To let my SIL go for a walk with my DD?

[Trustwithboudaries]

I think i am being unreasonable! But here's the situation. We haven't let my SIL be alone with our DD now 5, without us nearby. My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us, be safe enough etc. She has previously broken our trust by sharing photos without our permission but also has been really good for the past 6 months or more about respecting rules and boundaries. However DH and I still talked about not letting SIL be with DD5 fully alone. We are currently on holiday with her (SIL), DH, DD5 and DD 2 months. After 9 hrs of travel we arrived. I made dinner, we ate, DH went for a nap and SIL offered to take DD5 for a walk in the holiday park for 20mins. DD was crying and needing to feed after refusing all day. I was exhausted and needed to prepare for bedtime. So without thinking I agreed to the walk without asking DH. DD5 and SIL are back safely and as far as I can tell nothing we would be uncomfortable with happened. But I really shouldn't have agreed to the walk, should I? What can I do to repair the breach of trust? This is a huge deal to DH.

Oh and when we visited the problematic family member, we never got to rest. When you shadow a child every second, you do not nap, you do not sit and have a drink, you do not relax and chat. You literally shadow your children.

your husband has no business sleeping while your children were awake if these were the rules.

its really good he has the sense to protect his child from his own sister's incompetence.

It would be nice if he was equally diligent about protecting his children from the dangers of being sole parented by a completely exhausted mum. This sort of exhaustion is when mistakes happen, like falling asleep holding the baby or while the kids are in the bath.

Thanks everyone! Sorry not to respond earlier, the baby did finally sleep so I thought I would too. The post is a bit overly dramatic, sorry! I was tired and stressed (still am obviously). SIL hasn't done anything to merit this level of distrust no. DH did drive us 4 hrs or so but you are right about the nap too. It was selfish of him to do that right then. He probably would have agreed if I had asked him to help but I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past which coupled with a fear of conflict on my end mean that I don't just automatically just tell him 'no you can't have a nap right now, hold the baby!'

have you never had a relative who is capable of being an absolute menace about danger and boundaries? when you have it is absolutely awful because you just cant trust them to do normal common sense things to keep a child safe. If it was the other way around and she didnt trust the sister and the man had let the kid go out against his wife's will, we'd all be here saying he was an areshole and should have respected her wishes. Why is it different because he wants to keep his child safe? unless theres a backstory and hes a villain, its really good he has the sense to protect his child from his own sister's incompetence. this is more than most men you read about on here.

Because if the sister is a menace then she shouldn't be on holidays with them and the husband shouldn't have trotted off for a nap leaving his wife to clean up after dinner, feed the baby, mind the 5 year old and police the dangerous sister he inexplicably invited on holidays with them. If he has the good sense to protect his child from his sister's incompetence then he would not have invited her on hols, would not have swanned off for a nap and would have explained to OP exactly why sister is so dangerous that she can't take a 5 year old for a walk but can accompany them on a trip. It is all just ridiculous.

Your husband is a twat OP. Tomorrow wait until children are at peak neediness then hand them to your dh and go for a nap - and tell him of course you expect his sister to not even touch them. See how that works out for him.

Thank you! That is a really helpful wag of putting it

He probably would have agreed if I had asked him to help but I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past which coupled with a fear of conflict on my end mean that I don't just automatically just tell him 'no you can't have a nap right now, hold the baby!'

I don't like the sound of your husband OP. Sorry.

Thank you! I'll do that.

is it actually a huge deal to DH? What’s happened since they got back?

Hanging with my aunt and her treating me occasionally is a treasured childhood memory and we’re still really close - do you want them to have a relationship? If the worst thing she’s done is given your daughter sweets I think you need to loosen up a bit. She’s 5, not 2.

I'm sorry, OP, but as I'm sure many posters will tell you, this is essentially emotional abuse.

When you have children, you put their needs first. Both parents, not just the mother.

Truly I had no idea so many women put up with shit husbands, controlling husbands and just plain weird husbands, not until I joined MN.

Nothing wrong with your sister in law. An auntie's job is to occasionally spoil their neice/nephew with a sweet. You living in fear of your husband and his anger issues is not a sign of being in a healthy marriage.

' I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past which coupled with a fear of conflict on my end '

you are frightened of asking your husband to parent his own child ?

why on earth did you have a 2nd child with him

Is SIL a child?

No! Why do you need to apologise? What's really going on, OP? Why can't his sister take out your 5-year-old for a walk? This is not normal.

And this, with bells on.

It's a bit like this exactly. She's lovely just can't be trusted completely with things like hand holding while crossing roads etc. There is no big back story of how terrible she is!

Sorry to break this but that is not your DD she brought back.

DSIL clearly bribed her with sweets and sold her to aliens in exchange for an alien imposter.

OP this thread is nuts ... Sweets from an aunt are just not a big deal.

He he I'll try that. He does always invite SIL over to help him parent whenever I do go out (though always with him in the house too).

It might help clarify if you added more detail as to what the sister has done in the past. "not holding the daughter's hand while crossing the street" is serious but giving her sweets is nothing (unless your DD is diabetic).

Thanks everyone. Noted about the emotional abuse/ controlling thing. I dont think you are wrong. I've booked some therapy and I'll try to work through it there and see if I need to start thinking about LTB.

He he definitely aliens involved!

@Pallisershas nailed it.

How old is sil ?

and why is she on holiday with you ?

'My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us,' I'm always giving my nieces and nephews sweets without telling my sisters :o that's what aunties are for - we are a bad influence and the fun one haha. I do make them eat their savoury things first though. I also return their children in a feral state (which I am always ashamed about but my sisters send the girls out in pink on a walk which they know will include mud, sand or water :o)

She's in her thirties, and she is on holiday to spend time with the kids and help! Which agreed makes the issue with the walk a bit ridiculous

I feel sorry for the sil. I havent read all the comments but is no-one asking why you can't just tell her exactly what she needs to do and how important x y and z is (although it sounds very patronising actually?) Shes 30 odd years old and you've just said she's literally there on hol to help! Dh sounds very unfair to her if she hasn't actually done anything wrong.. at all? Do you realise how this all sounds? I am 37 and have a 1 year old and previous to that I didn't have any experience looking after any children at all come to think about it. But I'm not stupid. I'd be heartbroken and mortified if someone, let alone my own family, distrusted me so much for no apparent reason other than I go on my phone? There's nothing else concrete you've said and just tell her no about the sweets but also, that's what aunties do sometimes and what's the big deal with a few sweets? Maybe she does go on her phone but do you know she'd be that careless with a child in tow, very much doubt it. She could be the best auntie ever if given half a chance, and yes, a little support from you guys if she doesn't have much experience (which is fine we all learn sometime!!). You even said she's lovely, poor thing. Your dh needs to address his awful attitude towards his own family.