but it sounds as if there is a lot of unintentional guilt-tripping by OP. He may just be being clear about his trip plans.

Honestly that’s not the case. He’s really
not cold Hearted - he just really wanted to go the football.

he went this morning. He wasn’t going to so. I told him to go. He visited DDog last night.
I feel shite enough at the moment I didnt want a layer of guilt (even if self-inflicted) sitting on top of that all weekend as well.

like I said before I don’t believe the comments about the costs or me having to make tough decisions on my own were meant to come out the way they did - I think he wa just angry at the initial reaction he got from me
i.e. a bit of incredulity rather than OF COURSE you go on head and enjoy yourself!

I was not trying to guilt him, belittle his trip (ofc it’s a big deal for arsenal fans), stop him going, stop him living his life while our dog is at deaths door, while I sit at home putting my life on hold for the dog(?!)…like some posters have accused me of.

My main issue was his frustration at me because I couldn’t, right in that moment, pack him off out the door with a pat on the back and good luck. It would have been easier to just say he was going but will be in contact etc, than mention the things he did and expect me to be happy for him!

The first few responses gave me some perspective, however, which was what I wanted. I actually wasn’t out to vilify anyone.

Honestly, I’m heartbroken. DDog is so so sick.

and for everyone concerned about us being destitute, we are not at risk of losing our house to vets bills, I promise.
we are taking specialist vet advice and as long as ddog has a chance and is strong/stable enough we will give her that. The meds need time to work. She’s only 7 and was perfectly healthy before.

Costs aside, I have no idea how he could want to go.

DH and I recently took a rare (as in, he doesn’t usually like going away, so we normally only do ‘local’ long weekends away) and expensive trip together. While we were away our child’s pet became seriously ill. While not ‘ours’ they still live at home and so we consider the pet part of our family. We flew back asap. No way we could have enjoyed ourselves at that point and were counting the hours/minutes until the plane landed. Cost a good deal as well to abandon things and come back early. No way we would have even started off if this had been the case.

I think your reaction is totally understandable. No where have you said you tried to guilt trip him into not going, so I have no idea why some posters are giving you a hard time. Why he needs you to be enthusiastic about going on his trip is bizarre, as you say, he should just go and keep in touch with you. I imagine you don't feel upbeat in general right now, so if you made a performance about being happy about him going, it would be fake. Sometimes in life the timing of events is shit and you just get through them. It doesn't mean you need to put your life on hold wailing into a hanky or overcompensate by being performatively jovial.

i hope your dog is feeling better soon.

Any news on your dog OP?

Magic up what money? We could not afford to lose the money we had paid for a holiday but our dog was far more important than a holiday.

If my DH thought a trip away whether it be for football or something else I would be furious and wonder how he could be so hard hearted. My DH though would not put himself and a trip away before a much loved pet.

Im not a football fan but I know friends /family who are and the arsenal game is a big big thing

You said dog is stable - it’s serious but treatable

hence why so many are staying to go

yes being here with you is supportive but won’t change the outcome and I get why he wants to go as it’s a huge thing to fans

Magic up money to continue indefinite care...

You've completely misread what I've said.

That's what was right for your husband. Not the OPs.

Honestly, I wouldn't have flown back if it was my mother.

And if asked I think you were crazy for doing so.

But that is all good - we all have to do what feels right for us. And that's what matters.

But how would him missing the holiday help the pet?

Possibly trips away will be a lot less likely now they have spent the money on the vets- that is putting the dog first, giving them the best chance, keeping plans doesn't change any of that.

I agree with @BudgetBuster, if you don’t want him to go, tell him and he can make his own decision. I often see on here, people wanting their other half’s to cancel plans because it’s been a bad week, your upset, tired, ill…and I think sometimes we just need to be a little more resilient and find a balance to life. Does your partner need to be physically alongside you? Can you agree about what or exactly when you may need to talk to him, and can he tell you when he won’t be available and just make it work?

OH is hardly hard done bus he’s away plenty of weekends by himself - I have never once asked him not to go or guilted him - because he well entitled to and I go too no issues.
I am pretty resilient and we have a very good fair balance..

I don’t really consider these circumstances to be “run of the mill” tired / bad week..? I don’t need OH on the end of the phone because I am booking a holiday and need him available to talk to about it before I press the button.

Our dog is critically ill and could very quickly deteriorate and die.. Maybe you don’t have pets, or if you do, feel the same way I do about mine, and that’s fine, but I think you’re also massively belittling my valid feelings (of not really wanting to be on my own if/when that happens) here.

yes I am a big resilient girl. He’s away. I’ll deal. Doesn’t mean I should be expected to be happy about it though?

"We could not afford to lose the money we had paid for a holiday but our dog was far more important than a holiday."

That makes zero sense. Everyone who goes on holiday can afford to lose the money they spend going on holiday, because at the end of the holiday they don't have the money, just the experience.

We had saved up for it and, not being very well off, really could have done without just losing all the money.

A holiday though, as nice as it may be, should not, in my view, come before a loved pet.

If I chose to go away when my pet was ill and they died I would never forgive myself for not being there for them

Exactly.

Anyway I was obviously referring to the costs of care for the dog which isn't related to already spent holiday money

What are you going to remember in 20 years time? The game, or being their for your partner and your dog?

For an Arsenal fan, I assure you he'll remember the match.

OP, having lost both pets last year (cancer in one case, heart failure in the other) I do feel for you. I hope your dog recovers and has many more happy years with you.

yes I am a big resilient girl. He’s away. I’ll deal. Doesn’t mean I should be expected to be happy about it though?

You don't need to be stroppy either though either. Throwing a strip instead of asking him to stay home, is quilting him.

The final takes place tomorrow in Budapest. Unless he's going to make an actual holiday of it, he'll probably be back on Monday at the latest. It might be another 20 years before Arsenal are in another final. Him being at home won't change the dog's prognosis. My late DH was a huge Arsenal fan, I would not have expected him to stay home under these circumstances.

So you could lose the money, you just preferred not to.

"A holiday though, as nice as it may be, should not, in my view, come before a loved pet"

I think "in my view" is the operative phrase here.

For some people their dog is their world and they will do anything to be with it and spend any money to try and save it. Even if it leads to ruinous bills.

Then at the other end of the spectrum you've got people who realise their dogs life is finite and there are limits to how much they are willing to spend and how much of their life they should postpone or cancel because it is ill and might die.

It's subjective not objective.

I'm not going to judge either, provided the animals welfare comes first in both cases, which it normally does. Most of the actions people take in both of these cases are for themselves, not for the sake of the animals.

Unless it's a case of if he goes away you can't afford to treat the dog then I think YABU tbh. Surely he's still at the other end of a phone to support if there is any decision to be made on the dog.
You're basically telling him he can't go although putting it on him, he knows you're going to be in a total strop if he does go.

I hope you’ve spoken to the vet and your dog had a good night.

I’m glad your DH has gone and if the worst should happen, he will have to live with his decision.

I didn’t spend 1 night away from my dog for 6 years, thinking that the 1 night I go away she’d die (elderly and had cancer).
In hindsight I should have not put my life on hold so much and if I had a DP who loved her too, then I would have definitely lived life a bit more.

Unless the dog takes a turn for the worst and dies or needs to immediately be PTS, then it’s highly unlikely any operations or PTS will be booked for the weekend.
If the dog does need to be PTS or need an operation it will more likely be booked for next week when he’ll be back.

You have insurance and the can afford both the dog and holiday.
You are both upset and saying things out of hurt.

You both sound like good people and you both obviously love the dog.
It’s important to not take out your upset on each other.

I really hope that your dog continues to improve and can come home soon 💐