Dog dilemma

[TrínaCheile]

Husband has planned a trip to the football
Final in Budapest this weekend.

Our 7yo dog took really sick completely out of the blue, last Friday, was critical for a while, is now stable but still in vet hospital since Monday. Hopefully things looking more positive but don’t know if/when she might be able to come home etc. of course it’s costing a fortune but I wasn’t really thinking of that.

husband broached the subject last night of the football weekend, it hadn’t come up all week. The way he put it to me want great and got my back up a bit (he sort of flippantly mentioned me possibly having to make hard decisions on my own and also mentioned costs wracking up - giving him benefit of doubt on this) so we had an argument because i basically wasn’t giving him my full blessing to go.
I am not stopping him, never would or have, but i also wasn’t encouraging him…

tried to rationally explain this morning that not stopping him etc, but this time I didn’t think it unreasonable that I feel this way.

he brought up my weekend away with girls two weeks ago and said if that was now he would be actively pushing be out the door to try have a good time. This dog week has been anything but a good time…i don’t know what I would have done so won’t be righteous on that but my gut is feeling I couldn’t have gone.:
anyway I don’t doubt he would have been encouraging me to go - but still I feel this is a bit manipulative?

he is angry that he has to make the choice himself and will be inclined not to go given how I feel

I resent being made to feel the bad guy here..

appreciate objective views!

why did OPs husband ask her to make the decision for him
You've made that one up again. You are interpreting her comments to suit your narrative.

He broached the subject and she got mad at him for his use of language around making tough decisions and bringing up the costs. He said something and pissed her off, her response pissed him off. Nowhere does it mention him ASKING her for permission.

I think you are being a bit naive by not recognising that the OPs narrative here is all to make her husband out to be the bad guy when she knows what she wants but won't grow the fuck up and tell him. Instead she wants to paint it that he's not considering her when she's a grown adult who has a voice.

Neither party is right or wrong in this situation and they both need to cop on and communicate.

I would go to the football game in his position and would expect my partner to fully support my decision. These weekends only come around (for most teams) every few years if that. Perhaps you don’t appreciate the emotions and genuine life moments that come with these games.

The money comment was probably just his inner thoughts coming out during a heated discussion which can happen. A separate issue really.

@TrínaCheile I don't understand why this is even a question or issue.

He has an amazing trip booked. The dog is stable. You are a grown up and can make decisions, and if needs be you can message/call him.

You don't both need to be there.

I agree with this.
I think you’re being a bit unfair. Your behaviour has clearly made him feel bad about wanting to go. Something he’s planned for and got excited about and you appear to be hinting (even in a nonverbal manner) that you don’t want him to go to and that he’s a bad dog parent for still wanting to go.
Him giving up this event won’t change the outcome. Send him off with your blessing and let him enjoy it.

Arsenal were last in the final in 2006. So quite some time ago. I would not worry about him going, if the dog deteriorates him being around will change nothing.

I would not be happy if my DH decided to go BUT I know for certain he would not. No way would he go away if our dog were ill.

Doesn't sound like he cares much for the dog. Also what if the worst happens is OP meant to deal with it on her own?

I completely agree.

The dog’s health is very likely to improve now that it is getting treatment.
The dog having a negative turn would be just as likely as if it didn’t need to go to the vets in the first place.
The only difference is that it is now surrounded by vets and nurses, who can keep and eye on it and treat it faster than if it was at home.

He obviously trusts OP and she has said that he is a kind man.
They would discuss scenarios before he leaves and she can ring him if it’s any different.

It’s literally a couple of days, not a couple of weeks.

I would never even consider guilt tripping my DP, mum, sister etc for doing something that they’d enjoy just in case their pet died.

"he is angry that he has to make the choice himself"

That's pretty childish.

I dont think it os selfish for him to.ho away but you are also not selfish for wishing he wouldn't. Assuming his trip is paid for it would be a huge waste of money. I also think meant it may not be in the animals best interest to not cap the vets expenditure. One of the hardest parts of pet ownership is accepting the end.

We had a trip planned to Singapore and just as we were about to book it, our darling dog was diagnosed with bone cancer. So all plans were cancelled - there was no way on earth we would have gone.

We did a bucket list for our dog who was given between 1 and 3 months to live. He only managed two things on his bucket list as he deteriorated rapidly and had to be put to sleep a week after diagnosis.

Your husband is selfish - selfish for viewing the dog in that way - going on about costs when he has his grand plans to go abroad himself. And he is even more selfish for putting this on you when he should be supporting you.

Your husband is selfish - selfish for viewing the dog in that way - going on about costs

Please share how you planted your never ending money tree

Mm..

It sounds like he wants you to actively tell him to go, so that he is not responsible for making decisions and can be guilt free whatever happens.

Life doesn't work like that when you're an adult with dependents, no matter what species that dependent is.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐

If the dog was going to die then I would understand cancelling the trip but their dog is stable and has lasted the week, having got through the worst of it and has improved.

The dog is now on treatment which should mean it gets better.

Of course no one can predict what’s going to happen and the dog could take a turn for the worst but it’s much more likely that the dog will continue to improve and come home, or they’ll decide to PTS, in which case they won’t make that decision by tomorrow and highly unlikely to do it on a weekend (unless it’s an emergency in which case even OP may not be able to get there in time).

In your scenario, I would have definitely cancelled my trip.
In this scenario, I wouldn’t (as long as there was a competent person still at home).

Na, I'm not going to remove it, there's nothing nasty in there. It's very fair and the truth. Yes they can't be in the room right now, but vets normally let visits - especially if anything goes south.

As for are OP's feelings more important than their DP's? On average no, but their DP should have the emotional intelligence to realise they need to be supportive here and emotional distress is something that could significantly and permanently alter the relationship.

I just can't fathom anyone who would put a sport over a member of their family that may or may not be there when they get back from the trip.

I've had a similar situation as a kid, I was told they'd make it and pull through, be there when I got back. So I went. When I was away and heard the news, it killed me not to be there, not to be able to get back in time. They also had my parents there, but I was their person and I wasn't there for them, I didn't get to say goodbye. I regret that every single time I look at my current pets and when ever they go through a surgery or situation they look at me for comfort and presence. They're in our lives for a short time, but we are their whole lives.

The dog isn't out of the woods and the DP has floated and implied that the costs of care might lead to PTS anyway.

Firstly very sorry about your dog.

I wouldn’t care if he went or not, but I’d be making it clear I’d be spending whatever it took to get my dog well (provided within best interests, the dog is 7 not 12- depends what’s wrong, recovery etc). Seeings though he’s leaving that decision to you…. I’d be inwardly seething to be honest, but it is what it is. My DH travels a lot with a well paying hobby, that’s become an income.

For me and DH our pets are more important than money and we are very far from well off.

We have cancelled a couple of holidays over the years due to one of our pets being ill. Never even thought about going on the holidays.

It’s a planned trip. You said it’s treatable so def let dh go - tho he doesn’t need your permission as such

but you should be able to contact him while away incase situation changes

sorry to hear Woofa is poorly

"Pets are important. But clearly the football game is also important. Who gets to decide which is more important? And why should anyone be made feel guilty for choosing?"

If a living breathing creature is less important that being at an event then don't have any responsibility for another living breathing creature. Simple. I would be worried about a person being a sociopath if they lacked care and empathy sufficiently for an animal in their family to this level. The manipulation the OP's partner is expressing (wanting her to have the full emotional burden and guilt of giving him permission to go regardless of what happens) is narcissistic and shows what kind of an emotionally immature person he is. Ultimately he's putting his FOMO first.

This. His weekend has nothing to do with a poorly dog. If it was a child, then it might be different. But, it’s not. 🤷‍♀️

Good insurance and savings for other things - if you can't afford to insure or pay vet fees, don't get a pet. PTS should be because it's the right thing to do for the wellbeing of the animal. Not because you haven't provisioned appropriately to supply care to the animal.

The dog is being treated, there is nothing that says the dog is going to die imminently.

There are three things 1) He's mentioned costs. If they can't afford to continue treatment that's PTS, the dog dies. 2) My continued narrative is being there for the dog for allowed visits, for when they return home. 3) The dog could go down hill, OP hasn't expanded on what is wrong with the dog.

Honestly, I do not know how the DP could go away and not be wracked with guilt the whole time.

That's great for you... not everyone can magic up the money though no matter how important it is.

Cancelling the last minute trip won't free up loads of cash.

his weekend aside you both need to decide at what point you will let dog go, or not.
It’s important one or two of you are there if that choice has to be made - my advice would be to consider in advance when the scales would tip enough for it to be the end. It’s horrible to make that decision but it’s even more horrible if it’s rushed and you don’t have time to consider it properly. So consider it now.

If it is the end, and he isn’t there, it shouldn’t mean your dog sufffers more. What I mean by that is decide where your lines are healthwise for dog and don’t allow him to have to wait until your DH is back (if he goes). You will regret that in the long run.
there is quite a clear line for me when pets are better off alive or not (I have a lot of experience with old animals) and I’d recommend thinking about that now incase he doesn’t get better.
i really hope he does recover though 🩷🩷🩷

your husband sounds selfish. And for the football!!! tell him the dog has been your four legged best friend for a short part of your lives. You have been his best friend all of his life.
hugs xx