To let my SIL go for a walk with my DD?

[Trustwithboudaries]

I think i am being unreasonable! But here's the situation. We haven't let my SIL be alone with our DD now 5, without us nearby. My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us, be safe enough etc. She has previously broken our trust by sharing photos without our permission but also has been really good for the past 6 months or more about respecting rules and boundaries. However DH and I still talked about not letting SIL be with DD5 fully alone. We are currently on holiday with her (SIL), DH, DD5 and DD 2 months. After 9 hrs of travel we arrived. I made dinner, we ate, DH went for a nap and SIL offered to take DD5 for a walk in the holiday park for 20mins. DD was crying and needing to feed after refusing all day. I was exhausted and needed to prepare for bedtime. So without thinking I agreed to the walk without asking DH. DD5 and SIL are back safely and as far as I can tell nothing we would be uncomfortable with happened. But I really shouldn't have agreed to the walk, should I? What can I do to repair the breach of trust? This is a huge deal to DH.

So after all that travelling, you cooked for everyone, no doubt cleaned up, fed you DD and then had to prepare for bedtime whilst his Lordship had a nap? That man would whistle out of his arsehole before I ever ask his permission to give me a quick a break after I did all that.

She's in her 30s!

I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past which coupled with a fear of conflict on my end…

Wow. Read this back. Your own words…

I hope you have kept your financial independence - just in case this all comes to a head….. because this doesn’t bode well.

Contacting Women’s Aid and doing the Freedom Programme would be a good start.

In the best possible Mumsnet tradition - you don’t have an in law problem you have a DH problem. If he doesn’t want SIL to look after your DD he should get his lazy arse into gear.

How bonkers. At least she makes the effort! You two sound ridiculous.

The OP's DH sounds like a controlling oddball.

Your DH is a controlling nut case and you are enabling the behaviour by following his strict rules. The more love and family a child has to support their life the better.
You should leave him, it’s abusive to bring children up in this environment, for both boys and girls, if you don’t have the strength to do it for yourself, do it for your children.

I bet DH will change his attitude to SIL looking after the kids if you leave him (to escape his anger and control) - and he has to have his kids on his own! Not that you’d want a father with anger issues looking after kids alone. If he’s annoyed you let SIL take DD out, he should be asked why he went for a nap when his kids needed looking after. Sounds like he only wants YOU looking after his kids rather than both their parents. Though a nap was maybe wise for you if he was tired and is prone to anger.

If you’re worried about hand holding, you could say to DD (in front of SIL) that she must hold SIL’s hand when crossing the road. DD may remember to do it, even if SIL doesn’t. I’d be relaxed about her auntie buying her sweets on holiday, unless they’re ones she might choke on.

DH working on his anger (via therapy) should be a non-negotiable.

Enjoy your holiday!

You shouldn’t be going on holiday with someone you don’t trust around your children. I have family members I don’t trust around my children. They are a genuine risk, not of giving them sweets, of making CSAM. They have zero contact with my dc. Let your 5 year old have some sweets. My MiL brings whole bags of haribo for each of mine (so what!). If she is a genuine risk of harm, you should have no contact with her.

This is an abusive relationship

a kackered post partum mum does the majority of the driving, chores snd parenting snd you are afaid to chsnge this due to “ anger issues”

consider your future, do you want this relationship for your kids ? For you , forever ? It wont get better only worse

Sweets , it is hardly a crime or a danger (unless child has severe allergies). Same with photos (though a child in care it could have tragic consequences)

I understand though that, yes she has gone against your wishes.

Life is short- speaking from someone whose dad has dementia, treasure the family times . She is family

HTH !

Please seek help.
You are clearly in a controlling abusive relationship with a selfish arsehole.
Take it seriously and tell your family the truth.

"Noted" eh? You've booked some therapy this morning already, have you?? Meh.
-You are a people pleaser and you are clearly doing it right now even to posters on this thread.

You are a mother and you are frightened of confronting your partner or telling him what you feel.

You are a mother and you need to sort this out and not be fear-bonding with your DH by ganging up on his sister or whatever/whoever else he is being unreasonable with.

You are a mother and it is your job to demonstrate healthy relationships to your child so that they do not also end up in a relationship like this.

Yes this puts it into context. Some people pose actual danger to children and you don’t let them near your kids, ever. The fact that this arsehole is constantly asking his sister to help him out if he’s parenting alone yet she’s apparently not safe to give his wife a half hour break from childcare says it all.

If I were OP, I’d leave this wanker and then let the aunt babysit when she likes and feed sweets or even put the odd snap on Facebook.

My BIL is like this with my MIL. Total utter wanker. Expects her to do loads of free childcare at the drop of a hat but she’s not allowed to take them to the park or out with her friends apparently. He says she’s an unsafe driver. She’s never had so much as a speeding ticket. He’s been banned twice for repeated points on his license. He’s a hypocritical knobhead. He doesn’t lift a finger himself either, it’s all his wife and if she wants a break, he has a big issue with it and finds a reason why it would be “dangerous”.

Why is he unwilling to parent his own children without female help, including that of someone he doesn’t trust.?

You really chose a dud, OP.

I wonder if she not trustworthy because she challenges your dh’s many rules and opinions, and doesn’t quite follow the party line to his unachievable standards

You have an issue with your husband. You can’t really ask him for help because he doesn’t react well, he’s made sure you can’t ask your sil for help either but he has her help when he is with the children on his own.

Or... DH could be controlling and unreasonable, possibly a very anxious parent. My father was like this, jealously keeping us away from other people.
What really worries me is that OP says this is a huge deal for her DH. From what we've been told, all SIL has done is shared photos (many people wouldn't care, but SIL has not repeated this it seems) and possibly would give the old sweets. So in other words perfectly normal behaviour.

Your DH probably thinks being very anxious and controlling is good, conscientious parenting. If you don't agree, you will be cast as the bad parent who doesn't care about the children. Unless you have unusually compliant children, the teenage years will be a hellish battle of wills with you stuck in the middle.

Your instinct was to let SIL take DD for a walk. That was a good decision as it was extremely low risk and made everyone happier. I would talk to DH about taking a slightly more relaxed approach.

You had travelled all day, you then had to cook and parent hsk two children whilst he slept! (Unless very unwell, my husband would not try to to pull that shit) Now he's angry that his sister took your child for a walk? What exactly would happen on his walk around the holiday site?!
He opted out of helping, so he can't say anything.
From what you've wrote he sounds horrible.

In all honesty, if i was your sister and knew you were talking about me in these terms, i would never offer to do anything with your dd again. Awful over the top behaviour.

This! ^

sil

but I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past

Fucking hell, you have way bigger problems than your SIL.

As it stands, I would think the children are safer with her than with their own parents.

Poor child, if it is. Two over controlling parents won’t end well.