To take DD out of school for last half of term if year 6 due to bullying ? Or am I being precious?

[Lalalouloulee1]

Hi im at my wits end. Moved both children to an all through independent school during lockdown. Massive stretch for us. Ds 16 year 11 has been mostly happy, lookihg forward to 6th form, nice easy going cohort, parents fine. Dd's year group has been mostly cliquey and unfriendly since we joined in year 1 - girls and parents - and her main friend group of 3 others all left due to vat at the end of year 4. Numbers have shrunk down so that there are only 10 girls left in her year group and she just has no friends. I don't understand it - wherever we go she makes friends, we have family friends, she gets on well with all the family, cousins etc - she's sweet, friendly, funny, also likes sport dancing drama etc - of course she can be a pita but by no means the worst. I am so sad that she is loathed by her year group who mock her every day - school does nothing and we have saying she is being bullied for the past year. We are obviously moving her for secondary. She has cried every night this HT saying she has no friends there, how embarrassed she is every day how she begs these mean girls to be kind - it's so hard to hear. I just want to say you know what you don't need to go back in after half term. Between us and WFH we think it wouldn't be a problem and we could do a whole load of summery things and then start afresh in sept. Would this be so bad? Would it be awful for her to miss the leavers stuff? I was bullied really badly at school I'm neurodivergent I think it's likely she is too does this mean we just have a target on our back in institutions for being different, needy, not understanding everything immed? I'm so scared for her and so frightened this could take a turn for the worse and can't bear to see her so down on herself and without any friends or allies in a school she has been at for 6 years. Or is this a life lesson she just has to suck up?

Do not say you will homeschooling her, even if you are. Tell them, in writing, your dd is unable to attend due to bullying and that they need to resolve it. Name the girls involved. They won't do anything until it impacts their attendance stats.

Or the equally plausible alternative:

My primary school experience was hell, I don’t want to go into any school now. And you have a school refuser!

I would tell her that she doesn't have to tolerate being treated in that way and she will find her people because she's a beautiful spirit. It will just take time. And yes I would focus on her well being and remove her.

Doesn’t sound like she’s avoiding school now. So realistically mum teaches her perseverance skills and she keeps going for six weeks n

I don’t think taking her out sends her a message that she can just refuse school. I think it’s good to teach her that you don’t have to put up with bullies and that whilst she’s too young to stand up for herself you will step in. Bullying can really affect the adult years and how you view yourself.

I’d take her out but I would be doing some work on her self esteem and preparing her for secondary. I’d also get her some self defence classes so she has more confidence in herself. She’s young, why must we force people into dealing with situations that aren’t acceptable in the name of making them more ‘robust’

I’d also be complaining about how the school handled the bullying.

Yes take her out.

Take her out! I did this for my son when he was being bullied. When he started his new school he went in with such excitement, ready to meet new people, and study hard. It was like a detox.

If you do take her out, don't do it in a way that is just avoidant and all about the school she is no longer going to. Instead, make it "operation high school," make sure she goes to all the transition things at the high school she is going to go to, as she might fall through the cracks if she's out of primary. Encourage her to join more clubs locally and make friends with people who might go to her high school.

Are you staying in the private sector - they might have summer school/camps running during the summer break, which she could go to. If you are moving into the local state school, focus on local friends and people she can walk to school with.

Don't assume private is necessarily better for her, you don't explain why you would have chosen this school when it's a stretch. One of my DDs closest friends (at state high school) went to a private primary and while the class sizes are bigger, the school is a lot less homogenous - so many varieties of oddball, that the nuanced social issues she struggled with in private school are a non issue.

It has to be a positive, forward looking removal, not a "lick your wounds," removal all focused on the negative.

Being bullied in one school doesn't mean she'll be bullied in another.

I would be going into school and making a fuss and ruining the bullies end of term by making sure they miss out on all the fun activities because of their behaviour. I would be showing my daughter vhow to stand up for herself and be resilient my I would not be letting the bullies win.

If she's going to a different secondary to rest or the class - I'd pull her out last half term do stuff at home.

I'd also try get her in some outside school groups - guides or scouts - so if things get bad in future she know it the location not her.

If the bulling that bad and school that useless I don't see what staying would get her but more upset and damage.

I would look into every other option available, school can be a similar experience to prison for some children. I would definitely remove my DC. You cannot build resilience in the face of bullying.

Dd was bottom of the pecking order in primary school. There was some mean/cool kids at the top (with similar parents.) I was worried about secondary where most of her primary moved to, but she was actually very happy. Her secondary had 8 forms per year and she found a lovely bunch of friends. The mean kids didn't bother her as they were too busy having dramas with the mean kids from other primary schools. Hope your dd will be similarly happy

Going against the majority, but I would stick it out until the end of term - provided your daughter is up for it and she sounds from what you say that she is.

I say this as someone who was massively physically bullied ( black and blue) as I was tiny for my age and limped . The bullying was tackled ( badly by the school) but I stayed and it taught me resilience and that you don't walk away when you hate something but tough it out . I think that resilience helped with exams and it certainly helped with my approach to life and work.

I know my parents hated sending me back but I suspect I would have been bullied in any setting and resilience and fortitude are good life lessons to learn.

School should be doing something if they are actively mocking her.
I can see why you are torn. It’s that balance of not wanting her to miss out on end of school events but at same time worrying she may be miserable. It’s tricky sometimes anyway when things are more relaxed at end of term. I think I’d speak to dd and school. She could go back after hols and if no better say you’ll be leaving x date so she can say bye to teachers and have a leaving day albeit not the official one.
In grand scheme of things a month off won’t make any difference.
I’d also suggest Guides, we have girls at a variety of local schools and it’s good for them to have friends away from school.

Yeah, do it. Mine struggled with the lack of structure at the end of Y6, I nearly took one out then because it meant her behaviour was poor. I wouldn't move to the feeder school necessarily because that will be full of 'saying goodbye' events but I might explore that more to see if it would be friendly (some would).

You’ve got nothing to lose. The school has been negligence towards your daughter. I would make a complaint for a inspection by Ofsted

I’d write them a letter telling them that when you leave

@Onmytod24 Ofsted don’t inspect private schools. The school clearly has poor leadership and may well close.

I would in a heartbeat.

Theres only 6 weeks or so left, and would she really enjoy all the leavers things if she’s got no friends at school to enjoy them with anyway?

Just ten girls in a class is always going to be difficult.

I’d take her out so she’s in a more positive frame of mind for September.

That’s such shit. Teaching her she has to put up with this crap what creates victims. You can always walk away in adult life so let her walk away. Teach her she has control and power to do what’s right for her mental health. There is no way to learn to deal with this crap especially not for a child.

I really feel for you, it sounds horrible. But YABU to keep suggesting that is only kids who are somehow defective who get bullied and that she doesn't 'deserve' it - no one deserves it!

It can be really subtle things about the group dynamics which mean one child and not another is targeted.

If it helps I can share my own anecdata- all the way through school we had 2 forms which were more or less static, just a bit of shuffling between each year. I was never bullied. Come the last year of primary we were split into 3 forms as a couple of extra kids had joined. I was bullied (not by the new kids, by some of the originals).

I went to a secondary with only 2 of my peers from middle school and it never happened again.

Only you can make the call but if you decide to keep her home, make sure its not a cushy alternative to school or she may get too used to being home and not want to go back. Keep a routine, keep doing structured activities, make it clear that come September, its back to school, and that she will be OK.

No one's suggesting she 'has to put up with this crap. They're suggesting her parents get the school to take the bullying seriously. The other girls are allowed not to like her. They are not allowed to 'mock her every day'. Ensure the school takes this seriously. Escalate if necessary.

I think that would be a good solution

OP the school should have a bullying policy.

Have you followed it? If you're not satisfied you could escalate to the Head and if still not satisfied, the governors.

You will likely have more success if you can demonstrate you've done your part - now what are they doing?

You could even do this if you decide not to send her back - they don't have to know you have no intention of sending her back, you could say you're keeping her off until the bullying is dealt with.