Dog dilemma

[TrínaCheile]

Husband has planned a trip to the football
Final in Budapest this weekend.

Our 7yo dog took really sick completely out of the blue, last Friday, was critical for a while, is now stable but still in vet hospital since Monday. Hopefully things looking more positive but don’t know if/when she might be able to come home etc. of course it’s costing a fortune but I wasn’t really thinking of that.

husband broached the subject last night of the football weekend, it hadn’t come up all week. The way he put it to me want great and got my back up a bit (he sort of flippantly mentioned me possibly having to make hard decisions on my own and also mentioned costs wracking up - giving him benefit of doubt on this) so we had an argument because i basically wasn’t giving him my full blessing to go.
I am not stopping him, never would or have, but i also wasn’t encouraging him…

tried to rationally explain this morning that not stopping him etc, but this time I didn’t think it unreasonable that I feel this way.

he brought up my weekend away with girls two weeks ago and said if that was now he would be actively pushing be out the door to try have a good time. This dog week has been anything but a good time…i don’t know what I would have done so won’t be righteous on that but my gut is feeling I couldn’t have gone.:
anyway I don’t doubt he would have been encouraging me to go - but still I feel this is a bit manipulative?

he is angry that he has to make the choice himself and will be inclined not to go given how I feel

I resent being made to feel the bad guy here..

appreciate objective views!

Tbh it doesn’t sound like it needs two if you to look after the dog. There is no real reason he shouldn’t go (dog related) that I can see?

our dog is on 5 weeks crate rest following knee surgery. My Dh is in Portugal on holiday with my step sons, (I didn’t have enough leave left from work to go).Obviously the dog is an extra concern for me this week and much more work than he normally is, but it still wouldn’t have been reasonable to ask him not to go.

Honestly, I'm appalled he'd want to go. I couldn't imagine leaving my sick dog and not being there when they could come home, or worse to go say goodbye if I had to make that difficult decision. You are their entire world and life. How would you like to die alone with a stranger or not have the people you love most in the world waiting for you when you came home from a traumatic hospital stay?
Please don't get another pet if you're not going to respect it's a living, breathing, feeling animal.

Crate rest is different, they're home and stable. This is a dog that might not make it.

Let him go with your blessing.

You obviously love your dog a lot and want to do the best for her, but don't let that be to the detriment of human relationships.

Your husband has been looking forward to his weekend. Let him go and enjoy it.

@BeigeTowel it's the husband who is doing something detrimental to the human relationship - by leaving his partner when their dog might die. What sort of person prioritises a football match over the well-being of their partner when a much loved family pet might die?

The dog being sick is important, but the fact is it could die - and OPs husband cares more about football than supporting her through that. That's the real issue. What sort of partner does that?

It's a dog, not their child and OP has already said the dog is likely to be successfully treated.

I don't think it is reasonable to guilt him into not going on his trip because the dog might (but probably won't) die while he is away.

@BeigeTowel perhaps to you, but to OP it does matter which is entirely the point. Which you seem to have spectacularly missed, repeatedly.

Decent partners are there for their partners when they're struggling. They don't leave them. OP has said she's unhappy, and a good partner would stay - not prioritise a game of football over their partners emotional wellbeing.

But OP will be there and so the dog won’t be alone.

I assume they both work and so unless it is a planned PTS and not a sudden death, chances are neither of them would be there or be able to get there in time.

OP is not with the dog right now as it’s at the vets.
If it does die without her there, she shouldn’t feel guilty because you can’t be there all of time.

It is literally a couple of days.
Not going on the trip is not going to make a difference in the dogs health and no one should ever feel guilty for continuing to live their life.

OP’s feelings do not trump her DH’s.
It is just as much his dog as it is hers.

She chooses to stop everything she’s doing and sit at home.
DH chooses to carry on with his regular life.
Neither of them are wrong in how they handle things and it’s not for anyone else to judge.

He needs support just as much as she does.
She’s not struggling more than he is just because she shows her pain in a different way.

Of course he should go! How is him staying home fretting going to help the dog?

I think you're both being unreasonable to one another as a distraction from being upset that your dog is ill.

He wants you to endorse his decision to go to Budapest, you want him to feel guilty for leaving.

Why would pissing on his chips about th football make you feel any better?

@Jellox except her husband doesn't seem to care one way of another, does he? OP does care.That's the difference. You can't compare his feelings (or lack there of) to hers.

If one partner is hurting, the other partner should stay to support them - regardless of their own feelings. That's what you do in a marriage. Or at least in a good marriage.

A slightly different situation but my DH was away on a trip with a friend when my lovely cat suddenly had a massive seizure, I rushed her to the out of hours vet, where, after some tests was told it was likely a brain tumour, treatment to manage seizures available or surgery which would cost around £8000, the vet asked me if I wanted her PTS there and then, obviously I called DH to talk about what was happening and for support, over the next few days we talked and video called frequently, he gave me emotional support even though he wasn’t physically present, I wouldn’t have expected him not to go on the trip if this had happened just before he left.

The OP will be there and alone, no support. What kind of partner can go and have fun whilst their SO is worrying and having to deal with such stressful, emotional things? And for something so unimportant as a football match. What are you going to remember in 20 years time? The game, or being their for your partner and your dog?

And if the dog deteriorates the vets will call, and there'll be an opportunity to be there - there's not an opportunity to just fly home.

People saying "it's just a dog" please don't have pets. It's the bare minimum to be there for them when they're unwell and in pain. (If anyone says well what about work - if you can't be there for your animals, don't have them).

How does he not seem to care?

OP has not said that and you can’t tell that from any of her replies.

He is hurting too and so I don’t understand why OP’s hurt is more important than his.

@Jellox the fact he's said that OP will have to make 'tough' decisions by herself is a pretty clear indicator he doesn't give a shit tbh.

No one who loves their pet, or their partner, would ever say that.

Neither OP nor her DH can be there with the dog right now and so I think it’s really heartless of you to write something like that on the thread of a woman who is obviously struggling.
What a nasty thing to say and I think you should edit your post before OP sees it.

And OPs feelings do not trump that of her DH’s.
Why is her way better than his?

When my family member got killed I went into work as normal and I went out to a club the night after.
If I had a holiday booked I would have still gone on that too.
People deal with things differently.

It is completely up to him how he processes and deals with his dogs illness.
The dog is now getting treatment and so will likely continue to get better and so he has weighed it up and decided to still go.

OP’s feelings are not more important than his.
He needs to her to be telling him to have a good time - why aren’t you telling her that she’s in the wrong if you think one persons feelings trumps the others.

Expecting your DH to drop watching Arsenal potentially win the Champions League final in Budapest, something they have never won before, so is about as big a deal as you can get as a football fan, to simply not go, after presumably having flights, tickets and accommodation booked weeks prior is massively unacceptable on your part.

I'm an animal lover but this is something you can deal with by yourself. You've guilt tripped him over being away for a night or two and you don't know what the outcome will be with your dog yet.

@Jellox When my family member got killed I went into work as normal and I went out to a club the night after.

I won't engage with you anymore as clearly you're not able to process that not everyone handles loss and possible loss in quite the same...un-emotional way that you do. Life isn't black and white and just because you can go clubbing the night after a family member dies, doesn't mean everyone wants to be doing that.

What an odd thing to say, particularly given OP is clearly upset...

I personally would trust my partner to make the right decisions on what’s best for the dog.
I would be extremely offended if someone didn’t trust me to make tough decisions about my own dog by myself.

The dog is the main thing that matters here.
The only tough decision would be PTS and OP had said that the dog is now receiving treatment and should get better, so that it unlikely to be an option.

It is very unlikely that any decision that needs to be made eg an operation, would not be performed on a weekend and so they can discuss it when he gets back.
There are also phones that they can use to discuss things.

But ultimately the vets know best and so OP will just go on their recommendations and DH will agree.

You’re the one who is not able to process that people deal with stress in the same way.

OP is dealing with it by staying at home.
DH is dealing with it by carrying on with life.
As I’ve said, neither of them are in the wrong and no one gets to judge anyone for how they handle stressful situations.

He is no more in the wrong than she is.
I’m not sure why you can’t see that.

Plus neither of them have had a loss and it’s highly unlikely that they will have, considering OP has already said that the dog should get better now that it has started its treatment.

Just because the match isn't important to you doesn't mean it isn't important to other people.

It's a huge deal for Arsenal fans and a rare opportunity (the last was 2006 and they have never won the CL) the trip may have cost quite a bit of time and expense to organise.

I know a fan that was forced to miss their CL final by their mum (they were a teenager at the time). And yes they are still bitter about it and mention it 40+ years on.

except her husband doesn't seem to care one way of another, does he? OP does care.That's the difference

Where have you got this info from?

@BudgetBuster it's literally in everything OP has said...

'he sort of flippantly mentioned me possibly having to make hard decisions on my own and also mentioned costs wracking up '

'he is angry that he has to make the choice himself and will be inclined not to go given how I feel'

I mean it literally couldn't be clearer. His main concern is his football match, but knows she does care but wants her to tell him 'oh it's fine' so he can go burden free. What he wants is for her to say 'oh please go, don't worry about the dog or me.' Any worry he has is entirely selfish because he wants her to make the decision for him.

People who care about their dogs don't 'flippently' say things to their partners about their partners making 'hard' decisions alone and 'costs wracking up'. Nothing about this should be said flippently.

Tbh, the more I re-read it, the more I think the dog must be OPs and the DH is probably very uninvolved in it's life. People who love their dogs don't do or say what he's done and they certainly don't bugger off for a football match when their dogs still at the vets.

Funny as I read it completely different. I read it as she is being the selfish one trying to guilt him into staying but not being upfront and just asking him to stay.

he sort of flippantly mentioned me possibly having to make hard decisions on my own
I don't see the issue here... he trusts his wife to make difficult decisions. Or maybe he was trying to let her know that whilst she might need to make tough choices he will do what she needs.

also mentioned costs wracking up
This is extremely important whether or not he goes. A pet doesn't equate to an endless pot of money for most unfortunately.

Pets are important. But clearly the football game is also important. Who gets to decide which is more important? And why should anyone be made feel guilty for choosing?

@BudgetBuster

And why should anyone be made feel guilty for choosing?

Quite.

In which case, why did OPs husband ask her to make the decision for him and thus relieve himself of any possible guilt by placing it all on her? If he wants to go, he should go. But what he should never have done was ask her to make that decision.

I think you're being quite naive by not recognising his, blatant, attempts at manipulating her by absolving himself of any responsibility.