AIBU to just tell my mum her judgement is pushing my brother away?

[Henristoycat]

Good morning all,
This week my mum is staying with us, and I have already in the first few days heard non-stop about her opinions of and issues with my brother, his wife and the life they live.
For context my brother is 36, he is married, has 2 children and lives a very nice life, you would think any parent would be delighted, however not my mum.
I have gotten quite lucky in that my idea of a good life happens to align with hers so I don’t face half the scrutiny my brother and his wife do.
I will note some of the issues

• My brother’s wife doesn’t work, and really never has. She is from a wealthy family, they are mortgage free thanks to her family. She completed her degree, two masters, worked briefly for a year and then had their first child and is a stay at home mum. She has various side projects, is extremely intelligent and a good mother. I don’t personally think it is anyone’s business how a family makes money if at the end of the day, they can support themselves, and provide their children with all they need.
• They live in a flat in a city centre, my mum fundamentally believes children should be raised in small villages or towns, with plentiful access to outdoor space, gardens, large homes. Again I don’t think one is inherently better than the other, both have their pros and cons. The children live near some of the best parks in London and aren’t exactly lacking in opportunities to play outside.
• My brother and his wife have hobbies …. Yes really that is a problem. His wife plays tennis, my brother golfs, they both occasionally enjoy playing poker (this hasn’t threatened their finances to my knowledge). My mum believes that it is poor parenting to leave the children with a babysitter occasionally to “indulge” in hobbies.
• They don’t visit her often, and don’t let her visit. To be honest I imagine this is because she is so bloody judgemental and is constantly criticising them. She also refuses to stay in their flat as you have to climb stairs so gets a hotel, but then complains she can’t navigate London alone so one of them have to go and get her each morning, walk her back to theirs and do the same in the evening.

She is insisting I to my brother and see if I can “sort him out” as he has clearly chosen his wife badly, raising his children badly and is hurting her.
She has now said as I refused to talk to him, I must agree with him and we have both let her down and she doesn’t know where she has gone wrong!
My dad thinks I should just say I will talk to him so she will stop asking, then not act on it, I think it’s pointless to say that.
What I actually want to do is tell her perhaps they keep a distance because she is so judgmental, critical and arrogant about her view of what is right. Both my dad and husband think I shouldn’t bother and that she might even have “some points” even if it isn’t technically her place to comment on it.

AIBU to think she is being absolutely crazy and after 4 years of listening to her witter on about how disappointing my brother and his wife are, to think I should just tell her, that her attitude may be the problem, not their parenting or lifestyle (which may not be to everyone’s preference but isn’t objectively bad)?

She sounds like a cow bag. I'm surprised your brother sees her at all tbh.

To me this is where the proverbs and sayings of yesteryear come in. It’s a shame they seem to be dying out. Just let her witter on with her poison and answer with ‘oh well, live and let live’ ‘takes all sorts to make a world’ and then change the subject very firmly. Take every opportunity to say something nice about them. Above all, be visibly close to them (if they will let you), stay in touch, see the children, compliment their manners etc etc.

Just because your Dad will appease her to keep the peace doesn’t mean you have to.

What I actually want to do is tell her perhaps they keep a distance because she is so judgmental, critical and arrogant about her view of what is right.

I agree - and I would!

Sounds a great lifestyle DM is nuts

Your mum is bonkers. Brothers family sound lovely and are having a great time. I’d tell her they are doing fine and you support them and won’t be passing on messages. Ask her why she thinks there is only one way to raise kids. Ask if a happy city home is better than a miserable country one.

At the next comment I'd sit her down and explain it like you have here at the start but temper it a bit.
I think if you say she judgemental and awful you'll get no where.
Id also say rhe extreme negativity is effecting you and you don't need to hear it anymore her feelings are abundantly clear

Is she even close to the children? Presumably no?

The hotel thing would drive me.drive me slightly doolally. It's the same hotel, the same flat the same 4 streets.... 🫠 why does she need a chaperone??? Also why does she hate stairs does she live in a bungalow?

Your DH and DSIL sound like they are living a great life BTW!

Stick up for your brother for once. 4 years of listening to this? You're complicit.

Honestly I have no idea? She lives in a bungalow yes, but ends up climbing the stairs when she goes to visit them anyway?
They have a perfectly lovely guest room (we have stayed multiple times it’s more comfortable than some hotels), I think she just enjoys being difficult and having everyone run after her.

I had a similar conversation with my mum. I just asked her to think very carefully about the future she wants wrt family life.

It’s hard though

💐🍷
I'd be so tempted to tell her to pack it in.
Every single time she discusses your Brother and his family tell her to mind her own business.
You know she'd be bitching about you if you were to do something so scandalous as live in a flat 🤯🙄😉

As for your Dad and Husband, they need to shut up too, and stop enabling her unfair criticism.

I can fully understand why she isn't invited to visit them often, and why they never visit her.

She must be such a disappointment as a Mother and Mother in Law (I'm only partly being sarcastic).

I would refuse to spend one minute listening to that crap. Waste of my time.

Does she criticise them to their faces or just behind their backs. Do they even know?

She is much less direct in her criticism to their faces but they aren’t intelligent people so certainly aren’t blind to it. They just get a lot of “gosh isn’t it sad they don’t have a garden to play it”, “they must miss you terribly when you are at tennis”, “don’t your parents think all those years in education are a bit wasted now”.
The only one she openly criticises directly is poker, which to an extent I understand as of course gambling of any form is risky, but I don’t think they much care for or appreciate her input, understandably!

Would you like it if she was criticising you behind your back to them, would you want your brother to stand up for you?

Not sure about what you should do in relation to your mum. But your relationship with your brother will be there long after your parents are no longer around, so don't alienate him (not that I think you would, you should very positive about him) because of your daft mum.

Was he closer to your mum before he was married? It sounds a bit as if she resents him being married and no longer being the main woman in his life.

What do you say to her when she says this stuff to you? Surely you just shut it down and point out that she is ruining her relationship with them?

Tell her you don't want to hear any more about it.

Honestly, it is sad that she is alienating herself from your DB and his family, but if she won't stop carping then that's what she will get.

I'd go further and say you need to snap at her that: it's his life, he's happy and you've no intention of talking to him about it. You're also sick to the back teeth of hearing the misery pouring out of her mouth and don't want to hear it anymore so if she can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Stay at home and stay away because all she's doing is bringing the mood down and you don't want to hear it anymore.

My mum tends to be the same about my siblings - i just shut it down with oh really? I think they're doing great! And then i change the subject.

If this is her ‘not as direct’ criticism to their faces then oh my God. Absolutely no wonder they don’t see much of her!

She sounds awful! Is she jealous?

Id stick up for your brother and tell her yku
dont want to hear about it again … their life sounds fab! She should be proud .. mad old bint.

She sounds like my mother who.takes anything I do that doesn't align with her way of doing as a personal attack. Apparently I do lnt actually want to do them my way it's simply to get at her. And yes, she has pushed me, and her gc, away.

What is she criticising you about, behind your back?

You have a spineless father, don’t you? He just sits there and let’s her run his son down?
Or does he actually agree with her?

I would push back hard and tell her she’s being ridiculous. Their lifestyle is not dangerous or bad for their DC - just different from what she thinks it should be. I would tell her that if she carries on she risks losing a relationship with them all.

I think he’s not meeting her expectations. And why the hell should he as they are unreasonable! You have two options and one of them is to sit her down and say you do not agree with her negative talk about his family and listening to it is having an impact on you. She must stop it now. Or secondly, (I don’t think this will work) is to continually talk positively about his family. So you are not fanning the flame by not saying anything, but you are super positive about his lifestyle. Don’t give her a platform, a listening ear. As for how your brother is with her (collecting her from a hotel etc) that’s upto him. He is an adult. And he will need to manage his own relationship with his mum. You need to manage your relationship with your mum and create a boundary that she knows is not be crossed. She is not to bad mouth your brother and his family!

She must be such a disappointment as a Mother and Mother in Law (I'm only partly being sarcastic).

This is a really good point. I’d make if to her - maybe she isn’t what they wanted either? If she’s expecting you to be direct with your brother, I’d be telling her a few home truths….