To let my SIL go for a walk with my DD?

[Trustwithboudaries]

I think i am being unreasonable! But here's the situation. We haven't let my SIL be alone with our DD now 5, without us nearby. My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us, be safe enough etc. She has previously broken our trust by sharing photos without our permission but also has been really good for the past 6 months or more about respecting rules and boundaries. However DH and I still talked about not letting SIL be with DD5 fully alone. We are currently on holiday with her (SIL), DH, DD5 and DD 2 months. After 9 hrs of travel we arrived. I made dinner, we ate, DH went for a nap and SIL offered to take DD5 for a walk in the holiday park for 20mins. DD was crying and needing to feed after refusing all day. I was exhausted and needed to prepare for bedtime. So without thinking I agreed to the walk without asking DH. DD5 and SIL are back safely and as far as I can tell nothing we would be uncomfortable with happened. But I really shouldn't have agreed to the walk, should I? What can I do to repair the breach of trust? This is a huge deal to DH.

So he trusts her to parent when you are not around and he can’t be bothered to parent solo, but doesn’t trust her when you are around and you need to parent solo

Yeah, you have a husband problem - not a SIL problem.

I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past

This is your problem.

Sounds much more of a risk than anything your SIL might do.

So your thread title should be ‘how can a deal with a DH who won’t parent after a long trip but also won’t let me have the help from his sister who is here for exactly that purpose?’
He can’t parent alone without her help (what is she, a saint? His slave?) but seems perfectly fine leaving you to do it.
As often seems to be with these threads, you have a DH problem, not a SIL problem.

there have been anger issues in the past which coupled with a fear of conflict on my end

You mention your fear of conflict as though it's a personality trait, rather than a rational response to a man with anger issues.

Your DH sounds abusive and paranoid, and as a result he has completely warped your own perception of what's normal and safe.

An aunt giving their niece sweets occasionally or wanting to be a proud auntie and show photos to her friends is totally normal and not a remotely big deal. Nothing you've said suggests that your SIL is in any way incapable of keeping a child safe on a walk.

You are frightened to have a normal conversation with your own husband because of his anger issues. Your husband is the unsafe person here, not your SIL.

Oh my god, I genuinely thought you were talking about a wayward, irresponsible 13 year old.

She’s in her 30s??? I don’t understand why there is so much mistrust.

You sound really scared of your husband? That’s what should be being questioned here as that’s def not right.

Your poor SIL. Honestly? Your DH sounds like an absolute turd.

You both sound abusively controlling.

Honestly sharing pics is a natural thing to do, getting sweets from relatives in a natural thing to happen.

Your DH sounds borderline abusive. You sound like you're scared of him @Trustwithboudaries

This!!

So basically it has nothing to do with SIL and not trusting her, it’s just a control tactic to control OP with.

I’m not warming to Nap Boy.

My usual approach to differences of opinion between parents on safety or risk is that the most conservative parent holds sway but your husband sounds lazy and controlling; a delightful combination!

I can’t believe this father with such high standards ropes his sister to help him every time he is under threat of looking after his own children. He sounds like a man who feels entitled and perhaps accustomed to having the women around him cushion his existence.

I think you need to whip that cushion away.

Talk about burying the lead:
It was selfish of him to do that right then. He probably would have agreed if I had asked him to help but I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past
I think it says a lot that you phrase it as 'asking for help'. Help who? He is a parent and these are his children! Are you 'helping him' when you parent your own children? You are fearful of asking him to pull his weight due to 'anger issues'. OP, this is all kinds of not OK. I'm glad you are investigating the abuse and controlling aspects of this and wish you the best.

@Trustwithboudaries

why on earth did you cook dinner after all those hours travelling? Why not just have sandwiches or a takeaway?

She is not abusively controlling - she is doing it out of fear in response to her DH and his control/anger issues.

Your SIL sounds great, OP. Your H - no.

Also your SIL giving your daughter sweets…hardly crime of the century is it?! @Trustwithboudaries

Why have you gone on holiday with a woman you think is so awful?

Why shouldn't your daughter have gone on the walk with her aunt? What did I miss?

You've said nothing at all about such issues occurring in the past - so how do you KNOW she "can't be trusted completely with things like hand holding...etc"?

What you have told is that you have an ultra-controlling DH who's quite happy to dragoon his 'untrustworthy' sister into helping him out with the kids when it suits him. He sounds like a nasty piece of work to me and that you've said you're afraid of him is much more worrying to me than his sister possibly giving the 5 year old sweets.

And PLEASE don't apologise to him for letting his sister take the 5 year old out from under your feet when he'd pissed off to bed.

So his sister is good enough to help him parent when it's convenient for him.
Also you shouldn't need to ask him for help at that time. He's an adult, a parent. He should have the common sense to realize that if he's tired, maybe he's not the only one and maybe he needs to be a parent.
Glad to hear you're looking into therapy. You shouldnt be afraid to ask for help from anyone certainly not your partner / father of your children. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope you find a way to get you and the kids out of there safely. Your children don't need to grow up being afraid to ask Daddy for help.

Your DH shouldn't have pissed off for a nap

Notice the use of passive voice here 'there have been anger issues'

Not

'When I ask for help, he gets angry'

OP i really feel for you. Your partner shouldn't get angry when you ask for help. This is unlikely to get better. And its not your fault for fearing conflict. A good man wouldn't make you feel scared of him.

Has Dh's sister got a learning disability or some other reason why he worries about her decision making? It sounds like she is really keen to help out with her nieces and has safely returned with her with no harm done? Is he making a big deal out of this or are you scared of telling him?

There isn't . Her DH is controlling both women and both seemed to be fearful.

I've never posted photos of my niece and nephew online but I would be annoyed if my brother and his girlfriend overreacted like you and your husband. She did one thing months ago so there is no need to punish her forever. She isn't a child abuser, ffs.