To take DD out of school for last half of term if year 6 due to bullying ? Or am I being precious?

[Lalalouloulee1]

Hi im at my wits end. Moved both children to an all through independent school during lockdown. Massive stretch for us. Ds 16 year 11 has been mostly happy, lookihg forward to 6th form, nice easy going cohort, parents fine. Dd's year group has been mostly cliquey and unfriendly since we joined in year 1 - girls and parents - and her main friend group of 3 others all left due to vat at the end of year 4. Numbers have shrunk down so that there are only 10 girls left in her year group and she just has no friends. I don't understand it - wherever we go she makes friends, we have family friends, she gets on well with all the family, cousins etc - she's sweet, friendly, funny, also likes sport dancing drama etc - of course she can be a pita but by no means the worst. I am so sad that she is loathed by her year group who mock her every day - school does nothing and we have saying she is being bullied for the past year. We are obviously moving her for secondary. She has cried every night this HT saying she has no friends there, how embarrassed she is every day how she begs these mean girls to be kind - it's so hard to hear. I just want to say you know what you don't need to go back in after half term. Between us and WFH we think it wouldn't be a problem and we could do a whole load of summery things and then start afresh in sept. Would this be so bad? Would it be awful for her to miss the leavers stuff? I was bullied really badly at school I'm neurodivergent I think it's likely she is too does this mean we just have a target on our back in institutions for being different, needy, not understanding everything immed? I'm so scared for her and so frightened this could take a turn for the worse and can't bear to see her so down on herself and without any friends or allies in a school she has been at for 6 years. Or is this a life lesson she just has to suck up?

Absolutely the opposite in fact.
My son was treated as a punching bag by the students and had a verbally abusive and neglectful teacher during year 6. He was literally pushed to the edge (he is also autistic) and kept coming home saying he wanted to kill himself, he tried a few times. This was all reported to the police.
At secondary school he ahas blossomed into a wonderful young man, very very popular with all his year group (7). Frequently invited to parties, goes to hang in a massive group of boys and girls (I think he may have a “girlfriend” too in that way 11/12 year olds have) doesn’t have any bother with anyone. His year 8 best friend is female and she hangs out with him on the playground, because he has a much larger group of friends. He even has a few friends in year 9/10. He’s much taller than his age would suggest (5ft 5 at 11 with adults size 8 feet) and already looks like a 14 year old. Hes started shaving his moustache and is really into rugby so has a super slim build too.
It has literally been chalk and cheese the difference between primary and secondary, so as long as you get a decent secondary please don’t think on for another second.

Are you sure it’s nothing to do with her? You’ve described her as ‘sassy’. I think it bears looking at what part of this is hers. Have you spoken to the head of pastoral care? Asked for their honest opinion of the dynamic?

What does it teach her - that life is too short to put up with shit! That she doesn’t just have put herself in a damaging position.

If (and a massive if) she becomes a school refuser then you could be second guessing yourself till the cows come up - was it because she missed a half term, was it because of the bullying. If she stayed for the half term you would also be second guessing yourself!

Due to moving countries my kids once had a 13 week summer holiday, didn’t do either of them any harm. Make sure she keeps active - both body and mind. She is probably still young enough for a summer project without rolling her eyes too much. Something you could do together - my dd learnt to sew and made some simple clothes.

Guides could be a good good to join to keep social contact going, especially if you can find any from the feeder school going there.

I wouldn’t enrol her elsewhere - that will just make her stand out, start fresh in September,

Exactly.
Some people will just not fit anywhere, others will always be popular in any situation - for the vast majority (and I am willing to bet your dd)its a time and place thing. Nearly everyone will have some experience of an unfriendly workplace/cloque/school group even if theyve otherwise spent the rest of their life "fitting in". My sister was always extremely sociable and popular throughout school, university, then made friends wherever she went whether travelling or in work - but was in tears after a meet up with a group of unfriendly mums after having her first DC.

TBH given it sounds like this has been happening since she started and got much worse in the 2 years since her friends left, I'm not sure why you haven't moved her earlier. It would have been better to have moved her after the end of year 5 so shed have a whole school year to get to know her peers for secondary, and also to hit the school where it hurts by losing them money financially.

I think she needs to learn how to deal with difficult/nasty people rather than hiding from them just because she wont necessarily be able to do that as an adult
Begging bullies to be kind it kind of a bad plan for example. It’s like a red flag to a bull.

It sounds like there’s a culture of bullying in that year group at least, weak leadership, ineffective bullying policies, and very few girls there - so it’s naturally harder to find someone with whom she could ‘gel’. You’re paying £15k plus for this. In your shoes I would take her out and homeschool her if that’s an option, and use it as an opportunity for 6 weeks of enrichment and confidence building - London museums, theatre trips, science centres, walk up a mountain, climbing wall, dry ski slopes, art galleries, a daily sport (I once did a swimming challenge with mine during an Easter break and we had to swim 40 lengths a day for 2 weeks - they loved it - I was knackered, but much fitter than I’d been 2 weeks earlier!), read a book a week (e.g. from the year 8 English lit. syllabus), some cooking lessons, online coding class, online touch typing lessons, or any/all/none of those. It would be a great opportunity to spend some quality time together learning.

I would lodge and official complaint with the school as they should be dealing with the bullying.

I would indeed take your daughter out of this environment in the meantime. Her well-being is more important and it is showing her that she does not have to put up with poor treatment.

Just let her leave and make sure she continues to do some work at home.

Don't be daft.

She has no power as a lone teenager to 'deal' with this on her own if the school just allows bullying and she is picked on by a group of people.

I did exactly the same with my dc. They didn’t do their SATS and it was not the end of the world.

They started Y7 and were put in top sets after their CAT results.

Yes de-register her. Get her some workbooks to prepare for secondary, get her to do lots of reading.

Get her out of that toxic enviroment
Is a offer of online schooling or home schooling?
A local group with similiar aged peers to join?
It must be heart breaking
What a nasty bunch
All the schools my family have & are at have all walks of life..why can theyget away with it.
What does the school actually do?
No torment is worth enduring in life.

The lasting impact from bullying can be catastrophic.

You mention that she has begged the mean girls to be kind. Do you think that she has literally begged, because girls of that age can often spot what they perceive to be needy behaviour and exploit it.

If you are able to get her into a feeder school for the secondary school,, it would be an opportunity to at least find some familiar faces in September. If there are no spaces, I agree that local activities now and over the summer could help her make some connections.

I was badly bullied in primary school but was not bullied at all at secondary school, despite going to the same school as my main bully. So please don't assume this will happen at the next school.

Also, although I had a crap time at primary school, it hasn't affected me long term at all. I have no issues with confidence/self esteem/mental health. Mainly because I got so much love and support at home.

There's nothing wrong with your lovely girl. It definitely doesn't follow that she'll be bullied at senior school, but bullies sniff out emotional weakness and target it.

I'm sorry I dont have a solution here, I think you have to consider what will do most damage - continuing there or pulling her out and running the risk that she'll want to back out of any other difficult situations that might arise on the future.

I saw an ad on SM recently for some resource about helping your child be happy and resilient despite unhappy school experiences. Perhaps try and google that (sorry for the ineloquent description there!).

Sorry this is happening, some people are vile shits.

Yanbu, pull her out. I'm reading into this that she's going to state secondary? Given you're going to be making massive savings on that could you or DH take a sabbatical and take some time off to do fun stuff with her through the summer?

One of mine had a similar experience, senior school was better, sixth form better again. I regret not pulling them out of the primary as the damage carried on for years after the bullying stopped.

I hope you work it out.

OP, I understand your concerns and the advice of those who say take her out of school, but do you really want to be giving the message that if something’s tough, then you run away? You say, “she's also really sad about leaving” - surely they will be doing some fun stuff/trips away towards the end of term? Do you want her to miss out on that? Your DD knows you have her back because you’ve already raised the issue with school - have a serious talk with her about what would make things better for her and how you can help,to bring that about. She knows there’s an end in sight if she’s going to a different school after the summer - maybe she just needs to grit her teeth annd get to the end of term in order to have a proper “ending”.

Yes take
her out and ideally put her into the feeder school

DO teach her that we can remove ourselves from
bad situations and find something better

do show her you have her back

an 11 year old bullied child doesn’t need to show resilience, support and love is what builds coping mechanisms

School is doing nothing - you take her out and look after her ready to start at the new school in September. By listening to your DD and having her back, she is less likely to be a school refuser than if you keep forcing her into an unsafe situation.
Now SATs are over, am pretty relaxed about my DD being in school but this is due to the class teachers behaviour towards my DD rather than other children!

My mother took me out of school for the last 6 weeks of term 45 years ago. I was horrifically bullied and we were moving anyway so I was going to start high school. I don’t remember the details except that she went to the school and made the arrangements with the approval of the head and my teachers. I will always remember her standing up for me.

Listen to Taylor Swift song The Best Day there’s a verse in there about how her mum responded when she was excluded by her friends at 13

What are the practical implications? Will it impact on your older daughter's continuation at the school? Have you definitely got a clear contract with the next school? Are you willing to take the hit on loss of fees?

She still has to be in full-time education if you de-register her from the current school until end of term. So you must be able and prepared to do this for yourselves at home. Note, it doesn't have to look like 'school at home'.

At the end of the day, her health is paramount. There are no medals here for grin and bear it. Focus on building up her self-confidence, perhaps explore the possibility of neurodivergence. These issues often start to become more evident for girls around adolescence. Better to pre-empt possible increasing difficulties - you're listening to your child and now have the advantage of reacting in a constructive way rather than potentially picking up pieces later.

Okay so in secondary when she’s not made friends on the first day and refuses to go in, then what?

”But mum you let me miss a whole half term of school, a day won’t matter”

You then have a school refuser on your hands. It’s not nice, but she needs to go in and finish learning. Lots of treats after school and at the weekends. Don’t enable her to just give up when she finds things hard.