To take DD out of school for last half of term if year 6 due to bullying ? Or am I being precious?

[Lalalouloulee1]

Hi im at my wits end. Moved both children to an all through independent school during lockdown. Massive stretch for us. Ds 16 year 11 has been mostly happy, lookihg forward to 6th form, nice easy going cohort, parents fine. Dd's year group has been mostly cliquey and unfriendly since we joined in year 1 - girls and parents - and her main friend group of 3 others all left due to vat at the end of year 4. Numbers have shrunk down so that there are only 10 girls left in her year group and she just has no friends. I don't understand it - wherever we go she makes friends, we have family friends, she gets on well with all the family, cousins etc - she's sweet, friendly, funny, also likes sport dancing drama etc - of course she can be a pita but by no means the worst. I am so sad that she is loathed by her year group who mock her every day - school does nothing and we have saying she is being bullied for the past year. We are obviously moving her for secondary. She has cried every night this HT saying she has no friends there, how embarrassed she is every day how she begs these mean girls to be kind - it's so hard to hear. I just want to say you know what you don't need to go back in after half term. Between us and WFH we think it wouldn't be a problem and we could do a whole load of summery things and then start afresh in sept. Would this be so bad? Would it be awful for her to miss the leavers stuff? I was bullied really badly at school I'm neurodivergent I think it's likely she is too does this mean we just have a target on our back in institutions for being different, needy, not understanding everything immed? I'm so scared for her and so frightened this could take a turn for the worse and can't bear to see her so down on herself and without any friends or allies in a school she has been at for 6 years. Or is this a life lesson she just has to suck up?

This is what I'd do OP. No way would I keep her in a school where she is being bullied, but I think getting "straight back on the horse" so to speak in a new school would be the best way to avoid school refusal in the future. I'd be asking the new school about how they manage bullying and making them aware of what she has been through, and asking what they can do to support her to make a positive start with new friends.

That the new school recognises and tackles bullying is essential. I've worked in primaries with virtually no bullying (as in, nobody being repeatedly and deliberately targeted, of course all schools have squabbles) because the entire school had an anti-bullying ethos that envelopes the children from the year they join.

As a teacher, I've integrated quite a few kids who have moved to my class due to bullying in another school. I do quite a lot actively to make sure they are given a warm welcome by classmates- most teachers will be happy to do things like assigning a kind and sensible buddy, encouraging her into clubs where she'll meet like-minded friends etc if they're aware of the issues.

Good luck OP, I hope your DD finds a school where she is welcomed and accepted.

I'd take her out.
I wouldn't want to, but I think it would ultimately be my reluctant decision given everything you've said.

SATs are done now. Missing this last half term isn't going to make a huge amount of difference and the leaving activities will be bittersweet.

I was bullied horribly and my year 6 leavers book, which was for everyone to sign and write in that I was supposed to keep and treasure forever, has nasty comments in it from stupid kids that probably don't even remember me. I can't look back on it with fondness. Even the "nice" comments are generic, clearly just being polite. Noone actually really "liked" me. What good is that for your DD?

I was bullied all through primary and even worse in year 7&8, until I moved away at the end of year 8. Horrible comments and actions have stayed with me and effected me for life, from kids just having fun who won't remember now.

Bullying damages children. It's rubbish that it builds resilience. It doesn't. It destroys confidence and self worth. Avoid it as much as possible.

I was bullied for three years after a house move and no I don’t think you should put your daughter through it anymore. It changes you literally, your brain rewires off the back of it and it certainly changed my personality forever. I did end up going to a secondary school where no one of those kids went and it was fine. No bullying at all and I was very happy.

I would be looking around to see what schools locally have places. I moved my child at the end of year 4 and they have settled in well and are thriving. There was no bullying, I moved them for other reasons,, but the school I chose was very small and pastoral and it’s been excellent for their wellbeing.

if you could find a commutable school with a real focus on things like forest school and anything not academic I would do that. Just let your daughter take a breather.

Admit I find it concerning that there are still those that believe a child should be pushed repeatedly into a miserable environment for “resilience”. This child is crying every night.

Hopefully they would never actually do that to their own child baffles me why they advise others to do it to theirs.

Also I don’t think secondary schools do forest schools. None here do anyway

A few moved to our state primary in year 6 for similar reasons and did brilliantly
Worth a try.
My daughters' and friends were very excited for new people

They absolutely should not be allowed to avoid a tough situation, because OP guarantees that their child will never go to school again if they do that.

Absolute nonsense.

It’s not though is it.

The second the DD decides she doesn’t like the new school it’ll be “well mum you let me stop going last time” and then OP is stuck. It’s 6 weeks, 30 days. Do a countdown chart to leaving and make the weekends fun. Don’t encourage school avoidance.

That isn't really how school avoidance works. Children who are emotionally well are more likely to have healthy boundaries and less likely to avoid school and encounter bullying. Children who are encouraged to know their worth and feel that they can walk away from bullies (as we would expect all employees to feel able to) are more likely to make choices in relation to the opportunities available to them rather than from a place of fear and avoidance.

I think you know your daughter best and if you think a few extra weeks of summer holidays would benefit her, then do it, if she really wants to. I know what others are saying re resilience but there is also something to be said for teaching her that she can walk away from toxic situations. Sometimes having the option to leave something makes it more bearable, it's the feeling trapped on top of the other stuff that makes it unbearable. If she decides she'll go in for the last few weeks and the leavers events that is obviously great, and ultimately an achievement in the face of what she's gone through. But there is no failure in deciding enough is enough. And definitely let the school know why she's not going back for the last half term - I wouldn't tell them it's to home school.

You clearly have never had a child bullied in school. There’s absolutely nothing can be done once the bullies have your child on their sights. Forcing her to go in is telling her that her feelings don’t matter.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

why do we expect kids to put up with things that we wouldn’t?

Take her out ! School is not responding to her needs. If she went to school crying that no one liked her, she was being bullied, they’d arrange the DSL to get involved. Get her out ! Make v v v clear she goes to school in September

Of course she can walk way … why tf should anyone put up with this shit !

Life’s too short. Take her out today OP. Dont be scared. She will thrive away from the toxicity.

Teach her self worth that she is worth more than other people’s nastiness

Years ago I moved my child in year 6 to another school. Bullying and oblivious staff were the catalyst. Everyone told me not to do it and it was an awful stage to move them but I did it and my child came out of the new school smiling and said that the days went quickly. Best decision ever. Please move her.

Yes I would pull her out definitely. Does she already have friends at the other feeder school?

I moved my son out of school due to bullying and it worked, he settled down in his next school and it was the right decision for him.
It is sometimes just a certain dynamic pushes them out of a certain gang, I had been bullied at school and so was sensitive about the damage that it can cause.

I absolutely have had. I supported my son, made common cause with the parents of other victims, and forced the school to take their own anti-bullying policy seriously, escalating to the school board when I wasn't happy with the Head's response. Within a short time, the bully had a member of staff allocated to be on him, one on one, at all times on school premises, and his mother (also a bully) banned from the school grounds and attending school events.

There are absolutely things that can be done by a parent prepared to kick up a stink and make a school take action, while supporting their child emotionally and not letting them miss out on any education. It is the school's job to manage this. It is a parent's job to hold the school to do it.

What it taught DS was that bullying isn't OK, that no one expected him to deal with it, that he had a parent in his corner who was prepared to kick up a stink, and that the world and its institutions could be made to change in ways that made his life easier.

I’ve just done exactly this, OP! Homeschooling DD since the beginning of the summer term due to bullying. Bought some CGP year 6 books and do an hour per day (only because it’s temporary for a short period of time, obviously would do more if long term).
Her happiness levels have shot up, it’s like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

There's definitely a time to hold your ground and be activist, as @Foraor describes, but I wouldn't say the last few weeks of year 6 makes sense.

I wonder also if that was a fee paying environment. If one year 6 parent, whose child's leaving anyway, tries to stand up against a bunch of other fee payers (some of whose children may be staying on), I think the school might ask the complaining parent to leave anyway.

My autistic nephew had a horrendous time being bullied in his private school and the school did nothing about it. I genuinely think he would have been happier at state school with a bigger group of kids and far more likely to find his tribe. All schools struggle to address bullying but I think there are much clearer processes of escalation in state schools
my nephews bullies were from big families that paid a lot of money into the school in fees and the school were never going to risk getting rid of that income.

DD was badly bullied. We took her out and home educated until she was ready to go back into school. She fitted in to her new school immediately and made a whole lot of friends. Assuming you’re staying independent and still have a choice - Choose a school with great pastoral care and zero tolerance on bullying. Then it just won’t be in the culture. The two independent schools dd went to were like chalk and cheese whee wen it came to bullying. If we’d known how amazing her current school would be we would have explored going back into school much sooner than we did.