AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

My first thought too.

I’m quite sure you’re right, and the question is what you want to do with that knowledge.

Had you built in a review after a certain timeline?

Can one close the marriage again after opening it? Is that something you would both consider?

Could you close again for a year then discuss opening again?

(before anyone jumps on me, I am not in favour of open marriages, it goes quite strongly against my moral code but am trying to think of constructive suggestions for OP.)

"unfuckackable troll" 😂❤️

Yup!!!

Indeed. He fafo!

Would love to hear your take on open relationships

Had identical experience - in the end it just gave me the confidence to become a single parent. As someone else posted, be careful what you wish for. It’s very rare that open marriages work out long term. Someone always ends up falling in love when they’re not meant to or repressing their feelings. Occasionally it works out but the couples are pretty uniquely generous personalities.

I would never agree to that type of arrangement now.

Yhe he definitely didn’t think you’d be pulling lol but you’ve still got it girl and now he’s annoyed and bitter. He probably thought he’d be out getting it and you’d be sat at home waiting for him to come back…

I personally could not do an open marriage because it would drive me insane, so I don’t think I can give you any sound advice on if/how you should go about closing it back up. I will say though, I would struggle to be with someone who acts like that about it. It seems (and I don’t know either of you so you take this with a big grain of salt) that he wanted one thing for him (sex with lots of women) and another thing for you (no sex with other men, or very limited sex with other men). That would irk me.

If you do agree to close the marriage and remain married, it would be advisable to have an explicit discussion and full agreement on what that means going forward.

It may be that your dh didn't find what he was looking for during the open period of your marriage. If an opportunity comes his way after the marriage is no longer agreed to be open, the fact that you were amenable to him having other sexual partners during the open period might blur the boundaries of acceptable behaviour in his mind.

The only good thing about it all is that in this particular scenario the two swingers found each other - can you imagine if it were different, like for example this scenario - my DH (44) and me (43) and we have been together 16 years, we have children. And after 16 years this pervert tells me he wants to swing. What do I do? How do I live? Just as well.

He only wants you now that other men do? Your value has shot up in his eyes and he no longer wants to share. Or the other woman he had his eye on in the first place has dumped him? I think you've beaten him at his own game, well played OP.

You have both put massive gashes in your marriage by doing this. You can’t go back to “normal”. You’ll have to find a different normal. And I wonder if by “closing” the marriage he means that you stop fucking other people but he calls up his FWBs when he feels like it, without your knowledge and thinks its
ok as he’s already shagged them. This is a much bigger mess than you think it is.

Only this isn’t a game where the husband or wife wins. They’re on the same team.

Honestly the writing was on the wall here. Most people in a LTR like the idea of meddling with this for a while, but they don't because it doesn't work. People have to choose to be either single or monogamous, both which have major downsides but you and DH wanted both. I haven't been in your situation but I would think this arrangement can only ever be a short term thing anyway. After that either split or get back together. I think you've had your fun, both of you, and now it's time to decide what to do next.

I agree with a lot of other posters. Your husband suggested an open marriage, expecting you to only dabble once or twice or not at all; while he experienced lots of sex with multiple women. The issue is now, he's realised that there are a lot of men out there who find you attractive, and you are enjoying yourself. Panic has set in....he's wondering if you might prefer these other men to him? If they are giving you better sex than him and if you might fall in love with one of them/possibly leave him?

Instead of helping your relationship, opening it up, has led to your husband to start to feel insecure and jealous.... presumably he didn't have these emotions prior to opening up your marriage?

Your husband isn't unreasonable to want to close the marriage, but neither are you unreasonable to want to continue as it is. You have to figure out if your husband and marriage is worth more to you, than sex with other men? Did you discuss what would happen if one of you decided the arrangement wasn't working? The saying 'be careful what you wish for, because you might regret it' springs to mind.

Her husband's on his own team, why else would he suggest the open marriage? The OP has just done what he asked. She's been very tolerant of his wishes.

I often wonder what men are thinking when they decide to state they want an open marriage. I believe that men think they are Don Juan DeMarco and will wander round in a smoking jacket with woman hanging off them like Hugh Hefner but the reality is woman aren't nearly as interested in men as men are in woman.

Men are just horny all the time and would shag a barbers floor... I believe it doesn't really matter what you look like or what vibes you give off you will always get a man trying his luck - especially on dating sites.

OP i'm not saying you are ugly in the slightest - i'm sure you aren't.

My friends did a little experiment to prove this - her and her DH put a profile up, the wording on each profile was exactly the same, copied and pasted onto each profile. I think they are both average looking people, not super attractive but not ugly either, far from it. In a day she got 340 messages - he got 6. Some of the messages to her were vile and there was no way anyone was getting a date because of the messages.

None of us can know if he is jealous or why he changed his mind. But many people cheat, he didn't because he suggested you both explore sex with other people. That implies he isn't inclined to jealousy. I'd say it's more likely the phase has run it's course. Or maybe he feels you are pulling away emotionally whereas he just wanted sex with different women but to still connect emotionally with you. He was foolish that's for sure but his suggestion to return to monogamy could be for many reasons

I often wonder what men are thinking when they decide to state they want an open marriage.

I think you answered your own question!

I think this says an awful lot about him - he wanted his bed away and have fun exciting shagging whilst you stayed at home keeping the fires burning.

Id be out at this point.

She had the opportunity to decline, and say she wasn't interested.

You seem to be revelling in the fact you are having more fun than your DH.

Whilst i dont really see the attraction of it, i assume for it to be anything remotely resembling successful it needs both partners to be 'happy'. Yours doesnt seem the healthiest relationship to be doing this any longer.

Stay together, break up, carry on. Up to you but if you think his unhappiness is a badge of honour for you i think you are wrong. As it would be if he was getting loads of action and you werent.

Did he have someone in mind when he brought up open marriage? I think he envisioned getting to hook up with other women and didn't think you would do it. Now that you're geetting more action than he is, he is jelous. This was not his plan. This is my favourite genre in Reddit, so many stories like this.

🤣 @RosePoett
if my husband told me I was free to sleep with others….. so he could……
I definitely wouldn’t do it. I definitely wouldn’t see it as being tolerant of his wishes!!
Tolerant of his wishes is not putting too much heat in a curry or letting him choose the movie….
@RosePoett You are going to have to be very careful renegotiating your relationship going forward. You’ve been allowed a taste of some you quite like ( you need to ask yourself why) and now he’s not happy

@PyongyangKipperbang

Brilliant article which has made me chuckle!

Some great turns of phrase:

being banged like a Salvation Army drum

most men will shag a bollard if you put a dress on it

Most men’s dating profiles are hideous, and then they whinge on about how “90 per cent of women on apps only swipe right on 10 per cent of the men.” Yes Kevin! That’s because 90 per cent of the men on there look like serial killers with an angler’s licence.

And I haven't heard the term 'knobbing' for ages.