AIBU to tell my older children about GP's terminal cancer before exams?

[DifficultDilemmaMakingMeSad]

My mother has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, terminal, completely out of the blue. She was bluelighted in last Wednesday with stomach pains and got a terminal bowel cancer diagnosis on Thursday. To say we are blindsided is an understatement.

I have four children - two are doing GCSEs and A levels, two are about to graduate (but have finished their finals). We all want to keep this from the two doing public exams and so I'm working and pretending all is fine, after dashing down to see my mother, father and brother last weekend having made up an excuse about getting out of the way whilst they revise...

Today my mother has been told she will be given 3 months of chemo to see whether it can buy a bit more time, which is better news than we hoped. However, once she starts chemo, she is going to be super careful about who she sees due to her suppressed immunity.

So, my AIBU is - would I be completely unreasonable to tell the older two now and not the younger two? The older two would then be able to visit before they get into being in large groups/graduation balls etc albeit I know that I will ruin the last few carefree weeks of their uni experience....or do I not say anything to any of them until the younger two have finished - which may mean they can't see her for quite some time?! I am planning to go down the second the final A level exam is done in three weeks time and take over from my brother who is holding the fort currently (no children, and he's a surgeon with the specialty in my mother's cancer :-( ). The prognosis is "to think in weeks, months, but not years" so we hope there is a bit of time, although my brother says these things can go sideways very quickly.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As with all things, there are degrees as to how much you have to tell someone: you could explain to them that GM has cancer, but with treatment is expected to last a while (& no one can ever really say how long that is going to be), the important thing is to be honest but not brutal.

One of my housemates as a first year at uni had a family member die of cancer just before he started. They hadn’t wanted to “burden” him with this, so it came completely out of the blue. It was frankly awful, as he just drank himself to oblivion, full of grief & incredibly angry that he’d had no time to prepare or say goodbye.

it’s incredibly hard and there are no good answers, but I’d generally think telling thrm is better than not.

Do not tell any of them. You have a month until exams are over.

My DDs friend missed her university offer as her parents broke bad news to her a week before her last exam in the subject she struggled most in. I’m still baffled by their choice.

She missed her grade by a few marks (despite 2 remarks) and it was all pretty dreadful. I genuinely believe that the week she spent upset would have been better spent revising and changed nothing about the situation.

Exams come first? What the fuck.

OP, I am so sorry you're going through this.

My advice is, you will be suprised at your childrens resilience.

Tell them.

We're talking three months. Not years.

Exams can always be resat

A month being a third of the time with their GP

The mind boggles

Based on this update I'd tell the older two and wait till after exams with the others. It's what your mum wants and you can explain that later.

Don't tell them let them do their exams

Tell all the children at once that Granny is seriously ill and having treatment, and take them to visit her. If they don't ask her prognosis, don't offer any more details, but be clear about the terminal diagnosis if they ask.
Exams are important but this is life and death. Will they forgive you if you deliberately prevented them from saying goodbye to their beloved grandmother?
It would be very unfair to tell two children and not the others, forcing them to keep a secret from their siblings. Your DM's wishes should be taken into account, but you need to do what you feel is best in regard to your children.

Do not tell any of them until after the exams as only a few weeks to go and could really impact their results. Really sorry for you as a difficult situation. Sure their GP wouldn’t want to impact their future and last week s of uni. Would be forever tainted. They would feel obliged to come home early.

I don’t want to be insensitive, but there’s no guarantee she will make it to three months. Chemo can be brutal and prognosis isn’t an exact science. By not telling them, you could take away their chance to spend any time with her at all before the end. Exams are important of course, but there are a few things that are more important. I think this may be one of them.

I wasn’t in this exact situation but a few weeks before my a level exams, my parents announced their divorce, it blindsided me and affected my exams no matter how much I tried for it not to. Extenuating circumstances does not really make much difference to results. The consequences were about nearly rail roading my uni place and subsequent career path as well as long lasting bad feelings.
I think if there are just a few weeks left and parent is stable currently and nothing will change imminently then hold on to the news and wait, speak to your mum, ask her what she thinks, cannot beat a mothers wisdom. If it had been a few months before then yes I agree you should tell them but they are so close to completing their exams now xx

I wouldn't tell them until after their exams, unless her condition deteriorates suddenly in the meantime

She'll be having 3 months of chemo and then a scan to see if it's working. If it is (and she's feeling ok on it), they may continue. Many people with secondary bowel cancer live longer than 3 months.

Sorry you're going through this.

When you tell them, be clear and truthful.

I was A level age and my sister GCSE age when our grandad died. We were both very close to him. I genuinely didn't realise he was dying until we were on our way to the hospice to say goodbye - my parents just didn't do a good job of talking it through with us. I understand why for my mum as he was her beloved dad, but my dad should have taken the time to talk to us.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more helpful to add, other than best wishes for the best possible outcome for you all.

Really? I would have thought you can always retake exams but there’s no retake on time with a grandparent.

It depends on your kids op but I know mine would be extremely upset if I made the decision not to tell them.

God I wouldn't tell any of them! Do you even have permission to? Would your Mum honestly want you to tell them right now?

I think people have different relationships with their GPs. I was sad when mine died, but I wouldn't have spent every waking hour at their bedside.

I was mord upset for my parents.

But then you probably wouldn't be so distressed that you flunked all your exams.

When my sons grandparents all died ( 3 in 3 years) it didn't affect his school or college work at all.

I’m sorry about your mum OP.

Edited as I’ve now seen you made a later update. I would definitely tell your older DC, I would have been really upset at that age not being told. It’s your decision on your younger two, but be aware than they may have guessed and that can be worse.

She is having 3 months of chemo .. not only 3 months to live.

But these things are not guaranteed. My brother was meant to have 3 months chemo but only managed 2 weeks

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum OP.

My mum was diagnosed with cancer, and told my younger siblings who lived close by, but didn't tell me until she'd started treatment. I understand that she wanted to tell me in person, but I don't live near my parents at all. It has lost a lot of trust from me, caused resentment, and still (rightly or wrongly) affects our relationship. I truly wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't help it. Mum is now cancer free.

Whether you do it now, or post exams, please tell them all together - don't ask your older children to conceal something this big from their siblings.

Yes, I would tell the older children. If they're graduating they must be 21? When I was that age I would have coped with balancing the sadness with celebrating my success and I would not have wanted to be babied. Hiding the hard things from someone takes away their autonomy and leaves them in a bubble wrapped world. And 21 is plenty old enough to want to be part of the real world.

That may be, and I’m sorry to hear about your brother, but OP can only go off the information given by the specialists.

Yes I know this they told my brother 6 months without treatment. I think if my brother had known it would be weeks rather than months he wouldn't have bothered with the chemo

We have been in that situation and told our university student children and wished we hadn’t. The stress of the diagnosis aswell as the exams was horrendous and wished we hadnt told them the bad news until the exams are over with.

in your situation I wouldn’t tell any of your children and wait until exams are over and your mum knows more about her diagnosis and treatment and what that entails. Gives you time to digest what’s been told and see what the doctors are saying,

I would wait until the exams are over. I’d consider telling them that it was cancer but not the prognosis yet.
I hope you are doing okay, it’s a lot to deal with. 💐