To take DD out of school for last half of term if year 6 due to bullying ? Or am I being precious?

[Lalalouloulee1]

Hi im at my wits end. Moved both children to an all through independent school during lockdown. Massive stretch for us. Ds 16 year 11 has been mostly happy, lookihg forward to 6th form, nice easy going cohort, parents fine. Dd's year group has been mostly cliquey and unfriendly since we joined in year 1 - girls and parents - and her main friend group of 3 others all left due to vat at the end of year 4. Numbers have shrunk down so that there are only 10 girls left in her year group and she just has no friends. I don't understand it - wherever we go she makes friends, we have family friends, she gets on well with all the family, cousins etc - she's sweet, friendly, funny, also likes sport dancing drama etc - of course she can be a pita but by no means the worst. I am so sad that she is loathed by her year group who mock her every day - school does nothing and we have saying she is being bullied for the past year. We are obviously moving her for secondary. She has cried every night this HT saying she has no friends there, how embarrassed she is every day how she begs these mean girls to be kind - it's so hard to hear. I just want to say you know what you don't need to go back in after half term. Between us and WFH we think it wouldn't be a problem and we could do a whole load of summery things and then start afresh in sept. Would this be so bad? Would it be awful for her to miss the leavers stuff? I was bullied really badly at school I'm neurodivergent I think it's likely she is too does this mean we just have a target on our back in institutions for being different, needy, not understanding everything immed? I'm so scared for her and so frightened this could take a turn for the worse and can't bear to see her so down on herself and without any friends or allies in a school she has been at for 6 years. Or is this a life lesson she just has to suck up?

I'm so pleased to hear your lovely sister blossomed - that makes me very happy to hear

Sometimes it’s just not the right cohort. Dd2 never really thrived socially at primary not bullied just didn’t meet like minded girls. She used to read her book in the library and hung out with some of the lovely boys. At secondary she developed a huge friendship group which has continued now she’s never in parties every weekend house full of friends. So don’t extrapolate it will necessarily be an ongoing issue.

We moved child for year 6 and it was better but still not great, but she wasn’t bullied. Her attendance was always up and down at primary at both schools. Her secondary she loves - she’s made a small but lovely group of friends and seems to get on fine with the others even if they are never going to be best buddies.

Id prioritise her wellbeing - it will only be a few weeks left now anyway - take her out and start fresh in September!

Does she know any of the girls going to her new school? I would take her out, let her be happy and build up confidence - as well as trying to meet girls at the new school - whether via feeder school or outside.
I am a teacher by the way!

I expect it is the tiny year group that is the issue.
My friend's daughter loved school until the year group shrank down to a similar size and then it quickly became toxic
She's much happier at a big secondary where everyone can find their tribe

I haven’t read the responses but, take her out. Life is too short. My thought has always been to remove my kids if things weren’t working in school. I’ve never had to do it but I would at the drop of a hat. I know it’s easier said than done, but bullying grinds people down and we need to realise we shouldn’t put up with it. You’re being a great mum.

I would see if I could get her into wherever the girls that will be in her secondary school go. Even just half a term could be beneficial socially.

Do it.

As reassurance... Dzd had tge same. Just never gelled with her class, and the social exvlusion became rrally obvious in Yr6.

She has a very pleasant group of friends in Secondary. And this is the school all her primary class went to. The old "QueenBees" are not so popular in the diluted setting either. Others have grown up.

Yes, I’d be trying everything else first before taking her out of school.

But it IS ok to walk away from bad situations! Surely that’s a good messsge!

This child has tried and tried. The one thing we cannot control is the behaviour of others. For whatever reason this girl is “out”. Dealing with that exclusion on a daily basis must be awful and actually quite damaging.

I have a slightly different view. Year 6 is a tough year for many reasons - they are all sick of each other and ready to move on and meet new people. My guess is your daughter won’t be the only kid experiencing tension and friendship issues and bullying. What I have seen over the years though is the final term sees a shift. They know they are leaving and all pressure is off. It’s busy with rituals such as parties etc. it can help to go through those moments to properly say goodbye to the school and its people. Leaving too soon would mean that she will always know that she didn’t complete the year and that memory might last longer than any short term tough ones. It’s a hard call but I’d be tempted to get support from school for her to stay at least for key days.

Private schools often finish sooner. How long is actually left after half term? While low attendance can lead to a referral, that would require a really low percentage over the year or several weeks without explanation.

I’d take each day as it comes…

Please remove her if that’s what she wants. Her mental health is the most important thing here. Focus on building her back up ready for secondary school.

My LO’s are still pre-school age but I work with older children who are school refusers due to burnout/bullying and I already know that I won’t hesitate to remove mine at any stage and especially where school aren’t doing their job. She doesn’t need to be exposed to bullying to develop resilience or learn how to deal with things as others suggest.

Even in a state school this wouldn't be a problem - you would just take the child off the roll and say you will be home educating for half a term.

I would get her out of there ! That way you can work on repairing her self esteem before yr 7 x

The advice to stay is wrong and slightly sadistic. Would you stay somewhere nobody liked you despite your best efforts and you cried every night as a result? Because I bloody wouldn’t!

Op I would.

I work in an all through girls school and it can be brutal for some of them.

You might find the feeder school is very happy for half a terms fees right now too. Every penny counts.

Yes I would pull her out. But I would make absolutely sure she does loads of stuff with other kids now, before the summer holidays (when everything will dry up). You want to make sure that her confidence isn’t knocked and that she practises socialising so she’s not at a disadvantage when she starts secondary. Things like home schooling groups, youth groups, after school clubs etc. And maybe a couple of holiday camps in line with her interests. And also obviously keep up the basics like English, reading and maths.

She might feel sad to leave early on one level but I can almost guarantee that the sequence of leavers parties, shows and assemblies will be pure torture if she’s already being bullied.

It might even be worth some counselling as this attitude that she has to change to make people like her is so sad- if they are horrible people nothing she can do will help and of course she should just be herself and accept that not everyone will like her. Difficult to accept at her age but it might be worth trying to get this across.

Good advice there. Sadly attempts to make people like you has the opposite effect. Dh taught our two DDs that. If someone is unkind you walk away. If that means being on your own so be it. Hence dd2 reading in the library at primary rather than be a hanger on. It gives you strength.

Both our late teens have strong brilliant large friendship groups despite wobbles along the way - but this advice is the bedrock of that.

Take her out and focus your energy on smoothing her path into year 7. Look forward not back.

Girls are very cliquey then. I’ve always been relatively popular and I remember a time around year 4-5 when I didn’t have a best friend and felt very Lonely, it happened again around year 8, when the best friend Diads reshuffle.

I would home school her but see if you can get her into any after school activities that she enjoys like brownie guided etc for the next half term to build up her confidence with friends her age. And a couple of weeks of school holiday playschemes.

also see if you can get playdates organized with the new school peers.

I would also (if you can afford) book and incredible holiday for June while prices are cheaper and take her on an adventure!

Pull her out. The argument about it teaching her to run away from difficult situations is bollocks imo. It will teach her that you have her back, that you take her needs seriously, and that she doesn’t have to stay in situations where her wellbeing is at stake. Those are valuable lessons.

I hated 6th form for similar reasons. I stayed for A levels and then left. Didn’t bother with Leavers’ Ball etc…. Missed out on all those end of school things. Zero regrets. I was so happy to go to uni 3 months later without the baggage of that school. I’d take her out if that’s what she wants. And make it very clear to the school why. Might also becwirthvrrporting to the independent schools regulator.

Can you give her attention during the school day if she doesn’t go back? If so, make it special Mummy-daughter time. Go on outings, cook together, play board games, do painting, make a costume… Honestly, you will look back on it as a glorious month.