To let my SIL go for a walk with my DD?

[Trustwithboudaries]

I think i am being unreasonable! But here's the situation. We haven't let my SIL be alone with our DD now 5, without us nearby. My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us, be safe enough etc. She has previously broken our trust by sharing photos without our permission but also has been really good for the past 6 months or more about respecting rules and boundaries. However DH and I still talked about not letting SIL be with DD5 fully alone. We are currently on holiday with her (SIL), DH, DD5 and DD 2 months. After 9 hrs of travel we arrived. I made dinner, we ate, DH went for a nap and SIL offered to take DD5 for a walk in the holiday park for 20mins. DD was crying and needing to feed after refusing all day. I was exhausted and needed to prepare for bedtime. So without thinking I agreed to the walk without asking DH. DD5 and SIL are back safely and as far as I can tell nothing we would be uncomfortable with happened. But I really shouldn't have agreed to the walk, should I? What can I do to repair the breach of trust? This is a huge deal to DH.

It's not a breach of trust, and you do yourself a disservice calling it that.

Your real issue is that you have apparently not made the situation known to your SIL. So make that clear to her, and she'll stop offering, until such time as she is felt to be trustworthy.

Also an anecdote - I was in a dance show and two of my nieces were in it too. One niece was crying at the end, didn't want to do the finale, tired and overwhelmed. The other ladies found me to comfort her and said that I could give her one of our celebrations chocolates. I hugged her, gave encouragement and took her and let her chose and this was enough to stop her crying. She didn't even eat it and presented it on the way home. A few weeks later we were talking about the dance show and she recalled how I gave her some chocolate to stop her crying. What I thought was such an insignificant thing had an actual impact! that's what aunties are for, another adult that you can trust and can comfort you. It's sad that this role is being diminished.

So he can't ever be alone with his kids, so always gets sil but doesn't trust her? This is really unfair to sil who is giving so much of her time and efforts.

What a FUCKER.
this holidays, make sure you take sil for a walk and make him stay and parent his own dc.
then plan your divorce. Maybe sil will come round and give you an actual break once you’re single and he’s not there. Poor woman, she’s being abused by him too. But you can break your children free.

"What can I do to repair the breach of trust? "

Seriously? He needs to chill and your reaction here makes me worried tbh.

I understand why you don't want to leave her with SIL but you did nothing wrong letting her take DD for a walk and your reaction about repairing breach of trust with your DH is OTT. You're her mother and can also make judgement calls about your daughter .

I'm glad you've opened up and been able to see what the real issues are and where they're coming from - it's a step in the right direction and you've booked some therapy. Sometimes when you're stuck in shit city you can't figure out what's wrong except that little voice in your head keeps telling you and you keep trying to push it down - it's not supposed to be like this is it - only when you start seeing it for what it is are you able to take some control back.

When couples have children they either support & help each other or they separate into mother & father roles going in opposite directions - a lot of people have grown up in families where this has happened, the children then grow up and repeat that behaviour in their own marriages/families.

You have a typical alpha male husband who wants a submissive wife - cooks, cleans and rears the children whilst juggling the housework and counting the hours' sleep she might get if she's lucky, along with doing what her husband tells her. If she strays out of the boundaries he gets angry. I know cos I had a husband like that, I don't anymore. He used to rope his mother in to do his share of what he didn't want to do, and sometimes his sister.

Is everyone scared of him & his controlling ways? LTB is a sensible idea but focus on yourself and your own wellbeing because he won't. His job is done.

As far as SIL is concerned, yes the sharing of photos online can be a biggie for some parents because it's their child, other parents don't mind - it's very individualistic. Giving sweets is the same - parents set rules and hope that family will respect them. Obviously not all parents are concerned with the same things. Safety - as a parent you're always on red alert and learn as you go along, half the things I know about child safety are through my own experience and seeking advice but everyone isn't the same. Assuming SIL has no children of her own, she may not have a very big radar at all but that's not her fault, you have to make her aware of what she needs to cover and make sure it's delivered as 'can you' advice not orders cos then you'll sound like DH.

If SIL is this awful then why on earth are you on holiday together? And why does DH call her in whenever he's in charge of the kids if he doesn't trust her?
It must be a constant battle having her around while trying to work out if she's presenting any risk at any given moment.
Sounds like a super controlling DH whose rule is 'his way or the highway'. And he has anger issues and I wonder if you're scared of him, OP.
Food for thought.

Wow. Your poor SIL.
I don’t hold my 5 year olds hand crossing the road 😮.

Controlling much…

Your real issue is that your husband is a selfish, controlling, emotionally abusive arsehole, and I’m glad you’re coming to realise this OP. You sound scared of him, and that is not right in a marriage.

I feel sorry for your SIL, it’s ok for him to use her to help him out because he’s such a shit parent, but he wants to control how she does it.

She sounds like a great person to still help out under these terms and to step in with the exact help you needed earlier when he went for a nap. A nap ffs.Lazy selfish POS.

Oh and don’t even think of apologising to him. You’ve done nothing wrong.

So if it’s a “bit like this” then surely you don’t feel comfortable allowing her to take your child out?

Clearly posted on the wrong thread 🙄

It is very unfair of you /your husband to invite his sister on holiday with you and THEN say you don't trust her with your children. So she's good enough to be an unpaid au pair under supervision, but nothing else?
Unless she has some kind of learning disability (& even then, it's not necessarily a dealbreaker), this is just insulting to her. And it's fine for an auntie to give the kids sweets occasionally.... that's part of the fun of being an aunt!

So he’s happy to use her generosity, but not happy to actually let her be an Auntie in her own right? Happy to get her to help him parent but not go on a walk with her niece? Pathetic and selfish.

So he’s happy to let you be exhausted and look after children on your own when he could be there? Pathetic and selfish. How much of the nights is he involved with? How much of the relentlessness of young children? The early mornings? Nappies? Bathtimes? Bedtimes?

I would suggest a firm conversation about the hypocrisy in his actions. And show your sister in law how much you appreciate her…many people don’t want to be around young children much but she is happy to help.

Fuck me, a few sweets. That's a hanging offence.

What's wrong with sharing photos? "Breach of trust" jesus fucking christ. It's an aunt taking a few pics of her niece. Some parents act like any relative posting a single photo on social media is akin to trafficking their precious child to pedos. Utterly insane.

How fucking insulting. I hope this poor woman stays the fuck away from her nasty brother and his totally spineless wife (the OP). Why is she on holiday with these arseholes?
Christ, some people manage to keep their own kid alive for a few years and they think they’re some sort of childcare guru with skills that no other person on earth could emulate.

Unless she has some kind of learning disability (& even then, it's not necessarily a dealbreaker), this is just insulting to her. And it's fine for an auntie to give the kids sweets occasionally.... that's part of the fun of being an aunt!

Tbh it sounds like OP has a learning disability due to how strictly black and white she views parenting. It's like they have rules like "no sweets" or "no pictures" and anyone who dares to breach that is tarred forever. Can't believe she actually put her SIL on a 6 month probation of "good behaviour" before allowing her to come on holiday with them.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming and it turns out SIL is 14 or something...

I find this over controlling parenting too much. Unless family members exactly as you would, they dont get to take the kids out or spend one on one time.
My kids are not just my kids. They are someones niece/nephew/grandchild/cousin and all relationships are important not just the parent child one. Therefore if you love my kid and are a decent person I dont hinder your relationships with them. They deserve to be close to everyone who loves them. Most adults are capable of looking after a 5 year old for a few hours .She might give sweets or not do it exactly as you would. But having sweets at 5 won't change who she is at 20 - she will imo be happier if she grows up with a close relationship with wider family. An aunt who shows kindness and wants to be involved is a massive gift. Let her go the walk/out for ice cream/whatever. Whats the fear .....she will not cross the road correctly? Why do you think that? Put suncream on before she goes and give her a water bottle with her.

Ot if they ever have an emergency andcSIL is the only available childcare.

Christ, some people manage to keep their own kid alive for a few years and they think they’re some sort of childcare guru with skills that no other person on earth could emulate.

Most "no sweets/no photos" parents I've met are insufferable narcissists. They genuinely believe they're better than others despite only having one child for a few years. It's also very performative as they have to let others know that they're doing these things. Normal families have no more shits to give once the third child comes along 😂

After reading your replies OP, sorry but I think your DH is more of a worry to you than your SIL. Control, anger, criticism. Not just of you but I bet your children as they get older.