AIBU to tell my older children about GP's terminal cancer before exams?

[DifficultDilemmaMakingMeSad]

My mother has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, terminal, completely out of the blue. She was bluelighted in last Wednesday with stomach pains and got a terminal bowel cancer diagnosis on Thursday. To say we are blindsided is an understatement.

I have four children - two are doing GCSEs and A levels, two are about to graduate (but have finished their finals). We all want to keep this from the two doing public exams and so I'm working and pretending all is fine, after dashing down to see my mother, father and brother last weekend having made up an excuse about getting out of the way whilst they revise...

Today my mother has been told she will be given 3 months of chemo to see whether it can buy a bit more time, which is better news than we hoped. However, once she starts chemo, she is going to be super careful about who she sees due to her suppressed immunity.

So, my AIBU is - would I be completely unreasonable to tell the older two now and not the younger two? The older two would then be able to visit before they get into being in large groups/graduation balls etc albeit I know that I will ruin the last few carefree weeks of their uni experience....or do I not say anything to any of them until the younger two have finished - which may mean they can't see her for quite some time?! I am planning to go down the second the final A level exam is done in three weeks time and take over from my brother who is holding the fort currently (no children, and he's a surgeon with the specialty in my mother's cancer :-( ). The prognosis is "to think in weeks, months, but not years" so we hope there is a bit of time, although my brother says these things can go sideways very quickly.

I think all your children need to know at the same time. It's not fair for the two eldest to know before the youngest however good your intentions - it could cause resentment (especially if your mum goes downhill quicker than expected and two get to spend time with her and two don't) and it's not fair on your elder two to have to keep it a secret. I'd also err towards telling all your children now - they may realise you're upset / worried but not know why, and it's fair to give them a chance to see her. Are they near-ish by so you can all go for an afternoon? I think whether you tell them all now or all after the final exam is a more finely balanced decision than telling them all at the same time.

Absolutely do not tell them. It won’t help anyone.

The answers here are interesting. As someone whose parents hid bad news from them I would say tell them all as I have not trusted my parents ever since and tend to spend a lot of time worrying bad things have happened when they haven't. However others on here have had different reactions to the same situation.

I agree with someone earlier that you dont have to say it's terminal, just that she has cancer and she is receiving treatment.

Things can change quickly.sorry to say this but what if she passed because she got an infection? I would tell the children in this case I think.

Please tell them now. And I agree that it doesn’t need to be about the terminal prognosis just that she has cancer and would welcome hearing from them.

There is no way I’d tell my kids before such important exams. My parents told me something similar before my A levels and I remember thinking why didn’t they wait a few weeks. I was really annoyed and they seemed to be waiting for a big reaction from me. I needed 3 As at A level to get onto my course I’d been planning on doing for 4 years so I had to just get on. It would have been easier if they’d have waited to tell me.

The person that was ill was also really annoyed that they had told me before exams. She said she was really angry and would have felt to she was to blame if I didn’t get my grades. Obviously it wouldn’t have been her fault, but I loved her for putting me first, unlike my parents.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer 7 years ago and died a very short time afterwards. my son was doing a levels at the time and I kept it from him, which I regret immensely. they were very close. I truly hope that your mum has lots of weeks and months left, but how would you and they feel if they missed an opportunity to see her?

They'll all sense something is up. Just be bright and breezy. 'Grandma's been diagnosed with cancer she's having treatment that might restrict visits'.

Sorry about your dm, being open and upfront is best imo.

I wouldn’t tell them yet. I would prioritise what I thought was in the best interests of my children.

Tell all of them after the younger twos exams and proms etc if they are having them, are done. They deserve to celebrate and it’s sounds like you have some time.

only issue is if you’ve told the older ones already ….

I’m in a similar situation OP. Eldest 2 work and youngest doing her A levels. I’ve chosen with my mum’s agreement not to tell them until youngest finishes her exams. Sorry you are going through this too xx

I’d tell them she had cancer and would be going through chemotherapy, but not that it’s terminal at this point. That way they can visit. I don’t think it should be hidden tbh, I think there’s the possibility of real resentment later because of hiding it. If things deteriorate and you feel it impacts their exams, the school can apply to the exam boards for special circumstances.

So sorry you and your family are going through this.

I would tell them all. A stage 4 diagnosis doesn’t mean she’s going to die tomorrow. She is still far from the late stage ‘terminal’. I have cancer and while mine is advanced (meaning treatable but not curable), I’m not likely to die any time soon. I’m not avoiding anyone. I’m going about life as normal. Your mum doesn’t need to sequester herself away. What’s the point of a few extra months if you can’t enjoy them?

I’d tell everyone assuming it’s not on the eve of exams. Give them time to process, but let them spend time with her as and when they and she wish. Quality is key here. She will want to make the most of her time with people she loves and it’s much easier to do that when everyone understands and is on the same page.

Fwiw, my dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer when I was in uni. I was told he had cancer and was starting treatment, nothing more. No one told me he was going to die. He died 3 weeks after diagnosis and I never got to see him until he was in a coma in hospital. If I’d known, I would have made the most of those 3 weeks. It’s why I told my kids straight away and have always been upfront with them.

Exams will be over in a couple of weeks

do not tell them .

if you must , just says she’s unwell but leave out the detail till after.

I wouldn’t tell any of them till the exams are over. This is important stuff, particularly the A levels, for the sake of another 4 weeks.

My friend was in a very similar situation. She waited an told them as soon as possible afterwards and the children flew home that night.

I would tell them. Worst case scenario, exams can be retaken. Precious memories cannot.

Sorry to hear of your news xx

I absolutely wouldn't tell them until after the exams. So sorry to hear about your mum x

I would wait until after the exams. It is only a couple of weeks. I say that having been in a very similar situation.

My DD is currently doing A Levels, during her GCSE’s she told me she didn’t want to know if Gma died until her exams were finished. I’m working on the same principle for these exams. Don’t tell any of them until all exams are over.

Don’t tell anyone until after the exams!!!

I've experienced something like this twice. The first time was during my GCSEs. Someone who had looked after me for years as a child died. Not as close as a grandparent, but someone I was fond of. My DM didn't tell me because of my exams, but then told someone else on the phone, while I was in the room. I was furious that she had not told me, but then was careless enough for me to overhear it. It was pretty typical of my mum. I think telling two of your children would make this a big risk.

The second time, my grandmother died during my finals and I wasn't told until I'd done my last exam. I knew it was exactly what my grandmother would have wanted. So I'd take a lead from your mother, as your DC will absolutely take whatever you do better if they know it is what she wants too.

I would tell the older two the full details and give them a chance to come home and see her and spend time with her. I’d tell the younger two shes poorly, but not the full details till after exams - assuming the older two are trustworthy. It’s not ideal, but I don’t think you can take the chance of tanking their exams, but equally shouldn’t take the chance
from the older two to see her, given it could be weeks.

A family at my school were in this position. We do IB, so exams are over.
The grandmother had a cancer diagnosis and they planned to tell the grandchildren after their exams. Unfortunately she died a few weeks after the diagnosis. One student had finished but her cousin had three exams left. The family planned to keep it quiet until he had finished but someone mentioned it on a family chat.

I would tell all the children.

Does your mum have an opinion?

I didn't tell my own child that he had cancer right away for various reasons and it was absolutely the right decision. The only thing that would make me hesitate a little is the terminal diagnosis and potentially not having a chance to see her if it was to suddenly take a turn for the worse earlier than expected.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.