To let my SIL go for a walk with my DD?

[Trustwithboudaries]

I think i am being unreasonable! But here's the situation. We haven't let my SIL be alone with our DD now 5, without us nearby. My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us, be safe enough etc. She has previously broken our trust by sharing photos without our permission but also has been really good for the past 6 months or more about respecting rules and boundaries. However DH and I still talked about not letting SIL be with DD5 fully alone. We are currently on holiday with her (SIL), DH, DD5 and DD 2 months. After 9 hrs of travel we arrived. I made dinner, we ate, DH went for a nap and SIL offered to take DD5 for a walk in the holiday park for 20mins. DD was crying and needing to feed after refusing all day. I was exhausted and needed to prepare for bedtime. So without thinking I agreed to the walk without asking DH. DD5 and SIL are back safely and as far as I can tell nothing we would be uncomfortable with happened. But I really shouldn't have agreed to the walk, should I? What can I do to repair the breach of trust? This is a huge deal to DH.

I think your husband tells you he doesn't trust her and makes a big thing of this.. so that you don't get too friendly with her, be knows she can see through him and he is a lazy controlling dick and be doesn't want you palling up with her and her questioning you on why he does things like go for a nap and leave you to deal with the kids and dinner.

That you are uncomfortable about telling your husband about this, is concerning in itself.

It's such a minor thing. are you afraid of him?

Why are you on holiday with someone you don’t trust around your children?

Has your (presumably adult) SIL ever done anything so awful that she really can't be trusted with your child for 20 minutes?? I don't think I have ever had any family member or friend over 18 who I wouldn't let take a 5 year old for a 20 min walk if they offered to help me out. Even the ones I don't like very much.

I don't think sometimes giving her some sweets in the past without telling you should disqualify her from spending time with he alone forever! It doesn't sound as if we are talking about a potential abuser here!

YANBU but your husband is.

Why did u make dinner and look after two children while poor tired Dh went for nap and now you’re worried he won’t approve of u taking up Sil offer to help

Why go on holiday with her at all then??

There’s too many gaps in this story to make a credible judgement.

was she irresponsible for sharing pictures of your child, absolutely but in what way does that constitute not trusting her to be alone with your child?

in fact if I were this paranoid I would not even be on holiday with any adult I can not trust to be around my child.

perhaps because I’m an over worked and overtired mother, having a holiday and with a lovely SIL offering to keep my child occupied sounds like a godsend.

Chill out

OP writes a frankly bonkers post that makes no sense and has no background to illustrate why in god's name the aunt can't be trusted with a child, and then disappears. So frustrating.

Alternatively, which I really hope it isn't, she is in a truly abusive relationship and hasn't been able to come back to us.

This.

If your DH has a problem he shouldn't nap instead of being a parent.

Yeah the problem is him going for a nap. You’re doing it all, and he’ll be angry you accepted a reasonable offer of help while he couldn’t give a fuck.

if it really mattered he wouldn’t agree to holiday with SIL.

it should be more like, how can he make this up to you

Without the full information we can’t judge. Is your sister a sex offender, drug user, mentally incapable of staying on the path and remembering to bring your DD home? Otherwise this is a bizarre question

Agree with everyone that DH is the problem in material terms.

But also, unless she's a drug addict or something, it sounds like your DH has issues with his sister that are deep psychological ones to do with his family dynamic or past situations.

Unless you can give more information on what exactly the SIL has done wrong, then YANBU at all and your husband is controlling and quite unpleasant by the sound of things.

None of what you've described would be described as a big deal by anyone who wasn't borderline abusive IMO. And from the little you've said, yes I think he's abusive.

And what sort of person goes on holiday with a person they distrust that much?

You have gone on holiday with someone you don’t trust with your child? Why?
And unless there is a huge backstory here you are being totally unreasonable.

Is your DH controlling or does he have genuine reason to believe your SIL is a risk to your DD?

If you guys don't trust her with your kids why did you bring her on holiday with them?

It may be that because you’re tired from travelling etc that this feels a bigger deal than it is. Or it may be there is more to be said about the SIL that’s relevant than you’ve been able to post. Or it might be that the issue is with your DH. I don’t know. I mention these things because on the face of it, it’s not clear what risks you are concerned about. Re photos, I don’t think it’s uncommon for an aunt to want to show friends her niece etc but I equally get that you might not like that and it sounds like that issue has been dealt with. I don’t think giving sweets on the odd occasion is too worrisome unless it’s been a regular and significant amount. Re breach of trust, your DH was asleep and it would not be reasonable for him to expect you not to be able to make a decision re your child without him. This is a short walk, not taking her away for the weekend or something. I would expect your DH to trust you to do right by your child. Unless there is more to the SILvthen so far disclosed, your DH’s behaviour sounds a bit controlling and your level of worry disproportionate.

What has your SIL done that's so terrible that your husband doesn't trust her in any capacity? She gave your daughter some sweets and shared some photos on social media of your daughter. It's hardly a hanging offence is it??? I understand your annoyance at both incidents but it does sound as if she's listening to your boundaries.

How old is your SIL? Unless she's a child, or has disabilities that means she doesn't have mental or physical capacity, then you've both over-reacted. Your SIL can't be that bad of a person, if she's on holiday with you! How on earth is your SIL supposed to prove to her brother that she's a trusted person, if you can't even allow her to take your daughter for a walk? Your husband should be trusting your judgement, as your daughter's Mum. I'm guessing your husband rules the roost, and it's his way or the highway, and your views or opinions are dismissed. You shouldn't be frightened of your husband's reaction, to you making a decision.

So DH left you to deal with children & SIL who can't be trusted and went for a nap, then moans about what happened while he was asleep. Didn't you need a nap?

Might give her sweets 😂 so what?

I think OP is seeing the light about what a controlling relationship she is in thanks to this thread...

Well I sort of hope so, anyway. It is better than the alternative which is that both she and her DH are controlling, mean, small-minded, vindictive and unforgiving to the SIL.

Why can’t she give her sweets? This is what aunties are for the bag of sweets when they go park together. You and your husband are unreasonable .

Unreasonable not to give bags of sweets?. How ridiculous!

Is there something you’re not telling us? If not your DH needs to get over himself. This is bizarre behaviour from both of you.

Surely you can each make minor (and this is extremely minor) parenting decisions independently