My mum thinks my new friend is a "red flag". is she right?

[Nachochilli]

I'm 31 but I’ve been through a lot health-wise which left me with a bit of a gap in my memory and experience, so I sometimes feel more like I'm 21. We're both white and straight.

A little over a month ago, I started talking to a guy I went to school with. We've been messaging all day every day and playing games online, and it's been really fun. It feels easy to talk to him, and he's been kind to me. He knows about my health history and the fact that I feel a bit behind, and he's been fine with it.

He does flirt quite a bit, though. He talks about things like wanting to go for walks, or wishing I could come over to his to share a takeaway and watch films, or mentioning stuff like spooning. Like, he'll mention how he's taking a nap. And then he'll say "I wish you were here you could be the little spoon". He tells me I'm his favourite person to talk to and says things like "you're the one" when we realise we like the same films.. Kissing emojis at the end of some sentences. He also mentioned how I look really young (which people have said I do), like I'm 18 or 19.

He was last in a relationship 4 years ago. Lasted 6. He lives with his mum.

My mum is absolutely horrified by all of this. She thinks he is a massive red flag and is convinced he's trying to groom me because I'm vulnerable. She thinks he's taking advantage of the fact that I don't have as much life experience as other 31 year olds. She blocked me from meeting him for a walk around the estate last week and is constantly warning me that his intentions are probably predatory, not friendly.

Some odd things I did notice:

1. He doesn't like my posts, and I commented on one of his photos and couldn't find my comment after. It didn't appear in my activity log.
2. In his mentions, he had friends wishing him happy birthday. One of them was, "happy birth day to everyone's fave roadman". Which he liked. He does not work on building roads, he's a decorator, so I assume it's the other meaning.

I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks he's just a nice guy who likes me, but part of me is starting to wonder if I'm missing something obvious because of my past. Is my mum being overprotective and reading too much into his comments, or is she actually seeing something that I'm completely blind to? I really value my mum's opinion, but I don't want to throw away a friendship if she's just being unfair. So yeah.. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable for continuing this?

Your mum is 100% right that he is trouble.

but she is overstepping to say you can't see him.

“urban subculture tied to the streets, music ie grime & drill, fashion, language ie MLE”

That would cover about 80% of the kids in DS’s school (and a lot of the parents) - they definitely are not all roadmen! 🤣

I agree with this.
I don't think it's abnormal for a man to be pursuing sex or a relationship. He has presumably spent his 20's and earlier life being in relationships. He's most likely got more experience. This is something that many of us in our 30's and older are used to and have dealt with and learnt from. It's definitely how it works. It's for you to ascertain what he wants from you and if it matches your expectation.
You need to go into it with your eyes wide open. I'd love to meet a man who is interested in me for me, and I'm extremely wary of men who are intensely flirty or suggestive from the get go, because I do not want to have sex and that be it. It's not for me, but in my 20's I was flattered and got my life experience by coming across such men and realising their intentions and whether it matches with what I am looking for.
There is also nothing wrong with having a casual relationship and with someone who wants just sex, if that is ok with you. It's all about thinking about the end goal and whether he can deliver.
The comment on Facebook may or may not be a red flag. The only way you will ever know is by finding out for yourself. But equally being aware that if you are very vulnerable, that you need to be able to spot red flags quickly and be prepared to cut him off if things that are alarming come to light. It's good to be cautious, but you learn from these experiences.
You have been very poorly, and your mother is probably protective. However, you must make your own decisions. It is not right for her to make your choices for you or forbid you to go for walks. That is controlling and you will not get a relationship if this is the case.
I wonder if you could join a club or something that gets you out of the house, and meet people that way. You need exposure and experience to find people and weed out the good from the not so good. It's hard to find good guys and many of us have kissed frogs before.
I hope this makes sense.

I agree with @BauhausOfEliott

I see nothing wrong with meeting him, especially somewhere public like a park.

Don't go to his or invite him to yours.

Do you live with your mum?
Do you work?

Trying to understand how limited you are by your health/being behind.

Someone at 21 would be meeting people in person. Especially someone they've known from school and not a random off an app.

Well quite.

' I went to school with'

do you actually know him tho ?

which school - Primary or Secondary

what age were you
what age was he

I agree with this, I had the same feeling. Your mum is acting like you're a vulnerable adult, incapable of making your own decisions and at risk from everyone, it's weird. You say you "feel 21" OP but this doesn't mean anything. Most 21 year olds are more than capable of navigating romantic relationships all by themselves without parents input. Also some of us still "feel 21" when we're 50, just with a little more maturity. People don't always drastically change and feel different from one era of life to another.

You've got a bit of brain fog, so have many people with health issues or menopause, it doesn't make you incapable of adulting. Being infantilised by your mother will though. It's true that you don't actually grow up properly until you move out of the parents home IMO. Which is another reason not to consider him as a prospective life partner. If he wanted to live like an adult he'd, well, live like an adult. Not having his friends call him "roadman" like he's a teenager and living with his mum!

You're shielded and protected from the realities of life to some extent until you actually live independently. Don't move in with this guy though that would be a disaster. Find a house share, put your name down for social housing, or just look for a private rental (I'm assuming you're not in a position to buy at the moment). Start living your life as the adult that you are and you'll gain confidence in navigating social situations.

Excellent Advice

When someone thinks a Roadman works on roads I think your mother is terrified of letting you out in the world .

She wants to let you go but can see how naive you are and you still need that guidance over what should be blatant red flags

OP it doesn't sound like you have a learning disability, so while I understand you may be medically vulnerable, and your mum's urge to protect you, you are a fully independent person in your own right and can male your own decisions.

What are you worried about specifically? If it's that you might get your heart broken, then yes that is a potential with any relationship. But with the roadman thing, are you worried he's involved in crime? If you find out he is, you can end it. You can end it for any reason at any time. Are you worried you might be vulnerable to being drawn into crime or exploited financially? Is there any red flags specific to those concerns?

I have friends who had no idea what their kids meant when they said 'roadman'. Lack of familiarity with modern slang doesn't mean naivety.

Or the mother is the red flag, wanting to keep her daughter close for whatever reason.

Some parents don't cope well with the empty nest phase, some parents want their child to become their old age carer, some parents never built themselves a life and made their child their entire world then don't want to let them go off to live their own life. As part of that, keeping their child infantilised, overly sheltered and naïve, having the child believe they'd never cope living alone and can't make adult decisions all by themselves etc. It's not necessarily about being a caring parent, it can be about having control and power over their adult child.

The OP is in her 30s and is running basic life decisions by her mother as if she has no say in her own life, which appears to be the case when she's allowing her mother to tell her she can/can't do xyz.

I don't think OP should meet this man because I don't think she's wanting casual sex which is all he's offering.

But it's concerning that OP thinks her mother can forbid her to meet someone and points towards her mother having an unhealthy level of control over OPs life and OP being unhealthily enmeshed with her mother.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5533266-worried-my-brother-will-become-my-responsibility-if-mum-cannot-cope?reply=152570585

Do you think that this could be you in a few years?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5533266-worried-my-brother-will-become-my-responsibility-if-mum-cannot-cope?reply=152570585

Do you think that this could be you in a few years?