AIBU to tell my older children about GP's terminal cancer before exams?

[DifficultDilemmaMakingMeSad]

My mother has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, terminal, completely out of the blue. She was bluelighted in last Wednesday with stomach pains and got a terminal bowel cancer diagnosis on Thursday. To say we are blindsided is an understatement.

I have four children - two are doing GCSEs and A levels, two are about to graduate (but have finished their finals). We all want to keep this from the two doing public exams and so I'm working and pretending all is fine, after dashing down to see my mother, father and brother last weekend having made up an excuse about getting out of the way whilst they revise...

Today my mother has been told she will be given 3 months of chemo to see whether it can buy a bit more time, which is better news than we hoped. However, once she starts chemo, she is going to be super careful about who she sees due to her suppressed immunity.

So, my AIBU is - would I be completely unreasonable to tell the older two now and not the younger two? The older two would then be able to visit before they get into being in large groups/graduation balls etc albeit I know that I will ruin the last few carefree weeks of their uni experience....or do I not say anything to any of them until the younger two have finished - which may mean they can't see her for quite some time?! I am planning to go down the second the final A level exam is done in three weeks time and take over from my brother who is holding the fort currently (no children, and he's a surgeon with the specialty in my mother's cancer :-( ). The prognosis is "to think in weeks, months, but not years" so we hope there is a bit of time, although my brother says these things can go sideways very quickly.

I think you have to tell all or none, it's not fair on any of them if some don't know.
But I don't know what I'd do in your situation. My instinct is wait until after the exams but my MIL died just a month after her terminal diagnosis and it was incredibly difficult.

Hmmmm. Age appropriate and need to know in our house.

They're on half term now. When they go back it'll be 3 weeks until the end of the exam period, I think I'd be telling them that grandma is ill, if not then prognosis - she might still be here at Christmas, she might not make results day (sorry op, this is without doubt devastating news for you).

Telling my DC that their grandma was gravely ill was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. But this is real life, and unfortunately dreadful things happen. How you approach this with them will guide them to deal with the news.

I'd bet my mortgage that they already are aware something is going on, if they overheard by accident that would be worse than telling them (some of) the truth now.

I would wait until after exams for all of them but

I’m in Scotland and my kids exams would come first.

If you decide to tell them then contact the schools exam officer and let them know. They may be entitled to special consideration and get a slight uplift in mark. If they get upset in an exam they might pull them out and have their mark based on their other papers. Do let the school know.

Whether I told them or not would depend on how close they were, will they be a bit sad or are they likely to be completely devastated? If they're likely to be completely devastated then I'd wait.

I think it’s fairly usual to want to protect a child going through exams from stress where possible. I wouldn’t tell the older ones and not younger because keeping it secret puts them in an awkward position. I’d keep it quiet till exams are over, there’s only a few weeks to go. Sorry to hear about your mum.

Surely family comes first?

This.

im really sorry to hear what your mums going through and you. Re your children if they’re close to your DM and would want to see her I’d tell them all. I’d be really annoyed that you felt I couldn’t handle it and I’d really resent you for that if it were me.

I'd tell all or none tbh. I think I'd veer towards telling all tbh, but I guess that depends entirely on your kids.

I think you have to tell them all together, that's too 'big' for the older ones to keep it from their younger siblings.
I don't know if it helps you and appreciate each circumstance is different, but my son's step mum was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer over 2 years ago, with everyone told that she literally had weeks. She only died at the end of April this year.
The exams are only a few weeks so I would hold off discussing it.

I would tell them all on the basis that "things could go sideways very quickly".

GCSEs and A Levels are very important, but not more important than having quality time with a grandparent before chemo, especially if there is a chance that she may not make it through the chemo. This is their only opportunity to have quality time with her as the grandparent they know and love, before she is exhausted by chemo or potentially the cancer does not respond and advances.

I also don't think it fair for the siblings to keep secrets and risk being blamed later.

I was the child who had to pretend I didn't know my grandmother was dying and absolutely hated that I never had the chance to say goodbye to her because her illness advanced quickly in the final stages and when we got the "come now" call we arrived minutes too late.

if i were your parent and we were in this awful situation i would tell them until exams are over (? 4 more weeks) .
Do you know when her chemo will begin yet,it may take a few weeks to complete the pre chemo workup ( assessment,bloods,port or pic fitting etc)
Im so soory you are in this situation my husband was diagnosed aged 48 yr as my son was sitting A levels and my daughter was graduating ,we delayed telling them until exams and graduation were over,this was my husbands choice.my husband had 2 good years from chemo after being told terminal less than 6 months. i still dont know if it was the right decision to delay telling my son and daughter.
Best wishes with whatever you decide.

Id be absolutely horrified if I was one of the grandchildren and something so important was hidden from me. If they are close to her and she died before they were. even told she was ill then the chance of spending time with her has been takenaway without any choice on their part

And if they aren't close they shouldn't be so upset they fall to pieces sitting exams

I've seen "weeks and months" turn into "days" often enough that I wouldn't wait.

You can tell the exam board that they were given bad news just before the exam and they will take it into consideration when marking.

Don't give up the chance to say goodbye over an exam. Even if the absolute worst happens and they flunk it, exams can be resat. You can't bring back your mother.

I really think that you should say something now and take them to visit. In my experience children feel very betrayed if the truth is kept from them. I’m so sorry that you are in this situation.

Jesus. Your poor son. He's going to find out one day and feel so betrayed.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I have read them all. I am so sorry for everyone who has been, or is also in the same situation, it's awful.

My mother is adamant that the younger two shouldn't know until after their exams. She is extremely close to my #3 child and we know it will be devastating for him in particular.

So really I think it comes down to whether I tell the older two or not - I lost my maternal aunt and both maternal grandparents to cancer when I was at uni and so I know what the impact is going to be on them, but thankfully they have finished to all intents and purposes.

Also they will not be home with the younger two before the end of exams - they could go directly to my parents and back to uni so keeping it from the younger two won't be as hard as if they were around and at home.

I still have a few days to decide - my mother says she's OK with the older two knowing and visiting, but it has to be up to DH and me....and I'm still really conflicted.

I would not be telling the children doing their exams until after. They have their whole life ahead of them and need the best results they can get.

I would tell the older two if I trusted them to be able to keep it to themselves.

Either tell them all or don't tell any of them. It's too big a secret to expect the two older ones to keep, and too much to expect them to act as if everything is fine when they might be dying inside.

Sending you hugs OP.
I really think they all need to be told together, so obviously after the exams are finished. There’s only another month of exams, your mum is having 3 months of chemo, so the timing isn’t too bad really.

I’d tell them all.

I am sorry to hear this, what a lot for you to deal with all of a sudden.

I'd be horrified if news like that was kept from me (especially if I was 18), but clearly families do things in different ways and I know a lot of people shield children/teens from a lot of stuff.

I'd tell them all she was sick but not how sick, all could visit, then suggest the younger two get back to their exams. That way, if there was a sudden change for the worse, you would be able to let them know.

But if you don't want to tell the younger two, then I don't think I would tell any of them.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your mum, OP.

This sounds like such a difficult situation, but I'd worry that telling the older 2 now and the younger 2 later could lead to further upset down the line between the siblings if the younger siblings found out that the others already knew (could happen at anytime, passing comment in the future etc).

Sending hugs x

I'd be afraid, that not telling them can cause more harm then telling.

There is a good chance they will notice the tension, but not understand it. And unclear tension is much worse for concentration than clear information.

Additionally, if the chemo means she will look more ill in a few weeks time, it would be much better to plan the visit now, when she looks just "normally ill". Better memories, better time together.

You don't have to use words like terminal, you can say "will see how it reacts to the treatment".

Sounds like your DM will be on board of not going all in with the information.