AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

Three couples that I know of, one friend had already separated from her husband after they decided to give swinging a go. I'm far too vanilla to be friends with them, but I'm very grateful for my drama free and sex-with-other-people-free marriage 😆

tell your DH to suck it up

She can't do this- no such thing as an open marriage where one person doesn't agree. That's just being unfaithful.

You go on a dating site as a women in her 40s and say you are in an open marriage and available to offers The only surprise is that anyone could be guinely surprised when you got inundated with attention.

I had friends once with this exact situation.

He wanted an open marriage, talked her into it. She was the one who ended up getting loads of attention and enjoyed it, so he threw a strop and blamed her.

I bet if he was the one getting all the attention, he’d be all for it.

I reckon a lot of men think that thier wives won’t get any male attention, would be far to busy to try or to go on dates etc and so it’s an easy way to shag around.

This is so very predictable. The men are almost always thinking of themselves and massively underestimate how much attention their wives will receive.
I read an agony aunt column where a guy badgered his 60 year old wife into going to a swinging club. She got loads of attention from much younger guys, loved it and wanted to go back. He got nothing, sulked and said the whole thing was done.
I would never want to have an open relationship but I would be pissed off if I had to call it a day because my husband had only been thinking about other women, had made me feel unattractive and when I was having fun wanted to call it off.
When you enter into these things you have to realise sometimes you are going to be sitting in on a Tuesday alone while your other half is dolled up and getting shagged all over.
That's why I'd never want to do it.

Here is the article, C&P'd because its behind a paywall

‘One of my favourite categories of Reddit posts is those written by heterosexual men who have pressured their partner into opening up their relationship – that is, seeing and sleeping with other people – only to realise that he has overestimated his market value on the dating scene and grossly underestimated hers.
To take one example, there is the guy who suggested he and his girlfriend of two years “maybe try opening the relationship” so they could both experience not being “tied down” to one another, only for her to start bringing men back to their shared flat within three days, while he hadn’t so much as found someone to talk to.
Then there is the husband who is asking for advice on how to close down the marriage he so desperately wanted to open up because his wife is being banged like a Salvation Army drum, while he sits at home twiddling his thumbs.
And let’s not forget the 40-year-old woman who asked the internet: “Am I the asshole for telling husband it was his choice to open our marriage and I am not closing it?” The answer to that was a resounding “no”, along with numerous links to good divorce lawyers in her area.
I take a huge amount of delight in these pitiful, yet entirely predictable, tales of woe. The arrogance and entitlement of these men is quite staggering and makes the inevitable outcome all the more enjoyable.
The story is almost always the same: a middle-aged man in a long-term relationship gets bored with his very loving and loyal wife and pressures her into “opening up” their marriage. This, they argue, wouldn’t be like cheating because they could both do it. It is perfectly obvious that the motivation here was not to invite new and exciting experiences into his wife’s life, or to grow together as a couple, but to allow him to have his erotic cake and eat it too.
He wants to have sex with other women, but still wants to play house with his wife and kids and can’t really afford a divorce. Then suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, the answer strikes him: an open marriage! That’s a thing, isn’t it? People do that, don’t they?
He then decides to pressure his wife into letting him have sex with other women by calling it “polyamory”. No one can call him an arsehole if he lets her do it too. It’s not cheating! It’s cool and edgy. His little chimp brain is consumed with fantasies of nubile young women in their twenties queuing down the street just to get a glimpse of his love tackle, but alas, it was not to be.
It turns out the 20-year-olds are busy dating other 20-year-olds and have very little interest in a 48-year-old middle manager who has to bring a CPAP machine to an overnight hookup. Who could have seen such a thing happening, right? Our flabbers are collectively ghasted.
His missus on the other hand is having an absolute whale of a time. Her phone is overflowing with hopeful messages, and her calendar is quickly filling up.
In most cases, it’s not that the husband thought his wife wouldn’t be able to find other sexual partners, it’s rather that he didn’t even consider that part of the deal. He was so focused on his own pecker that it simply didn’t occur to him that a) his partner is highly desirable; and b) most men will shag a bollard if you put a dress on it. So now he is left babysitting the kids, night after night, while she is off exploring her sexual horizons. To quote just one of these regretful husbands, she is “blossoming”.
Ha! Good. Serves you right. You had no idea what you had there. I hope your wife gets stuffed like a prize turkey at Christmas. My obvious schadenfreude aside, this does open up a very interesting question: why do men vastly overestimate their value on the dating market?
And they do, don’t they? If you have ever spent more than five minutes on dating apps as a heterosexual woman, you know good and well most men are overestimating their appeal. How else do you explain all the photos of them posing with fish and the terrible selfies, wearing t-shirts saying things like “pussy inspector?” Most men’s dating profiles are hideous, and then they whinge on about how “90 per cent of women on apps only swipe right on 10 per cent of the men.” Yes Kevin! That’s because 90 per cent of the men on there look like serial killers with an angler’s licence.
Confidence is a good thing, but overconfidence is not. Overconfidence can lead us into all manner of silly situations, both privately and professionally, and unfortunately study after study has shown that men have significantly more confidence in their own abilities and attributes than women do – often to the point of recklessness.
This is also true in the world of dating. Studies also show that men tend to rate their own attractiveness higher than women do, as well as their intelligence, and general competence. They are far more likely to think a stranger fancies them than women do. In fact, this pattern is so prevalent in research that it has been dubbed the “male hubris, female humility” effect.
So, of course men are more likely to assume that as soon as they are sexually available, horny women will swarm their house like Night of the Living Dead. The reality is quite different. Cue the tumbleweeds.
Not only have these men overestimated their stock value but, as many people do, they have also failed to appreciate the reality of an open relationship and what that really entails. This isn’t even a man thing, I see women who are considering going poly doing this all the time too. Opening up your relationship is not going to be the hot and spicy fantasy you have in your head. It’s hard work and is going to mean processing a whole heap of unpleasant feelings like jealousy and envy, not to mention anger and rejection.’

Are you really ready for your partner to have sex with someone else? It’s not a decision to be taken lightly, and certainly not one to be embarked upon simply because you want to get your end away. You need a really strong relationship foundation to make it work, not to mention full and ongoing honesty. You might, for example, have to deal with your partner enjoying a revolving door of lovers while you struggle to land even a coffee date.
The bottom line is that if you are bored of your relationship and want to have sex with someone else, it is probably best to either get some couples’ therapy or just call time on it now. Trying to knob other people by calling it “polyamory” is not the get out of jail free card you think it is. It’s like when couples have a baby to “save” a failing relationship. It doesn’t work; it just makes things worse.
But if you are quite determined to open things up, I would suggest really doing your research into the world of ethical non-monogamy, doing a serious inventory of your relationship together to decide what it is you both want and how this will help. And above all, to know your true worth on the dating scene.

He wanted it.

I bet if the shoe was on the other foot and he was out with a different women evey week, he’d be happy still.

He didn’t think she would get the attention she is, that’s the crux of it.

I've known a few people who opened up their relationship.

100% of the time it ended badly and the relationship never recovered.

It is about protecting the marriage though.

If it had gone the other way and you wanted to close it and he said no, you agreed, then you'd feel like ending the marriage.

It's too easy and a bit childish to boil it down to it backfiring on him.

He tried it and didn't like it. If you have a loving and trusting marriage then I think you need to consider his feelings the same way you'd want yours considered.

But tbf, a lot of women at your age realise that a lot of men have been coasting and are selfish in general and if he's ine of then the it's natural to reassess whether you want him in your life.

He’s jealous. Likely something he didn’t anticipate. You clearly are not, which says a lot about your feelings for him,.they have indeed moved to house mate.

so it is crunch time, do you want to be married to him in a closed relationship and all that entails. If so, shut it down. If not, then the decision is back to if he wishes to stay in an open marriage.

It’s obvious what’s going on here. He can see that he is having sex with women and coming home and you are forming emotional attachments to people (which comes along with our hormones)) and he doesn’t like it.

It is actually very common for men who suggest this to then end up uncomfortable when their wife is having more fun than they are.

There is a reason in the swinging world single women (or partnered women meeting solo) are called Unicorns. There are far far fewer of them than solo men so it’s always much harder for men to find people to meet than women.

Non-monogamy doesn’t work in a marriage unless both parties are happy with it so you have to talk to him and then decide if you’re going back to being monogamous or if it’s time to end the marriage.

😆😆😆😆

How would you feel if he was enjoying this open marriage and you were hating it? Would you just suck it up, or what?

That's all true but not relevant. An open marriage is something both people agree to. If one of them doesn't agree, it's just infidelity.

If OP wants to continue the marriage, she should agree to close it again. If not, she should end it.

Pair of idiots.

Ok so your husband IS jealous - what now....

I think he had someone specific in mind that he wanted to shag, he needed approval from you under the guise of a ‘open’ relationship. That has now gone pear shaped and he’s pissy that you’re getting banged by other blokes.

That’s just my take FWIW.

It doesn’t really matter why he wants to close your marriage again – he wants to close it and that’s that. Your decision is whether you’ll stay with him and close it, or end the marriage.

This ^ . Calling it an open marriage is sanitising it .

Yes. It’s all the man’s fault.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

Well if he is struggling with jealousy / ego then that IS a shot across the bows of the marriage?

Are you suggesting that he should just suck it up?

Surely an open marriage is about full mutual consent , and if one partner is no longer happy with the arrangement , for whatever reason, then it needs to stop?

It sounds as if you two have a to to talk about. You say it has been good for you, improved your confidence etc, can you now plough that feeling back into your marriage?
OR - be honest - has it made you think that it has given you the confidence to leave your marriage?
Is our marriage valuable to you?
Valuable enough to continue without having sex elsewhere?
The whole purpose of this was ostensibly to strengthen your marriage.
Has it?

I work as a therapist and was discussing open relationships with a supervisor a while ago. Apparently the research shows that relationships that started as monogamous and move to open struggle and often end. Whereas relationships that start as open and negotiate through that at the start, can often work out.

Perhaps as others have said, discussing this with a therapist might help you both.

Question is op.

Do you genuinely think he would close the marriage if you hadn’t been getting much luck / had got jealous of his sleeping with other women?

Or do you think he would try and convince you to keep doing it and that well you’d agreed to this.

What were the agreed terms for closing again when you had these conversations before becoming open.

If it was me, he’d get the reply of, “you wanted it, you got it, leave if you don’t like it.”

I am very much happy with him. I was happy to try something new or out of the norm. It hasn’t worked out I guess and I’m also okay with going back to being monogamous