AIBU to just tell my mum her judgement is pushing my brother away?

[Henristoycat]

Good morning all,
This week my mum is staying with us, and I have already in the first few days heard non-stop about her opinions of and issues with my brother, his wife and the life they live.
For context my brother is 36, he is married, has 2 children and lives a very nice life, you would think any parent would be delighted, however not my mum.
I have gotten quite lucky in that my idea of a good life happens to align with hers so I don’t face half the scrutiny my brother and his wife do.
I will note some of the issues

• My brother’s wife doesn’t work, and really never has. She is from a wealthy family, they are mortgage free thanks to her family. She completed her degree, two masters, worked briefly for a year and then had their first child and is a stay at home mum. She has various side projects, is extremely intelligent and a good mother. I don’t personally think it is anyone’s business how a family makes money if at the end of the day, they can support themselves, and provide their children with all they need.
• They live in a flat in a city centre, my mum fundamentally believes children should be raised in small villages or towns, with plentiful access to outdoor space, gardens, large homes. Again I don’t think one is inherently better than the other, both have their pros and cons. The children live near some of the best parks in London and aren’t exactly lacking in opportunities to play outside.
• My brother and his wife have hobbies …. Yes really that is a problem. His wife plays tennis, my brother golfs, they both occasionally enjoy playing poker (this hasn’t threatened their finances to my knowledge). My mum believes that it is poor parenting to leave the children with a babysitter occasionally to “indulge” in hobbies.
• They don’t visit her often, and don’t let her visit. To be honest I imagine this is because she is so bloody judgemental and is constantly criticising them. She also refuses to stay in their flat as you have to climb stairs so gets a hotel, but then complains she can’t navigate London alone so one of them have to go and get her each morning, walk her back to theirs and do the same in the evening.

She is insisting I to my brother and see if I can “sort him out” as he has clearly chosen his wife badly, raising his children badly and is hurting her.
She has now said as I refused to talk to him, I must agree with him and we have both let her down and she doesn’t know where she has gone wrong!
My dad thinks I should just say I will talk to him so she will stop asking, then not act on it, I think it’s pointless to say that.
What I actually want to do is tell her perhaps they keep a distance because she is so judgmental, critical and arrogant about her view of what is right. Both my dad and husband think I shouldn’t bother and that she might even have “some points” even if it isn’t technically her place to comment on it.

AIBU to think she is being absolutely crazy and after 4 years of listening to her witter on about how disappointing my brother and his wife are, to think I should just tell her, that her attitude may be the problem, not their parenting or lifestyle (which may not be to everyone’s preference but isn’t objectively bad)?

Oh wow this sounds like my MIL with me and DH! Our lives are pretty conventional I would say, but our crime is that we don’t live next door to her. At every visit she would criticise all of our life choices, and in a much more direct fashion that your mother. Unsurprisingly we got tired of this and the visits have trailed right off to very occasional duty visits. Now apparently it’s all my fault that her son doesn’t live next door to her.
OP I would tell her, but don’t get your hopes up that she will change. But it will help to clear your conscience a little.

I have a mother like this. I am no contact with her because of her nastiness and judgements. It is all projection because of her own insecurities and I assume she is jealous of your brothers life however I also think you are naive if you think she is also not bitching about you and your lifestyle to your brother who has possibly already shut her down which is why they barely see her. This is exactly what my mother has done and now neither me nor my brother have a relationship with her. Sadly she also destroyed any relationship we had with each other first.

Agreed. Do this every time she starts criticising them.

Oh I couldn't be arsed with her. She has absolutely no right to be telling her adult son how to live when he seems to be living a lovely life with a wonderful wife.
Tell her to get a grip and keep her nose out.
Is it because he is her son and you are her daughter that she is so invested in their life? I know how some mothers of sons behave as i have all sons and some of their friends mums are THOSE kind of "boy mum"

It doesn’t matter what she thinks. She isn’t them so she should learn to shut up and let people live their own lives.

You've been listening to her saying unkind things about someone you love for 4 years?! That is awful OP, your poor brother. If I found out that my sibling had been behaving like that I'd probably want nothing to do with them any more.

It the the case, though, that older people who are used to bungalows can find stairs very physically challenging. Those climbing muscles become weak. Not that
it gives her a right to comment but it might be a reason.

All you can do is say "I see the situation differently to you and I'm really glad they have such a happy home. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking time out to be at home with the children or continuing to enjoy hobbies when the children are small. I don't have a problem with where they live and the children have plenty of time outside. I would really prefer it if we keep the conversation positive or agree not to discuss them because I have no concerns and I don't like being critical about family."

Have some stock replies ready for her that shut down the conversation every time she starts talking negatively about them. Ones that make it clear you won't be joining in with her opinions, or talking to him about how he lives his life.

Why are you reluctant to tell her? If she's able to give such strong opinions, she should be able to take them back once in a while

I’d repeat the following messages:

You don’t think it is your place to comment on your brothers life and won’t interfere

You are sick of hearing her complain about your brother’s life and don’t want to discuss the topic anymore. It is nothing to do with you.

You think her behaviour is risking her relationship with her son and does she really think it is worth that risk.

Sounds like they have a great life. I’d be inclined to tell her to lay off and not everyone wants to raise their kids like she did. London is a great city to grow up in and plenty of parks / open spaces.

So your dad is the enabler ,talk to them or pretend to so.i can have a quiet life
..
I think you should be honest with your mum.

I think I’d say “they are happy why is it an issue to you?”

“Would you prefer they do what you say and be miserable?”
”have you ever considered they dont spend a lot of time with you because you are very critical of them?”
id just keep throwing it back at her.
my parents and in-laws are like this cant understand anyone different to them.

OP has she always been like this or is she showing some age related decline? It sounds awful.

So it's wrong for your SIL to be away from her children to play tennis, but it's also wrong for her to be a SAHM who spends all day with them?!

I would not criticise your Mum but would say that you have no criticism of your brother so can't sort him out’.

Say that they are financially stable and secure, that children living in London have a fantastic range of cultural and other opportunities, and to make relationships with people it helps to be able to be open minded to different perspectives and different lifestyles.

It is unlikely that you will change her mind so just stay true to yourself, don’t enable or agree, or ever play the role of her flying monkey

“Mum, he’s happy and living his life so why would you want to change that? Why would he , even if I told him to? If you don’t stop criticising them, don’t come crying to me when they stop seeing you.”

Gambling isn’t necessarily awful. Some people are susceptible to addiction or can be occasionally reckless but not everyone. Many people who enjoy it as recreation decide how much they are prepared to spend and stick to it. They budget for it the way they do other activities. When it’s approached that way there isn’t much difference to any other night out other than you occasionally go home with more cash than you went out with.

I have a feeling your mother might be one of those women who have a problem with their DIL usurping them as the most important woman in their son’s life. It’s a rather weird and unpleasant trait. Mingled in with that, I think she might be jealous of your SIL’s accomplishments and qualities.

In your shoes I think I would say again that you don’t want to get involved and you don’t want to hear her sniping about them and you aren’t going to listen to it anymore and will leave next time she starts.

Why have you not stood up to her in 4 years?

By now you should have told her that you will no longer listen to this constant criticism or your brother and his wife and that as far as you are concerned they live a perfectly happy life.

You are enabling her rants by not standing up to her.

The kind and caring thing to do in this situation is to tell her some home truths. Otherwise she risks losing contact with her son and grandchildren altogether, and I doubt that she really wants this.

this. Its simple
"Mum its not your business and I am not going to discuss it ANY MORE"
Rinse and repeat.

My DD and her DP have been totally pushed away because of his Mum being so judgemental. It's sad because she is lonely, but they've had enough. Having a garden to play in, can't compare to having London on your doorstep. I think that you need a honest chat with her, you absolutely have the right to tell her that you are sick of the negativity and while she can think what she likes, you don't want to hear it. Do you think that her hyper fixation is cognitive decline?

She is much less direct in her criticism to their faces but they aren’t intelligent people so certainly aren’t blind to it. They just get a lot of “gosh isn’t it sad they don’t have a garden to play it”, “they must miss you terribly when you are at tennis”, “don’t your parents think all those years in education are a bit wasted now”.

That’s hardly ‘much less direct’. If my MIL subjected me to such a barrage of snide passive aggressive attacks I wouldn’t give her house room!

Ideally your DBro would turn to her and tell her directly that she is being judgemental and nasty. What does he say when she says stuff about his DW like the ‘wasted education’? In his shoes I would tell her not to speak to my partner like that.

Why is this your job and not your brother’s? If HE wants their relationship to improve he can tell her how to do it himself. He clearly would rather keep her away and who can blame him?

Just decline to listen to your Mum’s opinions in ways suggested by various pp.

I have a narcissistic relative (I have looked at the proper tick list) and I just say ‘they live their life , I live mine and they are my brother, aunt , etc, and it is not my job to be involved in criticising people I love’

I'd be bigging up your brother's lifestyle. "Oh how wonderful that the kids have x and y on their doorstep. Don't db and sil have a great life, their flat is gorgeous and their spare room? Like a 4 star hotel. The kids are growing up beautifully, what a good school they go to, what fabulous parents they have and great that they have such healthy hobbies?" Honestly your dm sounds like she is envious and resentful of their lives in equal parts. I'd tell her straight(and she will then see and paint you as the enemy)Mum, they are fine, they are happy, dont you want then to be happy? And successful? And content? Support your db.