AIBU to tell my older children about GP's terminal cancer before exams?

[DifficultDilemmaMakingMeSad]

My mother has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, terminal, completely out of the blue. She was bluelighted in last Wednesday with stomach pains and got a terminal bowel cancer diagnosis on Thursday. To say we are blindsided is an understatement.

I have four children - two are doing GCSEs and A levels, two are about to graduate (but have finished their finals). We all want to keep this from the two doing public exams and so I'm working and pretending all is fine, after dashing down to see my mother, father and brother last weekend having made up an excuse about getting out of the way whilst they revise...

Today my mother has been told she will be given 3 months of chemo to see whether it can buy a bit more time, which is better news than we hoped. However, once she starts chemo, she is going to be super careful about who she sees due to her suppressed immunity.

So, my AIBU is - would I be completely unreasonable to tell the older two now and not the younger two? The older two would then be able to visit before they get into being in large groups/graduation balls etc albeit I know that I will ruin the last few carefree weeks of their uni experience....or do I not say anything to any of them until the younger two have finished - which may mean they can't see her for quite some time?! I am planning to go down the second the final A level exam is done in three weeks time and take over from my brother who is holding the fort currently (no children, and he's a surgeon with the specialty in my mother's cancer :-( ). The prognosis is "to think in weeks, months, but not years" so we hope there is a bit of time, although my brother says these things can go sideways very quickly.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DM.

No experience but my instinct would be to tell all of the children. The older DCs may tell the younger, anyway, or feel burdened to keep the secret along with knowing the devastating news.

Hopefully others will chime in soon but I didn't want to read and run.

x

Do not tell anyone until the exams are done
let them focus and do the best they can
it is a horrible situation
💐

I would tell them. They’re adults, and I’m sure they would like the opportunity to see her more safely. I wouldn’t patronise them by assuming they can’t handle the news (I know you don’t mean to). They will also probably still be able to enjoy their uni balls etc and compartmentalise this horrible news for an evening. I am very sorry for your family.

Personally I wouldn't tell any of them until the A levels and GCSEs are over.

Exams come first.

Pressed enter too soon! I wouldn't tell any of them because once one knows then I suspect it will get out and it isn't fair on the ones sitting crucial exams.

I didn't learn about my Grandmother's death until I'd finished my uni exams. I felt it was exactly the right decision. I would really have felt obliged to spend time supporting my Mum, if I had known. Obviously by not telling me she proved she didn’t need me!

I would tell all or none as some knowing and others not could cause upset between siblings, particularly if things do go sideways.

I personally wouldn't tell any of the "children" until the last exam had been taken.

What is it with MN and life must stop for exams? is it an English thing? I’m in Scotland and our kids do Nats and Highers (equally difficult) I’ve yet to encounter anyone in RL with this attitude.
Tell them, they’re not babies.
She might not have 3 months and they’ll be angry you withheld it, secrets are never good.

So sorry to hear this. I would be inclined to tell them all, as you mentioned they’ve told you to think in weeks and months. It’s really difficult to think about, but this means they have the opportunity to spend time with her before any potential sudden decline,

i would also speak to their schools about extenuating circumstances and how to log this with exam boards, so they are protected on this front if they feel they haven’t been able to perform to their best ability with the sad news.

I'm so sorry OP, I think I would either tell them all, or none at all. I don't think it's fair to expect the older 2 to keep the news to themselves.
My DM had 3 months of intensive chemo and it knocked her for 6, I think you say that it's another 3 weeks before exams are over, but if your mums 3 weeks into chemo by then she may feel awful - just from my experience, I would want to see her before that chemo starts.

I wouldn't tell tany of them. Even if they get extenuating circumstances in their exams it would be up to 5% of their raw scores which is nothing considering the news you will deliver. Surely your Mum would want them to do well and this will tank that.

https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/special-consideration-in-gcse-as-and-a-level-summer-2023-exam-series/background-information-for-special-consideration-in-gcse-as-and-a-level-summer-2023-exam-series

I would wait. We had this in our family, not exams but massive life event happening and it was my lovely MIL who was diagnosed and she said don't tell them until the even has happened. It would have ruined the excitement build up and as their parents we agreed.

@Ilikewinter my MIL locked herself down before her chemo to stay safe, that was including Christmas day. She didn't want to mix with anyone in case she caught something so she quarantined herself.

They may not get to see her in person because of that.

We were in this exact position last year, with my beautiful mum, who we then lost in October. It was right before my youngest did her SATS and my eldest sat her first GCSE. We chose to tell our eldest, as she could sense something was wrong and this was stressing her, and we felt that she would be more stressed by not knowing and worrying, than by being told. We waited until after the SATS to tell my youngest.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it is so hard amd totally unfair.

What does your Mum think?

Ditto, and it's exactly what I did when I was diagnosed with cancer a few months before our son's GCSE exams. Managed to keep it quiet and even went through chemo without him noticing. There was no way I was risking him doing badly in the exams because of worrying/stressing about me. At the end of the day, I knew it wouldn't make any difference to him whether he knew or not, it's not as if he could do anything about it to help me.

In the event, we didn't tell him after his exams either as I'd got through the chemo and got the "all clear", so at that time it was all history anyway.

Ironically it flared up again a few months before his A levels, and I did the same again - didn't tell him and got through the treatment, successful outcome again.

The same happened three years later when he was at the end of his university degree. Again, didn't tell him, and it was easier as he wasn't at home anyway so wasn't present to see the side effects of the chemo.

I know it will fry some people's minds that I've had cancer for several years, gone through three courses of treatment and still didn't tell DS, but it's a decision we didn't make lightly, DH agreed with my reasoning, and ultimately it did no harm to DS.

We'd agreed throughout that we'd only tell him if things got serious, treatment wasn't working, I became unwell, or got a terminal prognosis, but none of that happened so we could keep postponing the "bad news" conversation.

GCSEs and A Levels finish in 1 month so just wait to tell them all.

Typical survival rates after a stage 4 diagnosis of bowel cancer are 15 to 30 months so waiting a month is sensible.

My grandad lived 3 years after his diagnosis and actually died of bone cancer in the end!

I think your mum should get a say, does she want to see them before chemo or wait?

Tell all of them. They're going to be aware something's going on, I doubt you're as good an actor as you think you are.

You need to tell them all now.

I'd tell all of them now. It would be different if there weren't any restrictions on them seeing her but it sounds like if you delay until after exams have finished they could potentially not see her until she's either very weak and different to 'normal' (and potentially on a lot of drugs) or even (if she reacts badly to the treatment, as some people do), not see her at all before she dies.

I think it's doing them a disservice to lie to them. Adult life is about compartmentalising - exactly as you are doing yourself, and learning that some things still go on despite your grief. They will have classmates struggling with all kinds of things, some far worse than an ill grandparent.

I think they'll all feel quite betrayed if they feel like you've 'lied' to them, and there's the possibility they will resent both you and their siblings - the youngest ones resenting the older for joining in the deception if they are 'in on it' but the older ones resenting the younger for them not being told and able to see their GP because of their younger siblings' exams if they aren't. You don't want to get into all that at the exact time when you want to be coming together as a family to support each other.

Sorry, I know you are just trying to do the best thing for everyone while also dealing with this yourself, but I can't see that wrapping them up in cotton wool is fair at all. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer when I was 17 and then died when I was at uni, and younger sibling was15-17 (so covering GCSE years), and despite our grief it didn't materially affect our exam performance - kids are resilient and although losing a grandparent is very sad, its also very common. I would have been far more upset if my parents had tried to hide it from me.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

For now I would say nothing, and continue to let them focus on exams.

If the worst happens and she starts to deteriorate quickly then I would tell your DC to give them chance to see her.

I lost a close family member to stage 4 cancer in October. It was about 8 days from diagnosis until we lost her, she wasn't strong enough for the planned chemo in the end and it soon became clear they were providing palliative care only.

Hopefully your DM gets to the chemo and you/she can decide on visiting then. Outside in her garden when you are all feeling well I'm sure would be fine. We did this with another family member as they needed to see people.

A old colleague once said deal with today one day at a time.

Sending best wishes.

tell them after exams are all done. my mother’s 40 year old sister was in hospital during covid, in a really bad state. my mom
did not say anything until i finished my phd viva and i was quite grateful for it as it was very distressing to hear

Tell them all at the same time, and after exams.

The younger two should understand you waiting for the exams but would more understandably be upset if their siblings found out first.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Tell all of them now and take them to visit.

You don't have to talk about terminal now, just say she was diagnosed with cancer, she will be starting chemotherapy which means she will have to be careful about meeting people, so you are going to visit now.

It's more important to go and visit than revisioning every single moment.

I hated when I got family news with delay because someone decided to shield me.