To let my SIL go for a walk with my DD?

[Trustwithboudaries]

I think i am being unreasonable! But here's the situation. We haven't let my SIL be alone with our DD now 5, without us nearby. My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us, be safe enough etc. She has previously broken our trust by sharing photos without our permission but also has been really good for the past 6 months or more about respecting rules and boundaries. However DH and I still talked about not letting SIL be with DD5 fully alone. We are currently on holiday with her (SIL), DH, DD5 and DD 2 months. After 9 hrs of travel we arrived. I made dinner, we ate, DH went for a nap and SIL offered to take DD5 for a walk in the holiday park for 20mins. DD was crying and needing to feed after refusing all day. I was exhausted and needed to prepare for bedtime. So without thinking I agreed to the walk without asking DH. DD5 and SIL are back safely and as far as I can tell nothing we would be uncomfortable with happened. But I really shouldn't have agreed to the walk, should I? What can I do to repair the breach of trust? This is a huge deal to DH.

Ah I see, she’s only allowed to help him, not to help you.

I agreed with everyone else when I read this, and haven’t changed my mind on reading the updates - what kind of man, after his bfing wife cooked the food for everyone, then leaves her with the baby and a very young child to go and have a nap - knowing the baby needs a feed and the older (but still very young) one will be bored, but then objects to said wife availing herself of the only help on offer.

OK he did the drive - but if that left you entertaining the kids during the drive you’re already even! Then you had to cook on top, which leaves you more in need of a nap than him, especially as bfing is well known to make you sleepy- it’s designed to, to give you some hope of the hallowed “sleeping while the baby sleeps.

Definitely sounds controlling and unpleasant.

Perhaps you should have asked SIL to wake her D up and ask him To go with her and DD.

Completely agree. If someone tells you they do not want a family member or indeed anyone else left alone with their child, please please believe them. There will be a reason that he maybe is not comfortable disclosing. Take it seriously. If the SIL knows she is not meant to be seeing the chils on their own then she is pushing the boundaries which again doesn’t bode well. Better safe than sorry. If it was a brother in law would you be comfortable?

You don't only sound unreasonable OP, you sound off your rockers. Your poor kids are going to damaged with such restrictive parenting, you're lucky that your SIL wants anything to do with them - or you.

I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past

I'd be more worried about your 'D' H and more distrustful of him than your SIL.

So he can't even parent his own child alone? What a complete waste of space he is! Do you need to call your brother or sister or something over to help you parent if he is not there? I bet not!

Has DH addressed his anger issues while you've been together or does he make you feel like it's your fault that he gets angry? You mentioned that you don't deal with DH/conflict very well which isn't surprising in the circumstances, but it's hard for you to get equally angry with him when you have children because you're probably protecting them from his angry behaviour too.

There's nothing more obvious to me than a man who controls his wife with his anger - did he witness this behaviour growing up, did he have a controlling father and a submissive mother - that's where it usually stems from.

My ex's father used to work & then go to the pub while his mum catered for their 2 children, met all their needs and basically enabled his dad.

Thanks everyone for your I sight and for giving me alot to think about. I had a conversation with DH yesterday morning and made some of these points. He apologized and yesterday afternoon he took care of DD5, cleaned up dinner and did bedtime with DD5 too. He is loosening up with SIL too and we will let her do more with the kids too in future. It's not all sorted but it is much better.

I agree.

And he doesn’t leave the children alone with his sister when he’s looking after them. The op says he stays with them but she comes along.

And the OP said that it was for things listed that a previous poster outlined - like poor road safety or suggesting something reckless or not bothering with water or sun cream.

So seems like a very valid reason for me not to want someone to be on sole charge of your young child

He’s always allowed her around the kids you have said.

So he is still adamant no sole care of DD isn’t he? @Trustwithboudaries

If your husband wants control over every interaction, are you OK? It's not usual to expect to apologise for allowing your 5 year old to go for a stroll in public with her aunt.

Have you ever spoken with your in laws as to this approach from their son towards their daughter?

Why can't your child have sweets? Poor kid, you sound like you have very controlling parents. Just saying. Unless she has allergies I can't see why she can't have some sweets? And if it is due to allergies, surely you've told your SIL, so shes aware and wouldn't get them anyway. Sorry, but you just come across as controlling.

Quite honestly your DH and you sound nuts, very controlling and ott. I thought you were going to say that the Aunt was encouraging DD to smoke or vape the way you watch her every move. Lighten up and allow their relationship to develop. The Aunt has not done anything awful.

Lock her up, how dare she give your child sweets without your knowledge...Fgs! Why don't you just tell her not to give your dd sweets. Your dh is a sulky arse too. Your family needs to grow up

A good point but if anyone poses a risk to your children in any way, why would you take them on holiday with you? A completely irresponsible decision, surely?

DH decided to go for a nap with all this happening- he is not in a position to be on his high horse about it- you need to stop looking at everything from DH's perspective. His opinion and his will are not necessarily the most important thing in the room.

I’d take my little bro on holiday with me (32). I wouldn’t allow him to take my 5 year old on a walk. She’d come back burnt, dehydrated, high on sugar. Loves her uncle! But he is hopelessly self absorbed!

This isnt a normal reaction. You are being in reasonable and off the scale or being completely bat shit crazy

Brilliant update and very glad to hear it, thanks for coming back to the thread. I wish you lots of luck.

him parenting , cleaning up after dinner doing bedtime , should not be a big favour he bestows on you to shut you up

it should be an everyday thing that you don't have to show gratitude for , every hour , every day consistently without expecting a medal

So pleased for the update

Like, really weirdly unreasonable.
Precious firstborn? No one with more than one kid would act like this 😄
I’d be so hurt and insulted if I were her. So what if she gives her a few sweets; it’s hardly child abuse 🙄

You sound like a pair of cranks. Especially DH.

@Ifihadlegs

it would have to be a pretty long walk for a child to return dehydrated.