To take DD out of school for last half of term if year 6 due to bullying ? Or am I being precious?

[Lalalouloulee1]

Hi im at my wits end. Moved both children to an all through independent school during lockdown. Massive stretch for us. Ds 16 year 11 has been mostly happy, lookihg forward to 6th form, nice easy going cohort, parents fine. Dd's year group has been mostly cliquey and unfriendly since we joined in year 1 - girls and parents - and her main friend group of 3 others all left due to vat at the end of year 4. Numbers have shrunk down so that there are only 10 girls left in her year group and she just has no friends. I don't understand it - wherever we go she makes friends, we have family friends, she gets on well with all the family, cousins etc - she's sweet, friendly, funny, also likes sport dancing drama etc - of course she can be a pita but by no means the worst. I am so sad that she is loathed by her year group who mock her every day - school does nothing and we have saying she is being bullied for the past year. We are obviously moving her for secondary. She has cried every night this HT saying she has no friends there, how embarrassed she is every day how she begs these mean girls to be kind - it's so hard to hear. I just want to say you know what you don't need to go back in after half term. Between us and WFH we think it wouldn't be a problem and we could do a whole load of summery things and then start afresh in sept. Would this be so bad? Would it be awful for her to miss the leavers stuff? I was bullied really badly at school I'm neurodivergent I think it's likely she is too does this mean we just have a target on our back in institutions for being different, needy, not understanding everything immed? I'm so scared for her and so frightened this could take a turn for the worse and can't bear to see her so down on herself and without any friends or allies in a school she has been at for 6 years. Or is this a life lesson she just has to suck up?

My child was also going to be leaving within a couple of months. This took place from roughly Easter in the last term of primary.

I'm unsure what point you're making about fees. Regardless of whether a school is fee-paying or not, it is still legally obliged to have an anti-bullying policy and uphold it. Ditto whether any children involved are planning to stay on at the school or leave. The victim doesn't suddenly become a problem to be removed if they are being bullied by children who are planning to remain at the school.

Neither was I 'standing up against' any parents. It's the school's job to deal with bullying. I merely made the school enforce their anti-bullying policy.

Yes do it. She's endured enough hardship and Im sure she has developed some resilience. I would frame it as entirely your decision though (to avoid giving her the idea of walking away from hard things - though I do agree with a pp saying it's okay to walk away from toxic environments). Id be inclined to say it's because youre not happy with the teaching or pastoral support or that you want to go on a trip soon or max out on time together before she grows up etc.

@Imanautumn A robust slt could deal with bullying. With falling numbers, they want the remaining dc to stay. They are not going to annoy the majority. They should deal with it of course but it’s easier not to.

Pull her out, report the school for failing at safeguarding. Her mental health is priority. Some children are just nasty and enjoy tormenting others. The problem is those bullies, not your child.

I really appreciate the supportive words on th is thread - it means a lot. By coincidence DD did an activity week over ht, made lots of friends (all younger actually but maybe that was a good thing for confidence) and I even met some nice mums and had a drink with them! It was so nice! One of them had even left our school a few years ago due to bullying and said the difference was like night and day in her DD when she went to her new school so I just pray the same happens for us too. Thank you all again- feel much steadier in supporting her and listening to her.

If I were you, I’d take your DD out of this school. Secondary school will probably be a more positive experience for her.
We moved DD to a new school early-ish in Y6. Best thing we could’ve done. She’s now flying in Y7. Sometimes you just get year groups that do not gel and some kids are left out or bullied.

It teaches her that her mum will do what she can to protect her and that she doesn’t have to accept a horrible situation.

My mothering instincts would tell me to do it. My logical brain worries that if she encounters any difficulties in secondary school then she’d expect the same treatment (I.e, being homeschooled which may not be sustainable).

It’s a tough one, op. Has she got friends or peers she can spend time with if you take her out of school? It could harm her social skills by keeping her in that dreadful environment, but it could also harm her social skills and her resilience by taking her out and getting her used to not being around other peers. If she has friends outside school then I think I would be inclined to homeschool her for the rest of term.

I think it teaches her that you don't have to just put up with being unhappy. And also that you have her back and will advocate for her. Take her out. There's no benefit to her staying there whatsoever.

I was bullied as a child and have gone on to have a lovely life with lots of friends. If you think she may be neurodiverse then I would investigate what you can do to help her, but in terms of this immediate situation, yes, definitely take her out.

This is what I would do too. Sure, she won't know people well for the leaving activities, but she may at least start to form some bonds with others going to the same high school as her. I'd be in touch with the high school to be sure of what their main feeder primary is and enroll her there.

What have you decided to do?

Yes I know. I was bullied at school. It’s not uncommon sadly 🤷‍♀️

Thing is you can be bullied in the workplace as well. Obviously there is potentially the option of leaving if you can get another job but that’s not always that straight forward. You need at least some resilience.

That’s really good and gives you positivity for starting a new school!

It's not something that anyone should have to tolerate and it takes quite enough resilience to call it out by following protocol.

I'm a primary school teacher, and am usually pretty "pro school" and "pushing through hard things", but I think I'd also lean towards de-registering her and homeschooling.
Speaking from experience, by this point in Year 6, the "learning" is basically done, and it's just glorified dicking around for 6-7 weeks. It's all "leavers" focused, and if anything, that can just widen and emphasize the friendship gap, and potentially leave your DD feeling even more alone and anxious. This coming half term should be one of the happiest of her young life, and if it's not going to be, then I'd keep her off.

All the people going "you're breeding a future school refuser", I'd disagree. You're showing your DD that you have her back and believe her word. Then you'll be sending her off in September, feeling confident, supported and ready. Rather than anxious and fearful.

And I'd strongly consider putting in a formal complaint to the school, and whatever the body is that monitors private schools. The private school version of OFSTED. And whenever your oldest DD has finished with her schooling there, tell your experiences of the school to anyone who will listen.

I’m not saying it should be tolerated but you have to face up to it. Calling it out (either officially or unofficially) is a good course of action and is actually the sort of thing I was thinking of 🤷‍♀️