Dog dilemma

[TrínaCheile]

Husband has planned a trip to the football
Final in Budapest this weekend.

Our 7yo dog took really sick completely out of the blue, last Friday, was critical for a while, is now stable but still in vet hospital since Monday. Hopefully things looking more positive but don’t know if/when she might be able to come home etc. of course it’s costing a fortune but I wasn’t really thinking of that.

husband broached the subject last night of the football weekend, it hadn’t come up all week. The way he put it to me want great and got my back up a bit (he sort of flippantly mentioned me possibly having to make hard decisions on my own and also mentioned costs wracking up - giving him benefit of doubt on this) so we had an argument because i basically wasn’t giving him my full blessing to go.
I am not stopping him, never would or have, but i also wasn’t encouraging him…

tried to rationally explain this morning that not stopping him etc, but this time I didn’t think it unreasonable that I feel this way.

he brought up my weekend away with girls two weeks ago and said if that was now he would be actively pushing be out the door to try have a good time. This dog week has been anything but a good time…i don’t know what I would have done so won’t be righteous on that but my gut is feeling I couldn’t have gone.:
anyway I don’t doubt he would have been encouraging me to go - but still I feel this is a bit manipulative?

he is angry that he has to make the choice himself and will be inclined not to go given how I feel

I resent being made to feel the bad guy here..

appreciate objective views!

He’s an adult and can make a decision for himself, he’s trying to guilt trip you because he wants you to say it’s ok if he goes. The girls weekend is a moot point, the dog wasn’t seriously ill when you went away. I’d be leaving him to stew in his misplaced guilty anger and yes he’s being manipulative.

Edited to add if there’s any chance your dog may not come home from the vets he’s a selfish git to leave you to make that decision on your own.

I hope your dog makes a full recovery, it’s awful when they’re ill.

Really sorry to hear about your poor dog. Have the vets been able to diagnose what’s the problem and what is the prognosis? That would potentially colour my view on this (as devoted dog owner). Also how many nights is the planned trip?

oh and is it specifically him going that is the issue? You mention that he hinted about the costs - was he actually saying that you you should make a decision sooner rather than later? Because yes no doubt the costs Will be well into four figures if your poor dog has been in hospital for a week. That would be an observation that anyone could make - it doesn’t necessarily have an agenda.

I don't think it's unreasonable to consider costs. You could easily be close to the £10k point by now, and another weekend of critical care will definitely push it that way. Also, if your dog is really that sick, is it fair to continue anyway? A lot of my view depends on your dog's condition and prognosis.
Regarding the weekend, surely it would be a joint decision anyway as you can call him and keep him informed? What is it you actually want him to stay home for? He can't offer anything practically such as taking clothes to hospital or sitting by a bedside for company, and care decisions can be discussed wherever he is.

The issue is whether you will resent him if he does go. If you would, then it's fair to let him know. He can then make a informal decision.

What is not fair is to say, it's your decision, I won't tell you if you should or not, but then use this against the person if they decide to do what they think is fair and reasonable.

Also couples can have different perspectives on this. In the same instance, I definitely know that is be a bit upset in my husband did go away, but he would genuinely encourage me to do so.

Thank you both.
Yes they know the problem. It is serious, but treatable. No no decision to be made on the dog as yet. Stable and very much in a "wait and see" situation - need the meds to now do their work and for her to start improving. But she is not out of the woods at all.
So yes it is costing money, but as long as there is a chance she comes home... Hoping no more need for the very expensive treatment elements..
I just didn't find the costs point helpful in that conversation - what was he implying? As I said benefit of the doubt on that I don't think he meant it to come out the way it did - but it got my back up.
Trip would be early Friday to Sunday.
I don't want to feel guilted into giving him my blessing to go - he doesn't need permission. But I feel its inevitable. I am already thinking along the lines of - well lets see how today goes and then... I am easily guilted - and he is stubborn (but also extremely kind, so I don't want to paint a bad picture). This one is just bugging me.

Personally I think you are being a bit stroppy. Understandable given you'll be upset by the current dog situation but you are taking it out on him... why?

Either you are happy for him to go and be contactable, or you don't want him to go. Make up your mind and stop trying to guilt him.

I wouldn't like the dynamic of my partner needing my 'permission' to do something. As you say you wouldn't stop him from going, so what is he wanting to achieve? Presumably he wants you to lie and say he should go and have a good time, then if he feels guilty that your dog took a turn for the worse whilst he was gone, he can put it back on you. That's unfair of him. Most people would naturally want their partner to stay home under the circumstances, but only if they wanted to do that rather than being under duress.

I hope your dog has a speedy recovery

I think it’s reasonable to mention costs creeping up. It’s too easy to be influenced by your attachment to an animal and continue treatment, at high cost, rather than decide to let them go. I know several friends who accumulated £1,000s in vet bills, the animal then died very soon afterwards. A cooler head could have foreseen that happening.

I speak of someone who just had their cat put to sleep after a long illness and who is also utterly besotted with my dog, but whether he goes away for the weekend or not, the cost and impact of treatment is a reasonable, if horrible, thing to consider.

Depends who's paying for it doesn't it ?

if the bills are going to be so ruinous they destroy combined savings and seriously affect the lifestyle of joint assets then it should be a joint decision.

There are practical ways at dealing with this situation.

It sounds to me like one person is saying, their is no limit to how much we should be prepared to spend if there is a chance the dog will recover. It sounds like the other person is saying, there should be a limit to how much we are prepared to spend given the dog is so ill and might not recover.

You can sort this out in advance or independently of any other activity, which is just a distraction.

And this is an issue that will come up in the future either with this dog or the next, so it is best to be clear on it.

I'm sorry your dog has been so poorly and hope they're on the mend soon.

I'd be pretty upset if DH still wanted a weekend away in that situation but if he'd spent a lot of money/time planning it, I think I'd say go but please keep your phone on all the time.

Hey thanks for responding
But I just want to be clear. This really isn’t about the cost - that was just a comment that was made quite out of context when he brought up his trip and was unhelpful in the conversation last night.

While dog is stable we are far from the stage of having to make that call and I know he would agree.

this is purely about whether I am unreasonable to express that whilst he does not need my permission to go, and of course want him to do nice things and this is a rare opportunity, I am also not really in the frame of mind where I am pushing him out the door telling him to go have a good time..

if it was about the money (which it is not) I would probably also be within my rights to point out how much the trip would cost at this time? But i don’t begrudge that so wouldn’t.

we have insurance - the bills will not ruin our lives. The dog is our family and needs a chance to improve.
I have a cool head.
Like I said this is not about the cost.

I love my dog and hate Arsenal, I'd still let him go, even more if he has a ticket and isn't just going for the atmosphere and not play games.

I think this is what it is going to have to be.
If she stays stable and hopefully improves a bit today it will be easier.
Maybe I just keep the Peace now by saying can we see what today brings..

I don’t want to feel guilted into giving him my blessing

It sounds like maybe both of you are doing a bit of guilting the other tbh.
Him saying he wants you to say it’s ok.
You saying, as per your OP, that you’re not stopping him but isn’t it understandable that you’re not keen.

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t go?

Him being there is not going to make the dog any better and so what’s the point in him cancelling his trip?

If I was him I would go and see the dog before he leaves (just in case).
Then you both need to sit down and discuss what decision to make if the vets say X, Y or Z - just in case you’re unable to get hold of him.

But he 100% needs to still go and enjoy his trip.

It does sound like you think he should feel guilty for wanting to go? I don't really understand why he needs to stay home, the dog is getting the treatment it needs so what can he change by staying at home?

I’m sorry your dog is so poorly and I hope she makes a full recovery. Personally I don’t think there is any sense in your husband cancelling his trip, he’ll, I assume, lose loads of money and there isn’t anything he can do if he stays home anyway. I’d just tell him to make sure he keeps his phone switched on in case you need to talk to him urgently if decisions need to be made. Do you have friends / family nearby for emotional support if you need it? Wishing you and your pooch all the best

I don’t think he should feel guilty for wanting to go. But Yeah perhaps fundamentally I didn’t understand him wanting to. If it was me and dog died while away I would hate that.

but that’s why I came on here - for different perspectives - otherwise I’m all up in my head, so thanks everyone for responding, it has been helpful.

It seems like you want to try to attempt to devalue his trip somehow as part punishment for him wanting to go at a time you think he should be supporting you.

What else would you expect to achieve by not endorsing his trip ?

What do you expect to gain by spoiling his trip "a little" ?

I think clearer messaging would be "I am happy for you to go on the trip" or "I am not happy for you to go on the trip". Rather than "you can go on the trip, but don't expect me to be happy about it".

Is it possible you could make the time go better by getting a friend or family over for the weekend to keep you company ?

If you were both going away then perhaps you both might decide that you need to be home just incase the dog needs to be PTS and you feel one of you should be there.

But he obviously trusts you and your judgment and knows that you’ll do the right thing.

If the dog does die 💔 then that’s something he has to live with and you should never make him feel guilty for that.

You can’t put your life on hold just in case the dog dies.

The only difference him being there would make would be that he gets to be there if the dog is PTS.
He’s obviously considered this and is ok with it - it’s not for you to judge, we all handle things differently.

It’s only a couple of days.

Honestly, I think this is an unnecessary drama at a stressful time.

I have two dogs and would not go away but I know DH would go on a pre planned trip! I’m the dogs person and ultimately any decision on the dogs future would sit with me and I would be the one to be with them. I perhaps don’t need moral support though so accept I might be different?

it’s your DH decision and he shouldn’t put it on you but I wouldn’t judge him for deciding to go

And I hope all turns out well and next week is full of doggy cuddles!

I think you’re upset about the dog and taking it out on your husband - which is understandable if not exactly fair.

His trip is booked and paid for, so he should go if that’s what he wants to do. If, heaven forbid, something awful happens with the dog then he’s the one who’ll have to live with himself.

I hope she pulls through

Sorry you're going through this OP, it's really hard. I think what's making it harder is that love for dogs is different for different people, but if it was a human relative in this situation I think it would be more clear cut. What may be utterly unfathomable to some people is actually not that big of a deal to others. I'm afraid I'm probably more on your husband's side, if our dog was unwell but I had a pre-planned trip in the works, and only for 2 nights, I would probably go but be contactable. And I would discuss with DH some potential outcomes and how I felt about them.

But DH and our dog have a much deeper bond than I do, and I'm not sure if he would go away in this situation. I think if our dog took a turn for the worse and he wasn't there he'd be devastated.

So I don't think either of you are unreasonable, you just have different feelings and priorities and I think you need to find a way to let your husband do what he wants to do without you resenting it. Otherwise you'll just be mad and upset about it if there is a bad outcome for the dog. I do hope she pulls through for you.

If my dog was sick enough she had been in the vets since Monday and my husband was thinking about football that would be the end of the relationship. It's not necessarily even about the dog (although it certainly is) it's about him being there to support you - something which other posters seem to have failed to realise.

My DH has flown home (he was a diplomat overseas until recently when he returned for a new role) every single time I've had to make the call to have a pet put to sleep - not simply because he loves our dogs, but also to be there for me and DDs.

The idea of someone actually going away from their sickly pet, and leaving a partner to deal with the grief and decision making alone, does not sit well with me and particularly for something that, quite frankly, isn't life or death.

And him asking you was manipulative - it's his way of trying to wiggle out of it guilt free if your dog does die and he's away, and if he stays and the dog is fine it'll be 'so I could have gone.'

I hope your dog pulls through, and I am sure people will say I am ridiculous for saying this - but I stand by the fact it would end a relationship if this was one of my dogs because, as I said, it shows where his priorities lay and they're not with you or the dog. I'd let him go, as he clearly doesn't give a toss, but I wouldn't forget or forgive.